


Hwang Siblings - Yeji's story

by DarlingLilac



Category: ITZY (Band), Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Roller Coaster, Eventual Smut, F/F, Family Drama, Homophobia, Homosexuality, Identity Issues, Internalized Homophobia, Mild Smut, Romance, queer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:01:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 29
Words: 64,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26909305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarlingLilac/pseuds/DarlingLilac
Summary: The Hwang siblings grew up in a traditional household with traditional values. Still their parents ideas and mindset are affecting their daily life. There is a narrow path for them to walk in life where anything norm-breaking is of limits. However, what happens when the neighbor and his girlfriend Shin Ryujin break up, and this very special girlfriend starts to digg herself into Yeji's mind?  Will Yeji break the norms or continue denying what's been growing inside of her for many years?Or: Shin Ryujin entering Yeji's life and thus creating emotional and outer chaos.
Relationships: Choi Jisu/Kim Seungmin, Hwang Yeji/Shin Ryujin, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 36
Kudos: 106





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Hwang family watches TV and the parents reacts strongly to a very specific type of news.

Yeji sits in the far corner of the sofa with her phone in her hand, watching her friend’s relationship fall apart. At least that is what it seems like. Because her friend Jisu keeps writing long textmessages about how stupid she finds her boyfriend to be, how incredibly insensitive he has been and how he keeps neglecting her, taking her for granted. The text messages keep popping up on the screen, way too fast. With this speed Yeji has no chance to answer any of it. As soon as she has come up with a clever answer and has started typing it Jisu has already sent a new one. Yeji stopped trying to type an answer several minutes ago. All she does now is read and wait for Jisu to stop ranting at such a hectic speed.

“Wow, aren’t you gonna answer that?”

Yeji turns around and faces her older twin brother Hyunjin. His black hair covers his eyes when looking down at her.

“There’s no room for me to answer. Jisu is way too fast.” She looks up at her brother who laughs softly.

“That’s more than you can say about Seungmin.” He holds up his phone to show Yeji his screen. It is the exact opposite of Yeji’s. Instead of being the one to read a lot Hyunjin is the one to write. The screen is filled with text messages from Hyunjin to his friend Seungmin, the person who is also Jisu’s boyfriend.

“He wonders what he did in order for Jisu to, at first call him a self-centered giraffe, and later ignore him completely.”

Yeji cannot hold back a laugh. “She called him what?”

“A self-centered giraffe, but that’s not the point. He doesn’t seem to get what he did to deserve this treatment and asked a lot of questions which I tried to answer.”

“So that is the origin story to these novels like messages?”

Hyunjin nods slowly and sighs heavily. “So, if you could convince Jisu to talk with him I would be really happy.”

“Go ahead, she leaves no room for that.” Yeji nods toward her screen where new messages keep popping up.

Hyunjin sits down next to his sister. “You know this is a written conversation? You do not have to wait for your turn. You can just write now.”

“I know but I want to let her finish her rant first.”

“Okay but please make it happen soon? I can't bear this therapist role anymore.”

“Then don’t. You know it’s a written conversation, right? You can leave whenever you want.”

Yeji smiles teasingly and earns an elbow in her side from her brother. It hurts a little but it’s nothing she can’t live with. A little teasing has no one died of.

Just then the siblings’ parents enter the living room. Their mother wears her beige cardigan that she always wears when the evening cold has made its entrance. She sits down in the middle section of the sofa with a cup of coffee in her hand. Yeji can tell it’s hot because she can see the steam slowly rising towards the ceiling. To her left, their father sits down and sighs heavily as he does. He scratches his beard and leans back in the sofa. With the remote in his hand he turns on the TV.

They are going to watch the new as usual. Yeji glances over at the clock hanging on the wall. There is still five minutes until the news program will start. As usual her parents are a bit early, they hate to be late, not only because they may miss something important on the news but also because that’s how they are, always on time, never late. Those are one of the many important and emphasized rules that the siblings had to follow during their childhood, and still has to today. To be late is equal with being disrespectful to the person waiting, and Yeji can agree to a certain extent. Because what if something came in between? Such as the bus being late or your keys being missing? Yeji would easily forgive something like that, but not her parents. They would only say that one should have planned for that in advance. But Yeji has no will to waste her time being early to exactly everything. It’s better to risk being late and save some time that she can spend on something more useful or fun than simply waiting. 

Yeji looks at her phone once again. Jisu is still writing but Yeji notices something else as well. She has gotten an email from her dance club. It’s Chaeryeong who has sent the members the schedule for this semester. Yeji smiles when reading it. Chaeryeong always wants to help and faithfully took on the role of this semester's organizer, just like the last one, and the one before that. She is a friend that one can really trust, not only as someone to keep her words and to always give a helping hand but also as a dancer. Whatever choreography she is given she can take on. Yeji is convinced that Chaeryeong one day will be accepted into the dance program at one of the country’s finest universities. If she only could have a little more confidence and believe in herself she could achieve anything in the world of dance. To be honest Yeji is a little jealous. Even though Yeji is a good dancer herself she keeps getting critique for the finer details and the way she puts a little too much effort into every move. Chaeryeong on the other hand rarely receives any critique, at least nothing major, and she always manages to avoid making the same mistakes twice. She is envious, but Chaeryeong deserves all that. Such a good person deserves to meet only the good in life.

The sound on the TV suddenly gets louder. Apparently the news has started now.

All four of them turn towards the flat screen and listen closely. A news reporter in a proper suit talks about how a company scammed several of their customers. After that there is a clip of a serious looking person being interviewed and addressing the matter.

“I don’t understand how people can bear to do things like this.” Yeji’s mother mutters in a low voice while not letting her gaze leave the TV.

“It’s so immoral.” Their father filles in and shakes his head.

Yeji smiles discreetly. They always sit like this, always seem to be surprised over the outside world and the actions of the strangers out there. It doesn’t matter how many of these news they hear, their reactions never change.

When the first news is over the reporter looks down at their papers on the desk. The reporter looks into the camera and opens its mouth again.

“A big survey shows that it’s much more common than before, for young people to ever have been in a homosexual relationship.”

A loud gasp can be heard from the other side of the sofa. Yeji feels how her heart starts beating faster. On the screen there are two guys smiling towards each other. After a few seconds they start walking away hand in hand. The next clip features two girls. One of them leans in for a kiss and lets her lips meet the other’s. Yeji glances over at her parents. Their mouths are wide open and their eyes are radiating pure disgust.

“How can they show something like this on public TV.” Her mother exclaims and furrows her forehead. “That is a very private matter, something they should seek treatment for.”

“Indeed,” The father answers in a dramatic voice. “It's very unnatural and still the reporter talks about it as if it’s completely normal.”

“What is happening with today’s society?”

Yeji throws a quick glance over at her brother. He keeps staring at the TV without as much as blinking. Is he thinking what she is thinking? Is he feeling what she is feeling? She doesn’t have the guts to ask. The question is way too sensitive, infiltrated with their parents' negative emotions. Still she cannot let her mind go off the topic. Homosexual relations, being more common today. Does that really have to be a bad thing? Could it actually be something good for the world? After growing up in a household like this Yeji doesn’t know what to think. Her thoughts are running wild and so does her feelings. Maybe she will do best by just ignoring the topic, pretending it doesn’t exist. At least she won’t have to feel so much then, feel so upset.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Family dinner at the Shin neighbor's house where the eldest child has some news to tell.

The monthly dinner at the Shin family’s house is here. In 10 minutes they are expected at the porch of their next-door neighbor. Of course Yeji and her family members are already finished with their preparations and have gathered in their own entrancehall.

“Dongjun, do you have the keys?” Yeji’s mother asks her husband.

“I do.” He shakes the keys in front of his wife and smiles.

“Very well, then let’s depart.” She opens the front door and takes a step outside. Dongjun makes a gesture for Yeji and Hyunjin to follow their mother. When they both have stepped outside their mother turns around. She eyes them up and down, as always before leaving the house. Yeji holds back a tired sigh and instead puts on a bright smile. Her mother smiles back and pats Hyunjin on the shoulder.

“You are good to go.” She says and waits for Dongjun to lock the door. Even though there is still 9 more minutes before they are supposed to arrive they start the 1 minute walk. They leave their own lawn and follow the sidewalk. Yeji gazes up towards the Shin family’s house. It’s a size similar to their own but has a light pink wooden facade with tall windows framed by a white wood. Yeji doesn’t know much about houses but one thing's for sure, this house looks like something out of a children’s book. Her parents call it a bright Victorian house but that doesn’t say Yeji very much. She is fine by defining it as a storybook home.

They enter the wide wooden porch and knock on the massive door. Footsteps can be heard from inside and the door swings open. The bright face of Shin Bom greets them. Her aura is as captivating as ever, she is to say the least stunning. Aging has not put any harm on Bom’s looks, her beauty has matured into something exceptionally fine.

“Jiheun,” Bom exclaims when seeing Yeji’s mother and french-kisses her. “My favorite neighbors have arrived.” Her bright eyes shine like the sun a clear day. How can someone be as pleasant, as charming, as angelic as Bom? Is it possible for anyone to surpass her?

Yeji can immediately answer the question when Bom’s daughter Yuna makes an appearance. With a hand on the railing she descends the stairs, as striking and joyful as always. Even though Yuna is only 14 it is clear that she has inherited all of her mother's beauty. Everything from the scarlet red hair to the big puffy eyes and slender figure. No one can doubt that they are related.

“Come in.” Bom continues and holds up the door for them to enter through.

Yuna meets Yeji’s gaze and bows politely. Yeji bows in return and proceeds to take off her coat and shoes.

“Gunwoo and Hanguk are already in the dining room. We just finished preparing the food.”

“It smells delicious.” Dongjun says and pats himself over his stomach. “I'm really looking forward to it. What is on the menu today?”

The parents continue talk about the food as they all enter the pretty dining room. Yeji has always liked its bright and antique interior. It makes her feel like a princess, if so only for an evening.

They all greet each other and sit down at their usual spots. Yeji nods towards the father of the house, Shin Gunwo and the oldest child Hanguk. They both nod in return as Yeji continues to sweep with her gaze over the table. However, something feels a bit off. Isn’t there someone missing? The chair on the left side of Hanguk is empty and there is no plate, glass or cutlery in front of it.

However, Yeji gets no time to reflect upon it as Bom starts talking again.

“Welcome to our little assembly this Sunday evening.” She claps her hands together and smiles widely. “I hope you are all comfortable in your seats and that both the food and company will suit you well.”

“I’m sure it will be just as splendid as last time.” Yeji’s father Dongjun says. He grins a little too much and Yeji has to hold back the urge to roll her eyes. She has never understood how they can talk like this to each other. Or maybe they only do so when the children are around? Maybe they want to show them their best sides? Or are they very proper people? Probably the latter.

“So, how has your first week in school been?” Gunwo asks as he puts some garden-salad on his empty plate. “Have you gotten to show your teachers what good students you are?” The question is obviously for all children to answer but he sets his eyes on Hyunjin. Yeji does the same, and so does everyone else. The golden child of the Hwang family. The twin that is just a little better at everything, the one who has earned the most praise from their parents, their teachers and just anyone else. Yeji doesn't really mind. She loves her brother and he deserve all his prosperity. Besides, when he takes the spotlight at least Yeji can move a bit more freely. Probably the only benefit from always being in his shadow.

Yeji catches a glance from Yuna who playfully wiggles her eyebrows at her. She smiles back at her before once again facing her brother who finally seems to have gathered enough words to start talking.

“It has been a good first week.” Hyunjin throws a quick but noticeable glance over at Hanguk. Yeji picks up on a change of emotion in her brother’s eyes, but it’s gone just as fast as it came. He continues to talk in a proper and very non-enthusiastically way.

“The teachers seem to be good and the classmates are nice.”

“Do you kids share any classes?” Gunwo asks curiously.

“We do share some.” Hyunjin answers. “All three of us.” He nods towards Hanguk and Yeji.

“How pleasant, just like previous years.” Dongjun exclaims while adding some mashed potatoes on this plate. The school topic doesn’t seem to take them much further, and Yeji is glad for that. Instead her mother picks up a new subject. With her eyes set on Hanguk she opens her mouth.

“It has been a long time since we got to meet your lovely girlfriend Ryujin. What is she doing tonight?”

A silence thick enough to cut with a knife suddenly surrounds them all. Hanguk gets visibly tense in his position and stares down at the white tablecloth. Both Yeji and Hyunjin turn their head to look at each other. Yeji mouths a question to her brother but he only shrugs as an answer. Apparently he knows just as little as herself.

“They are no longer a couple.” Yuna says, obviously forcing a smile to spread over her face. A quiet “oh” can be heard from Yeji’s parents. Yeji herself is not too surprised though. It was several weeks ago since she last saw Ryujin, and then they used to meet at these family dinners every week before. However, she cannot deny the feeling of disappointment which slowly grows stronger inside of her. Ryujin had been a nice addition to the dinner party. She always had a second opinion on everything which flavored the otherwise so predictable discussions. Even though her beliefs sometimes did not match the other’s she was always respected and treated just like one of them. Too bad it didn’t last. Yeji wants to ask what caused the breakup but knows just as well as anyone in here to keep quiet. Those kinds of things are a personal matter and shouldn’t be asked about, especially not at an occasion like this. Therefor the room falls silent. When stealing a glance at her parents Yeji can tell that they, especially her father, are very curious to know the reason behind the breakup. If Yeji is lucky her brother may already know. Since they go to the same dance club after school he might have heard something that Yeji herself missed out on, even though he had seemed quite uninformed when they locked eyes earlier. She will ask him later tonight anyways. Or maybe she can ask Yuna? She might not be someone she hangs out with regularly, but they still share some kind of friendship, at least if you ask Yeji.

“Can you pass me the salt, please?” Hanguk asks and meets Yeji’s gaze for the first time this evening. A shiver runs through her body as she meets the dark eyes in front of her. She has never been particularly fond of the eldest Shin sibling. He has always had a slightly unpleasant aura, an energy draining one. It’s not too obvious, as one only gets affected when looking into his bottomless eyes. Otherwise it’s barely noticeable, as if there is a thick wall keeping all of that energy locked inside. The aura makes Yeji want to stay away from him, even though he has never done anything harmful. At least nothing that Yeji has any knowledge about. This time however, his eyes are not bottomless and empty. This time Yeji believes she can sense something very human, a feeling of sadness. But the sadness isn’t without company. It seems to be colored by something unidentified, something dark.

Yeji lowers her gaze and passes him the salt. The rest of the night she will do her best to avoid his eyes, that is for sure.

The dinner proceeds without any other big reveals, or anything interesting at all to be honest. When closing the bedroom door behind her Yeji sighs loudly. With heavy steps she walks up to her bed and lays down on her back. Why do they have to join in on these family dinners? Yeji can name a thousand other things she could have done instead of wasting 2 hours at the neighbor’s house with 4 over polite people and teenagers who want to do nothing else than leave the room. Well, now she cannot speak for the others, but she herself found this evening to be particularly boring. Usually there are parts that Yeji genuinely enjoy but this time it lacked something. Everything that was said was agreed upon by everyone else and the same type of things was said over and over again. On top of that Yeji had to avoid Hanguk’s scary eyes which was quite hard since he sat right in front of her. How she wishes that her parents would let them stay at home in the future, but she knows that asking about it would only generate a no, an offended and overly dramatic no. Because her parents really enjoy the dinners, she knows that. She can tell it by looking at their faces and listening to the tone of their voices. Too bad she can't say the same for herself.

She rolls over to the side and picks up her phone. She scrolls through her social media feeds. Picture after picture and text after text goes up and down on the screen. Every now and then she stops the scrolling to take a few seconds to admire some of the pictures. She sees a picture of her friend Jisu kissing one of her other friends on the cheek. While looking at the picture Yeji feels her face heat up and how her heart beats faster. Not again. Why does this happen every time a woman is showing physical affection towards another woman? Why does her body react this way?

She rolls over to her back once again and stares blankly at the white ceiling. She should just try to forget it, keep the emotions inside of her and not let them control her. Because she knows what kind of thoughts that have passed her mind the last couple of months, and those are forbidden thoughts. Thoughts that her parents would call unnatural. Does that mean she is partially unnatural? If she holds the thoughts back can she be less unnatural? What would happen if she cannot hold them back, if they, against all odds, take over her? That she doesn’t even want to think about.

Yeji sits up in her bed. No, it’s better to try to focus on something else, something that is completely natural. Like her schoolwork for example. Yes, if she keeps her mind on school she won’t fall into the deep hole she knows is growing inside of her. School work will help her to keep a straight course.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Group assignment in the school cafeteria where a familliar face makes an appearance and attracts both Yeji's and Hanguk's attention.

* * *

”He said he was sorry and that he wasn’t going to do it again.” Jisu finishes her story about her and Seungmin’s fight. She has turned 90 degrees in her chair to face Yeji more comfortably. Her left arm leans on the desk and in her right hand she holds her pencil. She waves with it as she continues speaking.

“But he still has to prove it. You know giving a promise is one thing and keeping it another.”

“Indeed.” Yeji answers and is just about to add something more when the classroom door swings open. In comes the teacher who greets them as usual. Jisu turns back to face the board and Yeji opens a new page in her notebook. After going through the attendance list the teacher starts talking about today’s lesson.

“As we are in the progress of introducing a new field, I have decided that a smaller group project can come in handy. I will divide you into different groups and together you will research a given topic. Then, at the end of the lesson, you will present your findings for the rest of the class.”

The students mumble agreeingly as the teacher divide them into different groups. Fortunately, Yeji and Jisu are assigned the same group. They smile at each other as the teacher continues talking. However, their luck does not last very long as the teacher decides that Hanguk is going to be a part of their group as well. Yeji goes quiet and glances over at Hanguk. He stares right at the board and does not seem to think or feel anything. Is that a good or a bad thing?

On the teachers given signal the students start to organize themselves into the groups. Slowly, just like a tired turtle, Hanguk moves towards them. Once he stands in front of them Yeji does her best to avoid eyecontact. She remembers what she saw in them last night and does not want to relive that again.

“You can sit wherever you want.” The teacher says. “As long as you are back here in time for the presentation.”

After hearing those words Jisu stands up. “Should we go to the cafeteria?” She fires away one of her characteristic eyesmiles that can melt any heart. Maybe it worked, or maybe Hanguk did not mind from the beginning, but he nonetheless agrees on the proposal. They grab their stuff and leave the classroom. They wander through the long corridor and descends to the cafeteria. Only a few people are sitting there, some of them seem to be studying while others are staring at their phones. They pick a table in the middle of the room and sit down. Jisu starts her computer and looks up the instructions for the assignment.

“Okay, so there are several things that we have to find information about.” She starts. “If we research different parts and add them into a shared document then things will probably go pretty fast.” She looks at both her classmates with raised eyebrows. Yeji nods agreeingly and in the corner of her eye she can see how Hanguk does the same. Since the school has provided them all with a computer and a coursebook they can start their individual work without any further due. Yeji is supposed to research the first part of the assignment and starts by reading in the book. After a few minutes she has started to get a hang on the subject and starts to write down keywords in the document. As she does so she notices someone passing their table with a computer in their hands and a backpack on their back. The person sits down just a few meters away at an empty table. Yeji does not take any notice of who it is and continues moving her fingers over the keypad. It is first when she has answered her first question and glances over at the others that the person becomes interesting. Because Hanguk is shamelessly staring right at the person, staring with eyes as focused as a hound with a set target. What in the world could be that interesting?

Slowly Yeji adjusts her gaze and finds herself staring at a girl with shoulder length blonde hair. At first she doesn’t recognize the person but after looking back at Hanguk again, and this time accidentally looking into his eyes, she understands. Of course it is, how could Yeji have missed that. The person who Hanguk is staring so intensely at is his ex-girlfriend Shin Ryujin. Yeji turns back to look at Ryujin and surprises herself by almost gasping. Because Ryujin looks different, doesn’t she? Her hair is shorter and much lighter. When Yeji last saw her she had had dark brown hair that reached over the shoulders. Now it is blond and cut at least 15 centimeters. This drastic change of hairstyle had made her hard to recognize. However, that does not seem to apply on Hanguk. Because he does not look shocked over the sudden change. Instead he looks like he is about to explode any second, as if his emotions are drowning him from the inside and out. Yeji tries her best to avoid his gaze but it’s hard when his eyes are shooting beams of lasers. As long has Yeji has known Hanguk he has always had a big flow of emotions. In school he has always spoken his mind and at home he has always used big gestures and talked loudly, even though his parents have tried their best to keep him calm. Yeji does not know anything about his and Ryujin’s breakup but she can imagine what ocean of emotions that must rage inside of him.

Ryujin on the other hand has not even noticed them, or at least gives no sign of it. She stares at her computer screen while tapping on the keyboard. Her gaze is radiating an aura of focus, set on her current project and the goal she has for it, no different from how Yeji remembers her. The eyes themselves are as captivating as always, shining like the brightest stars in the dark night sky. Yeji remembers looking into them, remembers having the gaze on her. Somehow it always seemed as if Ryujin could read her mind, as if she knew everything about her. Of course she didn’t though, but the feeling was there nonetheless. Yeji cannot say whether she liked it or not, whether it was comforting or creepy. All she can admit is that there is something special about Ryujin. She partially understands why Hanguk cannot stop staring at her. However, he probably should because he looks quite insane.

Yeji tilts her head downwards again. After having witness that creepy face of his she can really use something to distract her. Too bad the assignment is not captivating enough, not as captivating as the mysterious break up. If she only could get some insight to it, hear some gossip from someone, or even take part of a rumor about it. Perhaps she can try with Yuna tonight? She will surely want to spend some time talking over the fence while tending the garden or something. Or maybe she should just message her about it? That would not be too weird, would it not?

Just as the thought has left Yejis mind someone approaches Ryujin. Yeji notices how Hanguk shifts his gaze from Ryujin to this person. Yeji recognizes the person as the guy who sits with her brother on the school bus in the mornings. He smiles brightly when leaning close to Ryujin to give her a hug. She hugs hem back with one arm and flashes her pearly white teeth in a grin. A vague noise can be heard from Yejis right and she slowly turns her head towards Hanguk. His nostrils widen and his breathing intensifies. Yeji cannot help but to lean away from him. He looks like a bull ready to burst into a crowd of mocking people. This guy has issues to get over, that is for sure.

“How are you holding up?” Jisu suddenly asks and in a millisecond forces Yeji to break her thoughts. Right, they are supposed to study, not analyze her neighbor’s weird behavior. The faster they finish the sooner she can leave his side and go back to normal.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeji meets a very special someone when grocery shopping.

Once again the chores have been divided in the Hwang household. This time grocery shopping fell on Yeji’s shoulders. Her parents had made a shopping list and gave it to her just before sending her away. She has no idea of how in the world she is going to carry the products home. Yeji does her best to push the thoughts of that impossible task into the future. It’s a later problem.

After having traveled by bus Yeji walks the remaining distance to the store. Before entering she makes sure to get a shopping cart. She walks inside while pushing the cart in front of her. The cold white light from the ceiling makes the customers look pale and lifeless. Their rushed movements and quick feet doesn’t make the situation any better. Yeji feels like a lost ant in an ant farm, just standing there watching the others run like crazy from shelf to shelf, filling their baskets and shoppingcarts to the maximum. She sighs loudly. Time to get to work.

Yeji looks at the paper list that her parents gave her earlier. She is supposed to buy some bread, milk, fruit, potatoes, and a ton of other stuff. Why couldn’t she have gotten a second person to help her out? Why does her parents have to be so ambitious in their household chores? She exhales heavily once again and this time someone seems to react to her obvious expression.

“Is something bothering you?” Yejis hears a familiar voice from behind. She turns around and faces a blond girl, who is slightly shorter than herself. Shin Ryujin, again. After not having met Ryujin for weeks she suddenly meets her several times during the same week.

“Oh, not really.” Yeji answers and strokes a piece of hair behind her hear. Was she being to obvious with her opinions about this place and this situation?

“It did not sound like nothing.” The blond girl smiles and at the same time manages to make Yeji’s heart race like a jet. Those eyes are dangerous, they seem to possess the ability to turn Yeji’s insides upside down. Yeji must remind herself to not look into them too often, for her own safety.

As a way of avoiding the gaze Yeji starts talking and rests her eyes on the shopping list in her hand. “Well, it’s just that I have to buy more stuff that I will be able to carry home. I took the bus you see.”

“Oh, yea, that can be a bit tricky.” Ryujin gives Yeji an understanding smile. “I can help you if you like?”

Yeji’s eyes widens and she raises her eyebrows. “Will you, really?” Her hearts start beating faster in pure excitement of the potential luck she just stroked. What else could she have wished for in this situation?

“Yes, I have time. Just let me finish up my own things first.”

“Of course! And thank you very much.”

“No problem.” Ryujin winks at Yeji while disappearing down a passage. Yeji cannot help but to smile. Her lucky star really decided to shine on her after having abandoned her earlier this day.

Yeji starts picking out fruits and carefully inspects their condition. She knows very well what standard her parents have when it comes to fresh food, so she better do her job properly.

When having gotten through a third of her list Ryujin shows up again. After her she drags a basket on wheels where she has put approximately 10 products, enough to fill one bag. Yeji makes a quick calculation and guesses that Ryujin can help her carry at least one bag. One bag less is one struggle and plenty of embarrassing situations on the bus less.

“Now I’ve gathered all my stuff.” Ryujin says when approaching Yeji who is standing at the dairy section. “What do you have on your list?” She leans closer to Yeji to read from the shopping list. They are standing close enough for Yeji to feel her discreet scent. Suddenly Yeji finds it hard to hold the piece of paper without shaking slightly. She forces her hand down towards the shopping cart and leans it on its frame to hold it still.

“I think I know just what brand and sort you guys usually buy.” Ryujin laughs. “It’s probably the same as Hanguk and Yuna’s family, am I right?”

Yeji only shrugs. “I have no idea of what food they are buying.”

“Really? Because I find your families tastes to be very similar.”

“Our taste in food?”

“In everything.”

A sudden silence embraces the two as they stare at each other. Yeji is more than confused right now. How involved was Ryujin with the Shin family? And why does she think Yeji’s family eats the exact same food?

“I don’t understand.” Yeji finally manages to say after several long seconds without anyone of them saying anything.

“I mean that you are very similar in many ways. You dress the same, you talk the same, you are in the same age.” Ryujin takes a short break, probably considering whether she should continue reading out of the list of similarities in her mind. “Anyways I just thought food could be another of those similarities. And besides, I actually helped your parents prepare the food once, and I happen to have a particularly good memory.”

Right. Yeji remembers when Ryujin once came into their house to help her parents cook a recipe that they had never tried making before. Apparently it was something that Ryujin’s mother had taught her, therefore she could guide and instruct Yeji’s parents of how to go through with it. Yeji did not participate as she was, and still are not, too fond of cooking.

“You can trust me, I’ll deliver something that your parents will approve.” Ryujin looks straight into Yeji’s eyes with a sudden serious look. Yeji can do nothing but to nod agreeingly. After that Ryujin is quick to read through the whole list and excuses herself as she leaves Yeji to go get the products. To Yeji’s surprise she comes back with the exact products that Yeji had in mind.

“Wow, you were not joking.” Yeji exclaims with a loud voice.

“I told you.” Ryujin once again winks at Yeji before leaving to go for another round. Together they finish up fast and sooner than expected they stand in the checkout-line. They chit chat about the food and Yeji notices the strange products that Ryujin has put down in her basket.

“What exactly are you going to cook with those ingredients?” She asks curiously.

Ryujin smiles mischievously and tilts her head a little. “The exact same dish that I taught your parents that one time I was operating in your kitchen. Do you remember it?”

“I do, and I also remember that it was delicious.”

“It’s the work of my magic hands and wise words.” Ryujin does a gesture to show of her hands and fingers.

“Too bad my parents can no longer find the recipe.”

“I can give it to you if you like?”

“Really, that would be wonderful?” Yeji claps her hands together as a big grin spreads over her lit up face.

“Sure, just give me your number and I’ll send it to you.”

Yeji tells her the phone number and just as she has finished writing it down it’s Ryujins turn to pay for her groceries. Afterwards the turn has come to Yeji and they help each other to pack the stuff. With two bags to carry each they board the bus. Together they manage to get it all to Yejis front door. Yeji sighs when putting down her two bags.

“Thank you very much, Ryujin.” Yeji says and smiles thankfully.

“You’re welcome.” Ryujin answers and puts down Yejis third bag which she has been carrying. She keeps staring at Yeji which awakens a sudden heat inside of her and makes it hard to keep a steady gaze.

“So, how can I repay you?” Yeji asks while lowering her gaze.

“Do not worry about that. Just make sure to tell your parents to stop sending their kids alone to do the weekly grocery shopping.”

Yeji laughs quietly and meets Ryujin’s glittering eyes for a last time. They say goodbye to each other and Yeji enters the house. While unpacking the groceries she cannot stop thinking about the last hour. She was so lucky to get someone to help her. People like Ryujin are precious gems that should be looked well after. They deserve the world.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another family dinner with the Shin neighbors and Yeji continutes digging in the mysterious breakup between Hanguk and Ryujin.

Once again the Hwang and Shin family dines together, this time at the Hwang family’s house. Yeji’s parents has cooked something with the groceries Yeji bought earlier in the week. It tastes good but is nothing out of the ordinary Sunday dinner, not like that time when Ryujin showed her parents that new recipe. Perhaps Yeji should try cook it the next time? Ryujin did after all send her the recipe last night. It cannot be too hard, can it?

After the main dish is finished the teenagers gather in the living room to avoid having to help with the dishes. The parents does not want them there anyways. Therefore all four of them end up in the sofas. This time they all sit in the same sofa, four in a row. Yeji unfortunately has Hanguk to her left. Yuna is on her right side and Hyunjin sists on Hanguk’s left side, everyone with a phone in their hand. They scroll up and down on their phones and when Yeji has finished her own she glances over at the others. Yuna seems to do some internet window shopping, because she never puts anything into her basket. Hyunjin watches a video clip and Hanguk is going through his Instagram feed, or does he? When looking closer Yeji realizes he is actually looking through someone else’s feed. To be more exact, his ex-girlfriend’s. Yeji feels a shiver run through her body. Not only by the fact that this guy obviously isn’t over his ex-girlfriend and it’s started to creep her out, but also because of the pictures themselves. He seems to be pretty far down in her feed since she still has dark brown hair at all pictures. Her hypnotizing gaze is penetrating the camera lens and making its way into Yeji’s heart. What’s with this girl and her hypnotizing superpower eyes? Is this why Hanguk cannot stop staring at her?

Yeji turns towards Yuna. She must ask her, but not when they’re all in the same room.

“Yuna, do you want to get some fresh air?” Yeji asks and gives her a look.

“Sure!” Yuna answers enthusiastically, probably sick of just sitting there. Hyunjin gives Yeji a questioning look but she just brushes it off.

When having closed the front door behind them Yeji immediately lets her question slip through her lips.

“Can you tell me about Hanguk and Ryujin’s breakup?”

Yuna stares at her neighbor with big eyes before bursting out in a big laughter. “Wow, you just couldn’t hold it back.” Her eyes glitter of amusement as she continues speaking. “I will tell you what I know, even though it’s probably not everything.

Yeji nods eagerly and Yuna turns around, seemingly to check if someone else can hear them. She leans closer to Yeji as she starts speaking in a low voice.

“My brother says it ended because Ryujin slowly started to keep him at distance. They did not meet as often and she was less warm and loving towards him. He said that she turned into an ice queen without any emotions and therefore he broke up with her.”

“Really?” Yeji answers questioningly. From what Yeji has seen Ryujin is far from being an ice queen. She seems to be rather sweet and caring all the time. However, she does not know Ryujin too well and for all she knows Hanguk can be right. She should not be too quick in her judgement.

“But,” Yuna continues. “I believe that is a slightly altered version.”

“In what way?” Yejis curiosity grows stronger inside of her.

“I think she just stopped loving him. Therefore she kept him at a distance, before she had made up her mind to break up with him. You see, he can be quite clingy. I mean it was not like she was the one insisting to join our Sunday dinners. He always persuaded her into joining.”

“He did?” Yeji hears herself sounding surprised, but on the inside she can picture if perfectly. Hanguk and his nagging voice, always speaking his mind and playing the emotional guilt-tripping game. She has seen it in school as well. Once he fooled a teacher about being sick during a test to make them pity him and be easier in their judging of his answers. He is a good actor indeed.

Yuna nods and looks at Yeji with a serious face. “He really did love her though.” With a sigh she goes silent and lowers her gaze. She presses her lips tightly together. Is she going to say anything more? Is there even anything more to say?

Suddenly the door pushes open behind them. Yeji is forced to take a step forward to avoid getting hit by it. When turning her head she faces her brother.

“There you are.” His voice is calm but his face says something else. Yeji gives him a questioning look but he ignores it completely. Instead he sits down on the stairs leading down from the porch. Yuna continues staring into the void and Yeji suddenly feels lonely. None of them seem to be present mentally, weird.

“I need to use the bathroom.” Yeji says and turns around to walk back into the house. She passes the living room and shoots a glance into the living room and the sofa where Hanguk remains. He’s still sitting with his phone in his hands, but this time has it close to his face. Judging by his movements he seems to be zooming in on something. Once again Yeji shivers, if it’s because of the autumn cold she just left or because of Hanguk’s manners she has no idea. Nonetheless she does not want to remain in the hallway and therefore proceeds into the bathroom. Hopefully the dinner can end soon. She has had enough of Hanguk and his bad aura by now.

Just as she has put her hand on the doorhandle she hears something from the living room, followed by a loud thud. What is going on inside there? Without thinking any further Yeji takes the few steps back. She leans over to peek into the room. Her heart skips a beat when she realizes what she’s watching. Hanguk has left his phone on the ground while pointing at it with such hectic movements that Yeji fear the health of his arms. A quiet but high-pitched noise comes from his mouth and sends shivers down Yeji’s spine, the second time during the same minute. His face is red and breathing intense. What in the world is going on? Yeji would really like to leave this place but finds herself frozen in her spot. It’s like watching a monster from afar, raging and destroying what’s in its way. Hopefully the monster will not notice her.

“How could you?” Hanguk whispers loudly and picks up his phone. With an intense staring he eyes the screen. “I loved you so damn much and then you just shut me off like I was a worthless piece of shit, you fucking bitch!”

Yeji gasps and puts her hand over her mouth. Her pulse raises and breathing intensifies. She is not used to outbursts like these, it’s unfamiliar territory, undiscovered, scary.

Forcefully Hanguk throws his phone across the room. It hits one of the sofas and falls back on its cushion. His breathing is visibly heavy when he marches to pick it up. Slowly Yeji leaves the opening to the living room and heads for the bathroom. Even though the actions and words frighten her she cannot deny a feeling of compassion. In the end Hanguk is just another heartbroken guy who loved his girlfriend very much, and now it’s hard to let her go, because he is not yet ready.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeji at her dance practice where a specific team of boys visit and stir up a conversation between her and Chaeryeong.

Once again, it’s time for dance practice. Yeji and her teammates are all gathered in the studio, warming up their muscles before starting to rehearse the latest choreography. When extending her leg to stretch her inner thigh muscles the dance teacher enters the room.

“Good afternoon.” She says and smiles brightly, always happy to see her faithful students. “Today we will have a visit from another dance group. It’s the dance club from a local high school. They will give us a performance and in exchange we will show them one of ours.”

The team members start chatting with each other in a low voice. Yeji can hear them speculate about the group’s skill and dance styles. In the corner of her eye she notices Chaeryeong looking at her, seemingly wanting her attention. She turns her head to the right and raises her eyebrows.

“What school do you think it is?” Chaeryeong almost whispers, making it hard for Yeji to hear. As an answer Yeji only shrugs. To her it doesn’t really matter because she believes they can learn from just any group.

They finish their warmup as the teacher explains what dance they are going to perform. Yeji quickly goes over the dance in her head. Right, they had just finished working on that last week. It could probably use some finer adjustments, but they will absolutely have something good to show off. When they stand up Chaeryeong hums the song’s melody and makes a few moves. As usual when Chaeryeong is dancing it looks so incredibly graceful. Her steps are light as a feather and her arms swing around her body with precise movements. Yeji cannot stop herself from smiling, it’s to impressive to do anything else.

“Alright!” The dance teacher says after having been on the phone for a while. “The other group should be here any minute now. I will go and let them into the building. Prepare yourselves to dazzle the boys.”

Yeji can hear someone behind her gasp quietly and whisper. “The boys? Will the other group be consisting of boys?”

“I guess so.” The other person answers. “Why would she have mentioned boys otherwise?”

The whispers turn into loud conversations as soon as the teacher leaves the room. The voices are high pitched and the words are delivered quickly. It’s like being in a henhouse filled with cackling hens. Yeji would have nothing against being a part of it, if she could understand what the buzz is all about. Well, she kind of does, but not totally. They all seem so excited for the boys’ arrival, overly excited, just because they are boys.

“Chaeryeong.” Yeji leans closer to her friend to get her attention.

Chaeryeong jumps a little in her spot before turning to her friend. She looks at her with a surprised face. She must have had her thoughts up in the clouds.

“Are there some special boys that are coming here or why is everyone so excited?” Yeji asks.

Chaeryeong smiles softly and tilts her head to the side. The gesture gives Yeji a feeling close to déjà vu, as if she has already received the very same look but in a different situation and from a different person.

“I don’t know if they are any special,” Chaeryeong starts and locks Yejis gaze with hers. “But they are boys and that is always a bit special, I guess.”

“How?”

Chaeryeong stares silently at Yeji for a few seconds, as if she tries to figure out how to respond. “They are boys.” She finally decides on as an answer and shrugs again.

“But how does that make the group more special than a group of girls, or a mixed one?” Yeji sighs. “I mean, I am aware that most teenage girls and teenage boys tend to have a thing for each other, but that cannot be it, can it?”

“That depends on how deep you want to make this conversation.”

Yeji raises her eyebrows at her friend as a sign of confusion and Chaeryeong nuances her answer.

“I think you know exactly what this is about. Girls get excited over boys because they might find a potential boyfriend, lover or a sex partner in them. At least that is how I have interpreted it.”

Yeji bites her lip and furrows her eyebrows. “You must be right, but why are you and I not as excited as them?” She sweeps with her hand over the other teammates.

Chaeryeong shrugs once again. “You speak only for yourself. I am excited, I am just not the type to go into falsetto or jump around because of it.” She smiles and when Yeji looks into her eyes she can tell that Chaeryeong’s words are true and honest. Then how come Yeji does not feel the same? Is it something wrong with her?

As the thoughts arise in her mind the door into the studio opens. In come the dance teacher and a group of High school boys. To her big surprise she recognizes every single one of them.

“Really?” She mumbles for herself while raising her eyebrows in misbelief.

“Isn’t that your brother?” Chaeryeong asks and point discreetly at a slender young man.

Yeji sighs as a troubled wrinkle spreads over her forehead. “That’s right.”

Chaeryeong looks at Yeji with a worried face. “Is something wrong? Did you have a fight?”

“No, it’s nothing like that.” Yeji bites her bottom lip. It’s nothing wrong with her brother, he is as wonderful as ever. Rather it’s one specific teammate of his that is troubling Yeji. Not in a major way but she wishes he would not have been here, at her sacred dance class, and pollute it with his bad energy and eyes filled of darkness. 

The girls lower their voices to make the words harder to catch up on. However, their faces and body language still make their opinions very obvious. Some of them are giggling and others smiling almost seductively. Yeji herself feels like a bitter citrus fruit rather than the sweet peaches the other appear as. She does not get any sweeter when the mood-breaker himself gets to present the dance for their audience. He runs a hand through his short hair and Yeji notices how some of her teammates stare captivatingly at him. She dodges his gaze when it flies over her team and pretends to tie her shoes instead. It’s first when the dance performance starts that she takes a good look at the group members. They are very skilled and gives of a cool vibe when dancing. Yeji takes a closer look at her brother’s movements. His long and slender limbs move swiftly in the air and over his body. He is a good dancer, that is for sure. Not as good as Chaeryeong though, but that level is hard for a 17-year-old to reach, at least in Yeji’s eyes.

When the dance ends it’s time for Yeji’s team to show off their work. As she gets up from the floor she receives a playful wink from her brother and a look from his friend Felix. She will show them what a good dance team she is part of, show them that is was no mistake to not join the same club as her brother. They all get into position. Yeji takes a deep breath and tries to enter the dance mood already before the start of the song. When the music starts playing she is already a part of it, trapped in its strings which effortlessly moves her around. When Yeji knows her choreography well she has the ability to completely let her thoughts go. Of course she is well aware of what she is doing and what step that is to follow, but all that is pushed into the back of her mind. Chaeryeong possesses the same skill and they have bonded over it several times. Sometimes they have stayed late at the studio to practice only the two of them. Yeji’s parents are not too fond of her being late but she usually manages to talk them into peace. After all they are well aware of Yeji’s passion for dancing. Yeji is sure they can relate, they too must have had a passion fore something once in their life.

When they finish the performance, applauses are raining over them. The boys seem just as impressed as the girls was before. Everyone is applauding eagerly except for one guy who looks only mildly impressed. Yeji is not surprised to see who it is. Shin Hanguk. How long are they to stay here? Hopefully not the whole lesson, because Yeji does not want him around for much longer, at least not if he is spreading this kind of energy. Perhaps he needs some help to overcome this emotional lowpoint he seems to be in. Because he has not always been as negative as now. Yeji remembers a time when he used to laugh the loudest of all kids and shout the most eagerly. It must be because of the breakup. Yeji cannot find any other legitimate reason. Hopefully, time will heal him and leave only a small scar, if any at all. Everyone deserves to be happy.


	7. How u doin'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeji watches TV with her parents when she gets a text from a special someone.

It’s Friday evening and Yeji is resting on the couch in the living room. Her parents sit together in the sofa across the coffee table. They have just finished watching the news and are now having a casual small talk with each other. Yeji is just about to lean forward to pick up the TV remote when a buzzing sound is heard from her phone. She notices how her parents turn their heads towards her for a short second but then goes back to face each other. Yeji takes a look at the screen and as she does her heart skips a beat. The face turns hot like burning lava, which must shine right through her fair skin. She is happy that her parents did not find the notification sound interesting enough. How would she have explained this reaction to a simple text from Ryujin?

Yeji opens the message without any delay. She knows some people might call it desperate and that she should wait for a while, but how is that possible? Waiting would only make the heat increase and she doesn’t want to melt into nothingness.

Yeji reads what Ryujin has written. “Hi! How is it going with the recipe? Have you tried it yet?”

What should she answer? Her fingers a shaking slightly from the tension she felt before reading. She does her best in controlling them when typing an answer.

“No, I have not had the time yet.” She presses send. Should she write something more? Something that is not totally plain and boring?

Quickly she ads to the conversation. “I am not that great of a cook and the recipe seemed quite advanced.” She finishes the message by adding a smiley emoji. Then she puts her phone on the armrest, with the screen down. Not more than one minute passes before another notification sound can be heard. This time her parents does not look at her, fortunately, because her face is still warm and it’s hard to be still. When reading the message it does not get any easier to keep calm.

“It sounds like you can use some help. I’m free tomorrow if you would like some assistance.”

Yeji stops amid a deep inbreathing. Did Ryujin just ask her to hang out? Or was she joking? It doesn’t seem like it since there are no emojis to confirm that. What should Yeji answer? Does she want to cook with Ryujin?

Yeji takes a few seconds to think, all while feeling her heart pound in her chest. Is this a physical reaction to her wanting to meet Ryujin, or not wanting to? How to tell the difference? Because usually Yeji’s face only heats up when she is nervous, so is that the case here? Is she nervous? But why? Because an acquaintance just asked her to hang out? Yes, that must be the reason. Yeji has had her set of friends for years now and making new ones is nothing she is used to. That is probably the reason for her warm face and sweaty palms. Because Ryujin does not seem like a bad person, rather the opposite. It was super nice of her to help Yeji in the grocery store. Should Yeji give her a chance?

“Who are you texting with?” Dongjun’s voice echoes over Yeji’s head. She jumps in her spot by the sudden noise and quickly turns her head towards her father.

“Um, I,” She studders, caught completely off guard.

“Shin Ryujin.” Her father mumbles when reading from the screen and scratches his beard. “Is that not the former girlfriend of Hanguk?”

“It is.” Yeji turns her head back towards her phone. She can feel her father eyeing through the conversation on the screen.

“Well, shall you not invite her over?” He proposes in a cherish tone. “Such a good girl can keep you good company tomorrow when me and your mother are out. Is that not fantastic?”

“I guess.” Yeji answers quietly and puts her fingers in position around her phone. She does her best to hide her shakiness. With her father still leaning over her shoulder Yeji types an answer. If her heart was beating fast before it’s now racing. Does he really have to stare at her? It gives her the worst of performance anxiety. She misspells several words and starts over with a sentence completely. When she has pressed the send button, she has no clue of what she actually wrote.

“There we go.” Her father exclaims and pats her on the shoulder. “I am sure you will have a wonderful time together.”

“Yes.” Yeji answers as her father goes back to the other sofa. She glances over at her parents and gets a soft but tired smile from her mother. Must they always engage in everything she and her brother does? They have a private life as well. A sudden anger raises in Yeji. Quickly she excuses herself and leaves the living room. Hopefully the meeting with Ryujin can ease her tension, and not make it any worse. Only time can tell, and there are not many hours left until tomorrow afternoon.


	8. Knock Knock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A special someone is coming over to cook and Yeji experiences a new feeling.

“Then we’ll leave you now.” Jiheun says and leans forward to place a kiss on Yejis forehead. It is tempting to make a little protesting grunt but Yeji does not want to risk hurting her mother’s feelings. Because even though she treats her daughter like a little kid she does it out of pure love and kindness. Therefore Yeji only smiles and waves them off. Hyunjin, who was standing at the bottom of the staircase, runs back up into his room and thereby leaves Yeji alone on the first floor. She goes into the kitchen and tries her best to make it look representable. It is fairly new and well taken care of by her parents. None of them are a big fan of cooking but they find it important to look after everything in the house and therefore the kitchen is in a good condition.

Yeji leans towards one of the counters. Ryujin said she was going to arrive after five and there is still, at minimum, an hour for Yeji to wait. She spends the time by sorting her clothes, dusting her shelves, and doing other small household chores. Hyunjin leaves the house at five and when he shuts the door closed it works as a start signal for Yeji’s nerves to live a life of their own. She passes the hallway mirror and takes a glance at herself in it. Her dark brown hair is tied up in a high ponytail which she tightens. On her face she has a dark eyeliner and matching mascara as well as color in her eyebrows. Usually she does not put on make up during the weekend but this time she felt like it was suiting. It is nothing more than what she usually wears to school, so it did not take long to put on. During any other circumstance she would have been happy about it, however this time she wishes it had taken longer, because what is she supposed to fill her waiting time with?

So finally, the sound of the doorbell is echoing through the house. Slowly Yeji walks toward the door. She hesitates when she stands in front of it. Her guest is here now, and she better take care of her as the good hostess her parents expect her to be.

“Hello!” Yeji says with a voice a bit too loud when opening the door. Wow, what a great start Hwang Yeji!

“Hi.” Ryujin answers and smiles brightly. Oh no, those eyes again, starting up an emotional flood to run through Yeji’s body.

“How are you doing?” The question is coming out from her mouth automatically as she opens the door wider.

Ryujin nods affirmingly and takes a step over the doorstep. “I am fine, how about you?”

“I am okay.”

“Just okay?”

Yeji forces a smile over her face and feels the heat spreading over her cheeks. “Yes, because,” She sighs quietly and lets her gaze drop to the floor. “To be honest I am a bit nervous.”

Ryujin laughs softly. “You don’t have to be, I don’t bite.”

Yeji laughs with Ryujin as the newly arrived guest proceeds to take off her shoes and jacket. With a slightly less tense body Yeji leads them into the kitchen. She turns on the light switch and sweeps with her left arm over the room.

“This is where we will spend the evening.” She says and smiles awkwardly. How is she doing? Is she doing all right? Would her parents have approved of her skills as a hostess? Can she compensate for any lacking part in the beginning by being extra competent now? What would her parents have done?

The thoughts are racing through her mind like a highspeed train and her eyes are running over the room at the same speed.

“I brought a paper copy of the recipe, it’s easier to read from there.” Ryujin says and pulls up a piece of paper from her bag and lets it rest on the kitchen island. Her deep voice forces Yeji’s thoughts to shrink in size. Let’s not lose it before it has already started, alright? This is only two people cooking together. Why make such a big fuzz of it? Yeji won’t be examined by her teacher, her parents or anyone, except for Ryujin that is.

Yeji does her best to convince her wild thoughts to stop raging like barbarians inside her mind. The only thing that keeps them in their spot is Ryujin’s calm yet happy voice. It’s soothing and makes her nerves relax.

“So, do you have all the ingredients?” Ryujin asks.

“Depends on what is needed.” Yeji answers.

“I can read for you and you can pick them out.”

Yeji nods and Ryujin immediately starts reading of the recipe. Product after product is gathered on the kitchen island until every single one is out.

“Perfect!” Ryujin exclaims smiling. “Last time I was here you had aprons.”

Ryujin does not have to say anymore as Yeji understands where she is going. On light feet she makes her way across the kitchen to get them one each. When putting on their aprons Ryujin starts talking about the cooking process. Her skilled fingers tie a nice ribbon at her back as she continues speaking. Yeji does her best to listen closely while at the same time tying her apron, it does not go too well as she struggles with the ribbon. With a frustrated grunt she tries again. Ryujin raises her eyebrows at her and smiles playfully.

“Do you need help?” She asks but Yeji shakes her head firmly.

“No, no, I can handle it.”

When Yeji goes in for a third try Ryujin walks up to her.

“You know I can help you.” She says and reaches out for the bands Yeji is trying to tie. As she does her fingers touches Yeji’s and forces something like an electric chock to pulse right through her body. Only Yeji seems to feel it though, because its only she who pulls her hands towards herself again. Ryujin continues her magic work, even though Yeji hasn't given her permission to. If it wasn’t for the electric waves traveling through her body she might have told her to stop, but all Yeji’s power is sucked up by the electricity.

Then Ryujin’s fingers accidentally touches Yeji’s back once more, and the wave comes over her again. This time she manages to stand still. What is going on? She has never experienced a phenomenon like this. Her pulse has raised and so the need for breathing. Why can’t Ryujin finish already?

“There you go.” Ryujin says when finally letting go of the apron’s bands. Yeji has no words to use, her tongue is numbed by the electricity. Fortunately, Ryujin needs no immediate answer. Instead she goes back to the kitchen island.

“We need bowls and stuff.” Ryujin continues and Yeji immediately goes into action. With slightly tense movements Yeji goes up to the different cabinets and drawers. As she opens them, she feels the electric waves continue to run through her blood. How come the feeling won’t let go? It causes her mind to replay the short scene over and over again. Skin against skin, skin against fabric, emotional overload, repeat. No, Yeji has to get a hold of herself. She must focus on the task, picking out the right cooking tools.

She struggles hard for a few silent seconds, feeling her hands slowly getting sweaty in the meantime. But once Ryujin’s soothing voice is heard again her mind immediately redirects all its focus to her, forgetting everything that is not the present. The calming voice works like medicine, medicine delivered from the very same person who started the electric waves. How can one person have such power over Yejis emotional state?

With Ryujin’s instructions Yeji brings all the tools to the kitchen island. It turns out that Ryujin is a very passionate teacher, even though Yeji does not always understand what she means. However Ryujin listens well to Yejis follow up questions and together they manage to work in harmony. Their laughter spreads over the room and out through the walls, giving the house an aura of happiness. As the time progresses Yeji feels more comfortable with meeting Ryujin’s gaze, her deep and intellectual eyes. Because as they chit chat, Yeji realizes just how much knowledge Ryujin possesses. If she doesn’t know about food she knows about history, medicine or just about anything else. When thinking about it, Yeji remembers a conversation her parents once had over a family dinner. They had talked about Ryujin during the time she was still Hanguk’s girlfriend and had praised her for her good manners and quick wit. If she isn’t mistaken, they said that they wished Hyunjin would find a girlfriend just like her. The thought makes Yeji laugh out loud, earning a confused look from her cooking partner.

“What’s so funny?” Ryujin asks.

“Nothing!” Yeji quickly says and does her best to avoid eye contact. She can’t tell Ryujin what she had just thought. That would be considered weird, wouldn’t it?

Ryujin stares at her with a questioning and very suspicious face. Her eyes narrow and forehead wrinkles playfully. After a few seconds she seems to give up her mini investigation. “Okay, I won’t force you to speak.”

Yeji thanks her lucky start that her guest is such an understanding person.

“You know, Jisu wouldn’t have stopped until she got the words out of me.” Yeji starts. “She would have tickled me to death only to hear what went through my mind, even though it usually ends up being nothing special.”

Ryujin laughs at the comment. “Is Jisu a friend of yours?”

“Yes, we’re in the same class.”

“I see.” A silence hover over them. The same class. Guess who else is a part of the same class? Yes, none other than the ex-boyfriend and neighbor Shin Hanguk.

“Can I ask you something?” Yeji says, not knowing where she got her courage from. Is she really going to ask about the breakup? Is this the moment she has been waiting for during the last weeks?

“Sure, go ahead.” Ryujin answers.

Yeji breaths in.” How, “She starts. No, is it to private to ask? It is, right? She probably shouldn’t, but now she has already started.

“How was it to share the same last name as your boyfriend.” She bursts out instead, almost immediately regretting her back up question. Was this even weirder to ask? What happened with the smooth conversations they just had? Why can’t she just keep her feet on the clean path and not walk in the moody dirt to the side of it?

Ryujin burst out into a big laugh, surprising Yeji so much that she jumps in her spot. With wide eyes she stares at her guest.

“I have heard way too many jokes about us having the same last name.” Ryujin says smirking. “At least people have the good taste to not joke about me being a widow or divorcee, or him for that sake. You know, because we still have the same name even though we are no longer a couple.”

“Would you switch it?”

“No, my last name reminds me of my own family, which I love very much, so I wouldn’t change it.”

“Even if you were to marry someone with a different name in the future?”

“Even then, but that will probably not happen.”

Yeji focuses her gaze on the blonde girl. “Why not?” The atmosphere suddenly changes and gets more serious, the laughter dies off.

“I don’t believe that is a necessary thing.” She shrugs as if it was nothing, but Yeji can tell her posture has gotten more tense. Yeji feels it within herself too. Not getting married. In Yeji’s family and their social circle that is an obvious thing to do. There is no questioning. It’s not like some of the very traditional families where you must get married before even moving in together, but marriage is revered as one of the highest goals in life. Did Hanguk know about this side of Ryujin? Or did he not plan to marry her anyways? Maybe he was going to persuade her into doing it? The brain is running warm from the intense thinking. What would Yeji herself have thought if someone she loved didn’t want to marry?

The long silence must have made Ryujin uncomfortable because she turns her head away. “I know your family,” She starts, still looking away. “They share the same values as Hanguk’s family. There are several reasons why I chose to break up with him, and not sharing values was one of them.” She turns back her head and meets Yeji’s gaze. Ryujin looks incredibly serious, almost sad in a sense. In her eyes there are traces of what Yeji would call tears. Is it possible that also Ryujin was hurt in this breakup? This breakup seems to be more complex than Yeji thought initially.

“But wait, you said you broke up with him?” The memories of the conversation with Yuna last Sunday comes back to her mind. Ryujin nods without saying a word, pressing her lips together tightly. “But, from what I have heard, Hanguk says that he broke up with you.”

Ryujin shakes her head. “No, I broke it off with him. As I said, I had plenty of reasons to. But it wasn’t easy. It took me a few weeks from the day I decided until I had the courage to go through with it.”

With compassion taking her over Yeji slowly reaches out to stroke Ryujin over her back. The electricity from before is replaced by a warm breeze, not pushing her away in fright but rather drawing her closer. Ryujin opens and closes her eyes quickly a couple of times, as if she is pushing back tears.

“But I’m fine now.” She says after having swept a finger under each of her eyes. “At least when I’m with people that I enjoy spending time with, like right now.”

The warmth from before grows stronger and forces Yeji’s face to heat up. Ryujin smiles at her and pushes her playfully in the side.

“Shouldn’t you respond to my compliment. I thought your parents were very keen on that.”

“They are.” Yeji feels her face heat up even more and she puts her hands against her burning cheeks.

“I can tell you are blushing.” Ryujin laughs teasingly. “That is good enough for me.”

“Thanks.” Yeji lowers her gaze but can’t stop smiling.

“No problem.” As Ryujin responds to Yeji’s weak answer the timer rings and they are forced back into cooking. They finish their project without any major failures. The food tastes delicious which get highlighted by the good company. When they have washed all the dishes and Ryujin is about to leave Yeji feels a sudden emptiness in her heart. Does Ryujin really have to leave now? Yes, she does, of course. She has other things to do, has a life of her own.

As Yeji watches Ryujin put on her shoes she wonders when they will meet again, meet like this, spend quality time together. Will this be the last one? No, Yeji cannot let that happen. What she felt today was something she just has to experience again, and she doesn’t mean the food. No, it was the master chef, the teacher, the guest herself, who caused this incomparable feeling. A connection. Yes, that’s what she would call it. She cannot let go of something as rare as that.

“Maybe,” Yeji starts but has to clear her throat. “Maybe you would like to meet again?”

Ryujin laughs and straightens her back. “You sound like we just ended a romantic date.”

Yeji laughs awkwardly at the thought. Romantic date? What would that have looked like. Maybe if Ryujin was a boy, but now she is not. Imagine Yeji dating a girl. No one she knows has ever done that before.

“Nonetheless.” Ryujin adds. “I would like to see you again. We’ll keep in touch.” She takes a step closer to Yeji and leans in for a hug. Her soft body is so incredibly close to Yeji’s. The scent from her sweet shampoo filles Yeji’s lungs and all she can think about is the turbulent storm that now rages inside of her.

“See you later, darling.” Ryujin says when she pulls away. She locks eyes with her hostess and by doing so snaps a piece of Yejis heart with her. She can feel it, physically, it hurts. It doesn’t get any better the further away she goes.

“Yes, see you soon.” Is just about everything Yeji can muster to say. As soon as she has closed the door her knees crumbles under her. She falls to the floor and presses her hands towards the cold stone. Indeed, she has fallen, fallen into the infinite dark hole that her parents has always talked so bad about. Damn it!


	9. BRAND NEW GIRL

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeji stares at a special someone in the cafeteria and has a major realization, also Jisu tries to figure out what's on Yeji's mind.

The rain is pouring down the bus’s window, creating paths in the moist. A gray neighborhood is passing by as the massive vehicle makes it way to school. Yeji sighs for herself where she sits alone. A low voice can be heard from the back, but other than that the rain has laid its silence over them. However, in the mind of Yeji there is nothing called silence. Her thoughts are fighting to be heard and keep raising their voices to beat each other. The closer she comes to school the more thoughts are coming through and the more noise they make. She has tried to shut them out by listening to music, but that hasn’t worked, they remained and the extra noise only drained more energy. The thoughts keep focusing on last Saturday, talking about the exchange of words, looks and touches she had with Ryujin. Why can’t they leave her mind? The worst part is the feelings they stir up inside of her, making her stomach go crazy and heating up her skin. No way she can effectively go through a whole day at school in this condition, but what should she do about it? She spent the whole day with Jisu yesterday and occupied herself with cleaning in the evening. Her parents had looked a bit confused when she started vacuuming at 8’o’clock but didn’t comment any further. Yeji had thought that the physical labor and the loud noise from the machine would have helped, but in vain. The only change that came with it was a clean room. Today her thoughts are racing just as fast as yesterday and if she doesn’t find a way to stop them then tomorrow will probably look the same.

The school bus stops in front of the school. Hyunjin walks out in the company of his busmate, who apparently is acquainted with Ryujin. Yeji remembers seeing them in the school cafeteria last week. Perhaps she should ask Hyunjin what that guy’s name is later tonight?

As they walk into the building Yeji constantly reacts to every blonde person she meets. How to stop it? It’s really energy draining to constantly, even though subconsciously, keep her eyes on every single person around her. Especially in a school corridor filled with students.

Despite having her eyes and ears open she doesn’t notice Jisu sneaking up on her.

“Good morning.” Her friend says in a low and tired tone.

Yeji makes big eyes and quickly turns her head towards her friend. “You scared me!”

Jisu innocently puts her hands in the air. “Well sorry, I didn’t mean to.”

“I know, I guess I’m just a bit,” Yeji turns silent. What would she call it? Off? Not present? Thinking about yesterday as is if it was the most important thing in her life so far? No, she has to stop now. She’s in school and must pay attention to her studies.

“Tired?” Jisu fills in and Yeji nods even though that is not the complete truth. With Jisu talking about last night's dream they make their way towards the first class of the day. Focusing on the given assignments is easier than expected, which makes Yeji sigh in relief, earning her a questioning look from Jisu. She only smiles and mimes the word tired, an effective way to make Jisu quickly go back to her own work. So finally, the clock strikes twelve and it’s lunch time. They all wander down to the cafeteria where todays lunch is being served, today it’s some meat stew with potatoes. Jisu leads the way and they sit down together with a few other classmates.

“So, I’ve been thinking about buying a new autumn jacket.” Jisu says and picks up her phone. “I can show you which one I’m considering.” On the screen there is a girl wearing a light pink duvet jacket.

“It looks nice.” Yeji says and nods.

“Unusual to see a pink jacket during autumn.” One of their classmates adds.

“It’s more of a spring color, I know, that’s why I was so happy to find it now.” Jisu smiles. “The autumn colors are way too dark and a bit dull. Don’t take any offense if your jackets are in a typical autumn color. I just prefer the bright and colorful ones.”

“We’ve notice that.” Another classmate adds, making them all fall into laughter. Yeji takes a bite of her food and sweeps with her gaze over the room. She is sitting in the direction of where the students get their food. A few people are waiting with plates in their hands, just like Yeji did only a few minutes ago. They are happily chatting with each other. Among the students in line she sees her brother. He has his back turned against Felix and Seungmin to properly face the guy whom he sits with at the bus. They are laughing together with a third, much shorter person, who is dressed in a large hoodie with the hood over its head. The person has its back turned towards Yeji, but she still finds the person familiar. There is something with the movements and the energy the person is radiating that makes Yeji’s eyes drawn to it.

She continues to study the party as they draw closer to the food. When the unknown person leans forward to pick up a plate the boy from the bus reaches out a hand. He pulls the hood back and reveals the identity of the hood’s owner. A blonde female gives him a stern look, but not just any blonde female, a blonde Shin Ryujin. She punches him on the arm with her free hand which is met by a teasing grin. Her free hand runs through her short hair and Yeji watches it fall back into place. She feels her heart beat a little faster. Never would she have guessed that a simple gesture like that would have sent such a strike of lightning through her body. It seems like Ryujin possesses some sort of magical powers. She has the ability to draw Yeji’s eyes to her every time she steps into the room. Not only that but she also manages to appear in Yeji’s thoughts every now and then, especially during late nights. When Yeji went to bed yesterday she could picture Ryujin’s elegant face, hear her deep voice and smell her scent just like she was there. If that isn’t magic then she has no idea of what this.

Yeji continues to observe the blonde girl as the guy who sits with Hyunjin on the bus crosses his arms over Ryujin’s shoulder and draws her close into a back hug. He has a big smile over his face and even seems to be laughing. Ryujin answers by trying to meander herself out of the hug. However, he holds her in a tight grip and she has to forcefully turn around in order for him to release his grip. Yeji almost gasps when seeing how incredibly close they are standing to each other. Their faces are only centimeters away, almost as if they were to share a kiss. The though makes Yeji’s blood heat up and race through her arteries. What type of relationship does these two have? Are they more than just friends? Yeji has never heard anything about that, either from Hyunjin who knows the guy or from Ryujin herself. On the other hand, why would they tell her about that? For Hyunjin’s part he probably finds it irrelevant information for Yeji to know and Ryujin doesn’t know Yeji well enough yet to talk about it. Alternatively, there is nothing between them, because Ryujin puts her free hand against his chest and pushes him away with such force that he has to take two steps back, almost bumping into the person behind him.

“Hello, earth to Yeji, where are you?” Jisu waves with a hand in front of Yejis face. “What are you looking at?” Jisu turns around with her whole body and Yeji feels the heat coming over her again. For how long has she stared at the group of students, at Ryujin?

“Stop it!” Yeji whispers firmly and grabs a hold of Jisu’s hand. It catches her attention and the friend looks back at Yeji.

“Did you have a fight with your brother or something?” Jisu asks and meets Yeji’s gaze with a worried face. “You were staring at him as if you were in pain.”

“I did?” Yeji can’t stop the comment from slipping out of her mouth. In pain? Had the thought really troubled her that much? Sure, it’s completely new and unfamiliar to her, but pained? She doesn’t feel anything even close to that when looking at Ryujin, rather the opposite. For some unknown reason, thinking of Ryujin creates butterflies in Yeji’s stomach, butterflies that try to break through her skin with all their might. It tickles her nerves and sends warm waves throughout her whole body. The feeling is completely new for her, unexperienced and unexplored. The closest she has been to this is going on a rollercoaster, feeling the gravity tickle her insides and making her laugh to let out some steam. It’s a similar feeling, both making her feel very much during a very short time, both building up a tension, both slowly going back to normal afterwards. However, normal is not exactly the word Yeji would use to describe her state during the last few days. It’s like something has started growing inside of her, something that was planted a long time ago. It grows faster than before and she can’t stop hit, can’t hinder it from blossoming any longer.

The realization hits her like a hard rock. She has to let it all go. No matter what her parents say, she cannot deny what has been growing inside of her during all her teenage years. Never could she have guessed that it would take Shin Ryujin to make her admit it for herself. She likes girls. Oh, sinful thought, there it was. She likes girls. What will her parents think? She likes girls. What should she do?

“Yeji?” Jisu waves with her hand once again. “What is with you today? You have seemed off ever since we met at the lockers.” Jisu’s face is worried but her voice is firm.

“No, it’s nothing.” Yeji tries and looks away.

“You know I can tell there is.”

Yeji stares at her friend. The other classmates seem too engaged in their own conversation to take any notice. Should she tell Jisu what had just passed through her mind? Perhaps it could make her storms of emotions less difficult to bear if she could have someone to vent to at times? Jisu is after all her best friend and has always been there for her. However, at the same time Yeji knows just how much Jisu’s mouth can talk. Only one word to the wrong person and her secret will no longer be a secret. No, it’s better to keep the thoughts to herself. Perhaps it will be easier with time.

Just as Yeji is about to come up with some lie to make Jisu stop questioning her the classmate to her right turns towards her.

“Have you seen the last episode?”

As with a swing of a wand the private conversation between the two friends is gone. By looking at Jisu’s face Yeji can tell she struggles with holding her questions back. Too bad, Yeji never intended to tell her the truth, Jisu would never have gotten to take part of it, no matter how much tickling she would have used. Yeji’s secret is locked in the deepest dungeon of her heart. No one has the key to open it, no one but Yeji.


	10. Going Crazy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A Hwang family dinner where the parents stir up some heated emotions from both Yeji and Hyunjin's side.

Yeji and Hyunjin is waiting at the dinner table. The food is almost finished, only the rice is missing. Their father sits across the table from Yeji and scrolls on his phone. From the kitchen a metallic sound is heard and Yeji turns her head towards the open door. Her mother enters the room with the hot pot in her hands.

“There we go.” Jiheun says and smiles proudly, as if making rice was an advanced task. As she opens the lid a cloud of hot steam raises into the air. The smell of rice blends together with scent from the curry stew.

“It smells delicious.” Donjun says and puts his phone down.

Jiheun nods and smiles contently. Now they are all waiting for her to take place around the table, knowing that they cannot start eating before the last person has sit down.

“Please have a bite.” Jiheun sweeps with her hand over the food. “Why don’t you start, darling?” She turns to Donjun. Of course he is to start, as always, and after him Hyunjin will follow, then Yeji and lastly Jiheun. Even though Jiheun is the one who cooked the food she gets to take part of it the last.

“So how were your days?” Donjun asks as he finishes chewing and looks at his son.

“Good.” Hyunjin answers. He lowers his gaze towards the plate as Donjun continues looking at him. “How did your English test go?”

Hyunjin chews slowly and doesn’t meet his father’s gaze until he has swallowed the food. “I passed.”

Donjun raises his eyebrow and turns his head a little as an encouragement, or an order, to continue the story. Yeji can almost see how Hyunjin visibly fights to hold back an irritated sigh.

“I got a C.”

“Only a C?” Donjun exclaims, staring at his son with a shocked and slightly disappointed expression over his face. “I know you can do better than that. You are usually on the higher end of the scale.”

“You know how important the grades are.” Jiheun adds and smiles weakly. “You need them when applying to university.”

“I know.” Hyunjin lowers his head and shoulders, not only the gaze this time. He looks like an ashamed dog getting scolded by its owner.

Yeji presses her lips tightly. It’s laughably. C has always been Yeji’s average score, not a bad one but neither the best one, in the middle of the scale. Her parents have never commented her grades, they have only nodded and then turned to her, apparently much more interesting, twin brother. Why? Is she that uninteresting, that unimportant? Do they see potential in her brother that she doesn’t possess? Or is this just a simple case of favoritism? At least she can dodge any bad ship sailing in, like the ship that docked right now. When one is invisible one is missing out on not only the good stuff but also the bad.

As the dinner progresses the topic slowly changes into Jiheun’s upcoming 50th birthday.

“I’ve been thinking about the food.” Jiheun says and puts down her cutlery. “I was thinking we might have to order catering. I believe there will be quite many guests.” She looks over at her husband whose eyes widen. He swallows quickly before answering.

“Why can’t we make our own food? That’s what we have always done before, at any other party.”

Jiheun stays silent for a second. “But then we weren’t this many.”

“How many guests have you invited?”

“About 50 people.”

Donjun raises his eyebrows and sighs. “Well, I’m sure you can make it anyways. We have a big kitchen and you can start early. Me and the kids can help with the other preparations.”

Jiheun gives off a blank face. No one says anything. Hyunjin doesn’t even put down his fork, instead he keeps it still in the air. Yeji looks from her mother to her father. Dongjun gives his wife an overly encouraging look while she looks like a flat wall.

“I can help.” Yeji hears herself say. All six other eyes turn towards her.

“Are you sure, honey?” Jiheun says while giving of a doubting feeling. “A 50th birthday party requires something grand, something to show off. That’s why I propose catering.” She once again turns towards her husband, more careful this time, almost begging.

“That’s exactly why we should make it ourselves. That is much more prestigious. Anyone can buy food, but not anyone can cook it.”

A silent sigh can be heard from Jiheun. It seems as she has given up the fight, letting her husband win this argument. Is there any way Yeji can help her mother? She knows that she will end up doing most of the work anyways, both with the food and other preparations. Too bad Yeji lacks a skill in cooking. However, now when thinking about it, she knows someone who can cook. The thought is overwhelming her, overthrowing her and ends up on her tongue and comes out over her lips.

“What if Ryujin could help you?”

The words where so sudden, they came so quickly, if not even faster than the realization itself. Both of her parents raise their eyebrows which makes their foreheads filled with wrinkles.

“I mean, she has helped us before.” Yeji adds and smiles awkwardly. Okay, she was not supposed to actually propose that. Sure, Ryujin helped Yeji cook last week, but that was a one-time thing. Surely her parents won’t find her suitable for the mission. Especially not since she is their best friend’s son’s ex-girlfriend. Whatever impact or relevance that has.

A laugh can be heard from Yeji’s right and she instinctively turns towards her brother.

“Does she take advanced cooking classes or something?” Hyunjin asks jokingly when turned to Yeji. “She must have an A+ since she runs here all the time.”

“She doesn’t run here all the time.” Yeji snorts defensively.

“But does she have an A+?” Donjun asks, suddenly curious.

Hyunjin shrugs. “Jeongin says she’s smart.”

“Who is Jeongin?” Jiheun asks.

“A guy I sit with on the bus to school. He is in the same class as Ryujin.”

Oh, so that’s his name. Yeji had forgotten to ask. Well, now she doesn’t have to wonder anymore.

“Is he smart?” Donjun continues, narrowing his eyes.

Yeji holds back a sigh and cannot help but to let her tongue run wild. “What does intelligence have to do with help in the kitchen? Isn’t it more relevant with a cooking skill?”

“Of course, a future girlfriend needs to be good at both.”

“A future girlfriend?” Yeji and Hyunjin says at the same time, staring at each other in confusion. Her father nods seriously as he holds Hyunjin’s gaze. “A girl like Ryujin is indeed someone to keep an eye on. Any man would be happy to be by her side. You deserve someone like her, Hyunjin. Remember that.”

Yeji feel it like a massive punch in her stomach, like she almost loses the air in her lungs. Ryujin and Hyunjin. Ryujin and a man. Ryujin and anyone. That is something Yeji doesn’t want to envision, it gives her a weird feeling in her stomach.

Yeji is at loss for words and therefore cannot contribute with anything more to the conversation. Her brother on the other hand, seems to have opinions. With a held back force he continues speaking.

“I have no intention of making her my girlfriend.” His voice is unusually sharp. Yeji has rarely seen him like this, especially not towards their parents.

“Of course not.” Jiheun says and gives her husband a look. “Your father didn’t mean it like that. He only wanted to express what a good girl Ryujin is.”

Donjun nods. “Exactly, a very good friend for Yeji, and girlfriend for you, if you like.” He makes a gesture towards his son.

Friend, girlfriend. Why can’t Ryujin just be Hyunjin’s friend. Or why can’t Ryujin be Yeji’s girlfriend? Yeji’s girlfriend, Ryujin as Yeji’s girlfriend. The thought is tickling her insides. Yeji has never been in a relationship before, and especially not with a girl. That thought has never accord to her, not until now.

“Donjun.” Jiheun says and puts a hand on his thigh. She mouths a “that’s enough” which he seems to accept, finally.

“But I do agree on the proposal, Yeji.” He says. “Asking Ryujin for assistance might be a good idea.”

“Then maybe you can ask her?” Jiheun says and gives Yeji a questioning look. Yeji nods affirmingly, still speechless.

“Perfect. Homecooked food it is then.” Donjun exclaims and claps his hands. “Perhaps it is time for coffee now?” He pulls out his chair and leaves the room. Their mother starts to clear the table as Hyunjin, after a quick “thank you for the dinner”, disappears up the stairs. Yeji is left alone after her mother has gone into the kitchen with the dishes. She leans towards the table, staring into the wall. Did she just get a reason to speak to Ryujin again? If she says yes, will they get to spend more time together? Oh lucky day, please let her say yes.


	11. SAY YES

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeji overanalyzing her text messanges and stalking a special someone on social media.

When the coffee is finished Yeji retreats to her room. Her mother’s wish is echoing in her mind. “Then maybe you can ask her?” She had said, and Yeji had agreed. With an increasing heartbeat she had left the dining room behind to walk up the stairs leading to her bedroom. Asking Ryujin this favor would mean another reason to talk to her. If she agrees it would even mean meeting her again, not just passing by her classroom or seeing her from a distance in the school corridor. It would be another opportunity to look into those captivating eyes. But should she call or text her? They have never talked on the phone before, has only chatted. Perhaps Yeji should continue with that?

Yeji lays down on her bed with her phone in her hand. She opens the chat conversation with Ryujin. The last messages are from a few days ago. After Ryujin had left Yeji hesitated to whether she should text her a “thank you for today I had fun message”, but after half an hour of dwelling she had decided to forget about it, that is was either too late or just awkward. Or was it? Yeji had a hard time convincing herself to stop thinking about the potential lost reason to chat with Ryujin. However, destiny has now played another attempt in her hands, and this time there is no holding back.

She starts typing but finds it too formal and deletes the whole text. Then she starts writing again but finds it overly happy. She sighs loudly and gives it a third try. It’s just to send something; she tries to convince herself. Her mother needs the help and the faster an answer the better.

With a quiet but slightly panicked sound she sends the question and collapses with extended arms over her soft bed. She bounces with the movements which slowly fades out. As she lies completely still she stares into the white ceiling. The only thing heard is the sound of ticking from the alarm clock on her bedside table. Well, now all she can do is wait, and so she does. Half an hour passes and not a sound has come from the phone. Yeji hasn’t dared to even look at it, fearing that she would see something undesirable, something like the answer no.

After another half hour Yeji still hasn’t moved from her bed. This time however she does have picked up her phone. While scrolling through her social media feed she lays there, trying to resist the urge of going through Ryujin’s pictures. However, she fails and ends up looking through Ryujin’s twitter account. Through the years she has been quite active and both posted and retweeted several post, even though the last post was from several months ago. Yeji starts reading from the top of the feed, a retweet from a politician about inclusion of groups in the society. Yeji raises her eyebrows. She had no idea Ryujin was interested in politics and social questions. Actually more than half of her tweets are related to this. Every now and then there are some casual everyday tweets about funny incidents or questions about life which causes Yeji to smile for herself. However, that changes when she stumbles upon a specific tweet that Ryujin has written herself. It reads:

“I get so sad when people ask me about my love life and ask if I have a boyfriend. It’s like taking for granted that I’m straight. Please don’t do that, to anyone. You never know.”

Yeji lowers her phone. Is Ryujin, not straight? Could that be? Or why did she did write that?

When laying there, contemplating the last tweet, she receives a text message. It’s from Ryujin. As in a gunshot Yeji sits straight up on her bed. She eyes through the message several times just to make sure she’s not missing anything.

“Sure, I can help!” The message starts. “I have nothing booked that date.”

Yeji immediately throws herself over the answer box. “Great!” She starts her text. “My mother will be utterly grateful for your assistance.”

After she has pressed the send button she stares blankly at the screen. Did she sound too formal? Utterly grateful for your assistance? As if she’s some kind of government employee. She grunts in frustration and throws her head back. Take it easy now, don’t over analyze it.

Another notification sound is heard and Yeji reads the response. “I’m sure she will. By the way, have you started studying for a driver’s license?”

Yeji answers. “A little, how about you?”

“I’m studying right now actually. I hope to pass as soon as I turn the right age. Would you like to help me out? Like tomorrow after school?”

Yeji’s heart stops for a second. Is she inviting her to hang out, again? Well, last time was a semi-question, but this time Ryujin really asks straight out.

While almost hovering on a soft pink cloud in the sky Yeji replies. “Sure, see you at the school entrance? What time do you finish?”

“At 15.30, how about you?” Ryujin answers.

“At 15 but I can wait for you.” Yeji ads a happy smiley emoji, which properly mirrors her own face and inner feeling. She can hardly wait until tomorrow.

After another half hour Yeji still hasn’t moved from her bed. This time however she does have picked up her phone. While scrolling through her social media feed she lays there, trying to resist the urge of going through Ryujin’s pictures. She freezes at the realization. Is she turning into Hanguk, turning as obsessed with Ryujin as he is? No, it’s not that bad. She can still hold herself back, she doesn’t throw stuff or call out ugly names. On the other hand, Yeji has nothing to be mad about. Then why are her thoughts this centered around Ryujin? Because there is no denying, she has come to that conclusion now, there is something special with Ryujin.


	12. What is Love?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeji trying to understand what love is by asking Jisu, who leads her thoughts into previously unknown terretories.

Yeji and Jisu are having lunch together, only the two of them. They have just finished a test and had turned it in almost at the exact same time. When they had raised from their chairs they locked eyes and nodded towards each other, a silent agreement of meeting outside. When the door was closed behind them Jisu immediately popped the question.

“How did it go?”

As they continued down into the school cafeteria Jisu babbled about the questions and her answers to them, wanting to compare them with Yeji. When having reached the first floor Jisu grunted in frustration over the fifth question, which she apparently might have misunderstood. Yeji only smiled at her and patted her comfortingly over her back. The topic is still going, mostly from Jisu’s mouth, because Yeji has stopped listening a while ago. She has other things on her mind, things that creates tickling bubbles in her stomach. She is going to see Ryujin tonight, at her place. It’s been a long time since she went to a new person’s home. Usually Yeji only socialize with the same old people that she has known forever. Alternatively meeting new people at public places, in the company of well known friends. However, that is not what’s causing her thoughts to run of track, not the meeting itself, rather the person she is going to meet. It’s been like this for a while now and Yeji has her theories, but has not yet come to any clarity of which one is correct, if any of them. Perhaps Jisu could help with that? She has experiences that Yeji doesn’t.

“Can I ask you something?” Yeji interrupts Jisu in her rant about the test.

With big eyes Jisu stares at her classmate. “Sure.”

“When did you know you were in love with Seungmin?”

Jisu bursts out in a loud laughter. “What? Why do you ask?”

Yeji shrugs, trying to seem as unbothered as possible. “I just wondered, you are so cute together.”

“Aww thank you.” Jisu replies, eating up all of Yeji’s compliments. “You know me and Seungmin met through your brother, I was friends with you and he was a friend of your brother. It wasn’t anything like love at first sight. At least not from for my part. I just thought he was a sweet and nice guy.” Jisu makes little gestures with her hands while talking, as always when she is engaged in the topic. “I don’t really know when I fell in love with him, I guess it just happened. You know, time flies by. We did spend more and more time together and so I just naturally fell for his charms, I guess.” Jisu smiles so that her eyes take the form of crescent moons.

“But how did you feel?”

Jisu giggles at the question. “Wow, you seem eager to know. Are you going to write a scope about this or something?”

“No, I’m just curious of how it feels to be in love with someone.”

“I see.” Jisu nods with a sudden dose of seriousness over her face and in her tone. “For me it was like adrenaline ran though my blood whenever we got physically close or spent time alone. Like I wanted to see him all the time.”

“Any butterflies in your stomach?” Yeji jokes, she does have to put up a facade of not being too eager to get a nuanced answer. She doesn’t want Jisu to figure out her true intentions.

“Sure, a very stereotypical description, but it kind of felt like that.” Jisu answers and puts a finger towards her cheek, looking just as focused and deep in thoughts as during the test earlier. The silence embraces them as their brains run warm. How to continue? Yeji urges to get an answer to her question, preferably before finishing lunch.

“Did it ever feel like you were going to burn up from the inside?”

“What?”

“Yea, like did you get really warm, or something?” While speaking of the heat Yeji feels it coming over her, spreading over her face. Did she go too far in her questioning? Will Jisu figure out where the question comes from?

“Do you mean warm like sweaty?” Jisu ads and gives her friend a confused look. Yeji nods rapidly, anything to make her classmate continue speaking. Jisu seems to hesitate before answering.

“Well yes but mostly during sex.”

Yeji feels her cheeks heat up even more. She throws a glance over each shoulder. Did anyone hear them? Jisu only laughs at her.

“I was just teasing you.” Jisu picks up her cutlery which she had laid to rest against her plate. “I’m not gonna say anything more about that. I’ll spare you from any details.”

“Thanks.” Yeji says between her teeth. She has never been too comfortable with the topic. When Yeji grew up her parents never talked about sex openly. Whenever the topic did come up they tried to hush it and got really awkward. Too bad Yeji has inherited their manners. Because most youth today aren’t like that. They can talk about sex like others speak about food, completely casual. So when other teenagers start talking about their latest adventures Yeji falls silent, wanting to become invisible and disappear. One of her biggest social fears is that someone would ask her about her sexlife. Fortunately, she has managed to avoid it so far, but she fears that the day will come soon enough. That day she will sink into a pile of shame, never to raise again. However, at the same time, Yeji has noticed a change of thoughts, a change in her feelings. There is something that has grown inside of her during these last couple of months, something that has escalated since the start of this school year. These feelings have been exceptionally prominent when a special person has taken the center spot in her mind. It’s something she has never experienced before. It feels similar to what she has heard from others, seen in movies and read in books. This new experience is scaring her, consumes time and energy. It makes her tired but still restless. Has Jisu felt this way about Seungmin? Does she still? There are so many questions that Yeji doesn’t have the guts to ask. Partially due to her upbringing, at least that’s Yeji’s own theory. What if she would have had different parents? What if they would have allowed topics like this to exist in their home? What if Yeji was as open as Jisu? Would she then have been able to speak her mind? Talk about what’s been going through her mind lately? Probably. However, that is not the case, and therefore Yeji keeps her mouth shut, with a hint of uneasiness still lingering in her body. The topic fades away and soon they speak about something totally different. Yeji doesn’t know if Jisu’s answer gave her any clarity. All she knows is that her feelings remain, the butterflies are still fluttering inside her stomach, especially when thinking of her upcoming meeting with Ryujin.


	13. The Reason Why

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeji getting to know the true story behind the breakup and realizes something that pushes her further away from her conservative parents.

Yeji is waiting for Ryujin at the school entrance. Student after student rounds the corner and passes through the door. There are still 5 more minutes before Ryujin should appear. For the fifteenth time Yeji tightens her high ponytail and reassures herself that she has closed her bag. For how much longer will she have time to do this before Ryujin arrives?

Then she sees a familiar face pass through the corridor. It’s Ryujin’s classmate Jeongin. After him, several other students follow. Yeji directs her attention to the upcoming mass, and there, in the middle of it, she sees Ryujin. She has her eyes set on the notebook in her hand. Her blond hair is held back in a low ponytail which enhances her elegant facial features. To Yeji’s surprise Ryujin continues walking down the hallway. Weren’t they supposed to meet here, at the entrance? An uneasy feeling comes over Yeji. What is she supposed to do now? Follow her? Call her? Leave?

However, Yeji doesn’t have to wonder for too long as Ryujin returns. This time with her jacket and cap on. She smiles brightly when seeing Yeji, her eyes shining and radiating pure joy. It eases Yeji’s nerves and makes her relax.

“Have you waited for long?” She asks and leans in for a hug. Speechless by the sudden touch Yeji only manages to shake her head as an answer.

“Great, I thought we could take the bus to my place?” Ryujin continues as she leads the way out of school.

“Sure!” Yeji says, perhaps a bit too enthusiastically.

As they enter the autumn cold Yeji hears a familiar voice behind her. She turns her head around, only to meet the dark eyes of Shin Hanguk. The muscles in her body immediately tenses, which makes it difficult to walk casually. However, Ryujin doesn’t seem to take any notice, probably for the better. Because those eyes are no eyes one wants to look into, especially not an ex-girlfriend.

After several long seconds Yeji turns her head back towards Ryujin, who is still talking about something and Yeji realizes she has no idea of what the topic is. That, however, is nothing she wants to admit. Therefore she does her best with nodding and humming whenever she finds it’s suitable.

After half an hour long ride they step out of the bus. A chilly breeze catches Yeji’s scarf and she puts her hand on it. Ryujin is walking right in front of her, with her white beanie covering her blond hair. Yeji hurries to catch up with her, because even though Ryujin doesn’t have very long legs she has a great pace when walking.

As Ryujin leads the way Yeji feels something against her bare hand, a soft fabric that time after time touches her. It seems to play with her fingers, almost grasping after them. When looking down to see what it is Ryujin suddenly speaks up in a firm tone.

“Aren’t you wearing any gloves?”

Yeji quickly looks up and meets Ryujin’s gaze, it’s fully focused on her and radiates a new type of energy, an unfamiliar one. The look sends a tickling shiver through Yeji’s body that reaches all way down to her deepest core, almost making her gasp for air.

“No, I don’t.”

“Well you should, it’s cold outside, you know.”

“Yes.” Yeji’s gaze drops, and so does her head, now turned against the solid asphalt.

Then Ryujin suddenly laughs, to Yeji’s big surprise. She turns her head back up and stares at Ryujin in confusion.

“Do you know what this conversation reminds me of?” She asks, still laughing a bit. Yeji only shakes her head. “A parent and child situation. Like if I was your mother and you my kid.”

Yeji can’t help but to smile. “True that.” She says as Ryujin starts walking off the road.

“Where are we going?” Yeji continues as Ryujin leads them onto a dirt path.

They have to dodge under a low hanging tree branch and Yeji puts a hand over her head to avoid her hair from pulling down the autumn leaves.

“We are going to my place.” Ryujin answers and throws a glance over her shoulder. “You see, we live a bit off. Not in distance but in location, you’ll see what I mean.”

As they continue walking they leave the city’s grey facades behind and enter a green oasis. Yeji gasps when putting her eyes on the flourishing environment. The treecrowns are full and prospering even though it’s early September. On the ground there are low bushes growing, with slight traces of the late summer’s flowers. The path they’re walking rounds a pond where the leaves of the seasons water lilies are floating. Yeji can only imagine how this place looked like a few of months ago. She wishes she could have come here earlier. 

“It’s over there.” Ryujin points in the direction of a small house. The facade is nothing like the rest in the city, no concrete, no metal slabs, no tarmac. Instead it’s built in a dark and rustic wood, horizontally placed on top of each other. A tiny porch decorated with lots of flowerpots and two wooden chairs greet them when coming closer.

“This is my home.” Ryujin says when opening the front door, leaving the hall and living room visible for Yeji’s eyes.

“Wow.” Is all she can say. Most of the furniture goes in a farm-like style, reminding Yeji of the lives former generations lived. Yeji can’t stop her eyes from wandering all over the place. Ryujin must have noticed that because she speaks up.

“My mother has a special interest in history. She works as a furniture reconstructor and has restored many of these items herself.” Ryujin makes a sweeping gesture with her arm before continuing to take her jacket off.

“I’m impressed.” Yeji says in astonishment.

“I can tell.” Ryujin laughs and takes her cap off. Her hair is a bit messy which she takes care of by pulling a hand through her blond locks. Yeji almost forgets to take off her own outwear and when realizing does so in a hurry.

“We can sit in the kitchen.” Ryujin says and disappears into an adjacent room. “This is the most spacious place for us to study in.”

Yeji follows her into the room which goes in the same style as the hall and living room. White lace curtains, weaved carpets and even an old stove in black metal. Ryujin puts her schoolbag on one of the wooden chairs in front of the kitchen table and starts to unpack it. Yeji follows her lead and they prepare a setting with books and computers, ready to enter the world of driving. As they start studying Yeji comes to realize just how little she actually knows. The whole session turns out more like a private lesson, with Yeji as the student and Ryujin as the tutor. At one time Ryujin rounds the table to show Yeji something on the computer. They stand close, head to head, close enough for Yeji to hear Ryujin’s soft breath and feel her sweet scent. When Ryujin leans forward to point on the computer screen with one of her hands the other one goes towards the back of Yeji’s chair. Yeji can’t help but to lean backwards and thus coming in physical contact with the hand. As Ryujin continues speaking Yeji can feel Ryujin’s fingers softly caressing her back. Even though Yeji keeps humming as if she understands the explanation she has no clue of what Ryujin is saying. The soft touch is currently taking up all her focus. Soon enough Ryujin stops talking and leans away from the screen. When leaving for her own spot she strokes with her hand over Yeji’s back. Her hand falls back to the side of her body as she rounds the table and sits down. Once again her gaze penetrates Yeji’s soul and her grin warms Yeji’s heart like few people have done before. An oddly comfortable silence embraces them, giving Yeji the world’s opportunity to drown in Ryujin’s deep eyes. God if this girl in front of her isn’t beautiful. The shoulder length hair frames her face beautifully and the blond color fits well with her easygoing approach. All her facial features are harmonizing in proportion and shape. However, the highlight of her beauty is in her eyes, and how she radiates an energy that casts a spell on you, making it impossible not to find her utterly attractive and approachable.

The silence suddenly breaks when the front door opens and an unfamiliar “Hello!” Echoes through the house.

“Hi.” Ryujin takes a quick break to answer the person before going back to explaining what she tried to show Yeji on the computer. “So, if you meet a walking person here.” Ryujin points at a drawing in her notebook that she made earlier. “Then you will have to stop and let it pass.”

Yeji nods slowly. “I think I understand now.” She says, even though she doubts her words the second after uttering them.

“And in this situation,” Ryujin draws another picture. “What will you have to do here?”

Yeji stares at the paper. Think logically now. Even though she didn’t hear much of Ryujin’s explanation a minute ago there must be a rational answer to this that Yeji herself can come up with. She gives a possible answer a try. “But there is nothing other than a road there.”

Ryujin nods affirmatively. “Yes, and then?”

“The walking person has no right to pass?” Yeji guesses.

“Exactly, even though people walk however they want sometimes. Especially in smaller neighborhoods.” Ryujin rolls her eyes and leans back in her chair.

“True.” Yeji pictures all the hundreds of times where people have just crossed the street at home, without having a pedestrian crossing to lean on.

“How are you doing, honey?” A new face enters the kitchen. “Oh, you have a guest, I see.”

The woman pushes a black hairlock that has escaped her hair bun behind her ear and gives Yeji a friendly smile. Yeji smiles back as the person puts down two bags and goes up to her.

“Hi, I’m Sumin, one of Ryujin’s parents.” She extents her arm to shake Yejis hand.

“Yeji.” Yeji answers as she takes Sumin’s hand.

“So, what are you doing, huh?” Sumin continues as she goes to pick up groceries from the bags.

“Studying for the drivers license.” Ryujin answers and puts down her pen.

“That’s great, but I was thinking of cooking here now, so if you want some peace and quiet you will probably have to move into another room.”

“If we don’t disturb you we’ll stay.” Ryujin looks at Yeji for a confirmation, which she gives in the form of a nod. “Perhaps you can even help us?”

“If you have any questions you can always give it a try.”

“Okay, nice.” Ryujin turns back to her computer and starts talking with Yeji again. The time flies by without Sumin having to answer more than a handful of questions and all of a sudden the dinner is finished.

“Perhaps our guest here would like to eat with us?” Sumin asks.

Yeji throws a glance over at Ryujin who smiles at her before answering. “That would be very nice of you.”

Sumin laughs heartfully. “Such a proper friend you have brought Ryujin. It’s almost as reliving the first meeting with Hanguk.”

A silence enters the room and mutes every sound. Ryujin gives her mother a warning glare. Doesn’t Sumin know about the breakup? Or why did she suddenly talk about her daughter’s ex-boyfriend? Yeji looks at the two and can tell they are having some sort of silent communication that Yeji doesn’t understand. They are making different faces and mouth silent words. It goes on for several long seconds, which makes Yeji a bit uncomfortable as she gets completely left out. After a tired sigh Sumin breaks the silence.

“Ryujin, I must be able to speak about him casually.”

“Yes but please don’t.” Ryujin responds in a tone that Yeji has never heard her use before. It’s strict and almost a bit angry.

“I actually know Hanguk myself.” Slips out of Yeji’s mouth, in a desperate attempt to stop the rising tension in the room.

Sumin turns her head and looks in surprise at Yeji. “You do, how?”

“He is my neighbor and son to my parent’s friends. Also my classmate and member of the same danceclub as my twin brother.”

Sumin stands speechless at the stove, only making slight movements in the boiling pot. “That was a great amount of connections to him. Are you two friends?” Her face suddenly looks a bit worried, as if she is afraid of a yes, but Yeji shakes her head.

“To be honest I find him a bit scary.”

“You do?” Ryujin exclaims and stares at her with big eyes and raised eyebrows.

“Yes.” Yeji laughs a bit awkwardly. Was that too much information? Should she have kept quiet about her opinions?

“You know what, when I first met him I actually found him a bit weird as well.” Sumin ads.

“You did?” Ryujin gasps but then furrows her eyebrows. “Why didn’t you tell me before, already back then?”

“I thought it might have hurt you. Besides, I wanted to give him a chance, and after the breakup I didn’t find it suitable either. You were pretty low back then, you know.”

Ryujin turns silent, breathing heavier and narrowing her eyes. Sumin turns off the stove and brings the pot to the table.

“You might not want to realize it, honey, but doing so is a part of the healing process.”

“Mom!” Ryujin whispers intensely, however she doesn’t seem to take any notice as she continues speaking.

“One is allowed to trash talk one’s ex. That’s a universal rule. Everyone with an ex has done so, including myself.”

“Perhaps, but you were trash-talking my ex, not your own.” Ryujin points towards herself.

“I don’t trash talk him. I’m just airing my opinions about him.”

Ryujin sighs and leans her elbows against the table where the cutlery is set up. Yeji doesn’t really know what to do. Should she agree with the mother and be polite, or agree with Ryujin and be loyal? Or should she just air her own true feelings about Hanguk?

“What are your opinions on Hanguk?” Sumin asks, just as if she had read Yeji’s mind and she shivers a bit at the thought.

“I,” Yeji starts. How should she put this without being dishonest or hurting Ryujin’s feelings? Because it does seem as she wants to keep the negative opinions at a minimum, for some reason. Can she perhaps still have feelings for him? Is that what’s behind her sudden change of behavior when the topic was brought up?

A lump of discomfort forms inside of her, making her feel uneasy. This was not what she had wished for, no doubt about it. Were those caresses from before just a friendly comforting gesture and nothing more? Is Ryujin intentionally misleading her or is it Yeji who misinterprets everything?

As the uneasy feeling grows stronger it changes character, a stroke of anger colors her mind red. She has no obligation to hold anything back concerning Hanguk. Ryujin shouldn’t be with him and Yeji will make sure to not support a reunion.

“I have never been to fond of Hanguk.” She starts, with a newly found power in her voice. “There is something with his eyes, as if they’re filled with darkness. Looking into them drains energy from me.”

Sumin raises her eyebrows. “You do? I thought that was just me.”

“Can you please stop talking about him” Ryujin asks with a face that has completely changed. She sits with a slightly crooked back and radiates an aura of sadness. Her gaze is not present and her overall look makes Yeji feel guilty, as if she should have known when to shut up. Seeing Ryujin like this pains more than she would have guessed.

“I’m sorry.” Yeji says.

Ryujin sighs. “It’s okay, you don’t know the whole story after all.”

“Perhaps you should tell her?” Sumin proposes as she sits down at the table. With eyes completely drained of energy Ryujin stares at Yeji.

“I could tell you, if you are interested.”

Yeji nods slowly while trying her best not to look too enthusiastic about finally getting to know the whole truth about the breakup. Ryujin takes a deep breath and closes her eyes before opening her mouth again.

“I have already told you that one of the reasons to why I broke up with him was our different values.”

Yeji nods and Ryujin falls silent for a few seconds, probably thinking of what to say.

“When looking back at the relationship I have no idea of what made me fall for him. Because I did love him, at least I think so. Maybe it was because of our differences that I found him so fascinating.”

Yeji must say she agrees, Hanguk and Ryujin aren’t very much alike. Not only the values but also the intellect, energy and interests, at least as far as Yeji knows. The only thing they have in common must be the last name. 

“However,” Ryujin continues, now locking her gaze in a corner of the room. “We started fighting more and more. We couldn’t agree on anything. He was very controlling, always wanted to know where I went and who I was going to meet. Sometimes I called him out for it, and then he immediately answered back with all the force he had. Sometimes even by throwing stuff or pushing me. After a fight he always wanted to have makeup sex. He wanted it rough and on the spot. Several times it escalated.” Ryujin stops in her storytelling. If Yeji doesn’t mistake herself there is a layer of tears covering Ryujin’s eyes. Her wonderful, beautiful, sweet eyes covered in tears. It makes Yeji’s heart fall into pieces. All of that raising anger inside of her gets blown away. If she was a bit braver she would have given Ryujin a warm comforting hug and whispered into her ear that Hanguk is gone, that she won’t have to worry about him anymore, but she doesn’t. Instead she stays here, on the other side of the table.

“One day I came home with bruises on my arms and my mother asked me what I had done. Then everything crashed. I told her about our relationship and when I heard my own words,” She inhales deeply before finishing her sentence. “It was then I realized I had to move on, I had to break up with him.”

Yeji stares at Ryujin with teary eyes, shaking her head in disbelief. Is Hanguk really capable of things like these? Did the little boy she grew up with turn out like this? The guy who practices dance with her brother every week and shares several of her own classes? Though he has always had an aggressive attitude and when thinking back at what she saw during one of the Sunday dinners there is no doubt about it, he is definitely capable of it.

“You did good who left him, you were brave.” Sumin says and looks at her daughter with compassion in her eyes. “I am proud over you.”

Ryujin mouths a silent thank you and extends her arms to serve herself of the food. The others follow and they naturally fall into a different topic. However, Yeji has a hard time letting go of the words she has just heard, even harder to push back the lump of disgust. She never wants to see Hanguk’s ugly face ever again. A person like him doesn’t deserve to walk the earth unpunished. Facing him during dinners and in school will be harder than ever.

As they have just finished their food Sumin is in the middle of explaining how to smoothly maneuver the car when parking in cramped spaces.

“And when you come back, you hope for the car in front of you to have left.” Sumin laughs. “It’s a tricky thing but I’m sure you’ll learn.”

“Can we try it?” Ryujin asks enthusiastically, seemingly in a much lighter mood than before the dinner.

Sumin raises from her seat and starts clearing the table. “Of course.”

“Can we do it now, after we have cleaned up in the kitchen?”

Sumin stares at her daughter in confusion. “But you have a guest here.”

“Can’t she join us?” Ryujin throws a glance over at Yeji. “I’m sure she would like to learn as well.”

“No, Ryujin, we’ll do that another day.” Her face and tone are serious, as if giving no room for counter arguments.

“Okay, but can we practice parking on the gravel driveway?”

Sumin sighs but laughs effortlessly afterwards. “If you insist, my dear. The car key is in the commode in the hall.”

“Thank you, mom.” Ryujin kisses her mom on the cheek before starting to fill the dishwasher. Yeji can’t help but to grin over the sweet peck, and also over the fact that a kitchen in this old style has all modern facilitates installed. Sumin must want to save time but also have the funds to pay for it.

When they have finished cleaning up Ryujin leads the two of them out to the car. The darkness is creeping closer and Yeji throws a glance at the clock on her phone. Almost seven o’clock now. Yesterday she had told her parents about her meeting with Ryujin, so they know she’s away. However, she can’t stay out later than eight, then her parents will flip out and give her a long lesson about respecting promises and following rules.

Ryujin opens the door to the driver’s seat and Yeji takes the spot on the passenger’s side. As Ryujin puts the key into the ignition she hesitates and stops. She lowers her arm and inhales the cold air around them. Yeji stares at Ryujin from her seat. As there is no light around them, and the sun is setting, it’s hard to make out Ryujin’s facial expressions. However, Yeji does catch up on the sudden change of energy. If Ryujin was determined before, now she suddenly seems unsure.

“Hey, can I ask you something?” Ryujin says in a low voice, almost as if waiting for an unwanted answer.

“Sure.” Yeji answers as friendly as she can, even though her heart starts beating faster due to the raising suspension.

“Can you promise me to keep quiet about what I told you before, about me and Hanguk? It’s a bit sensitive. I hope you understand.”

“I do, and I promise you.” Yeji says and suddenly reaches out for Ryujin’s hands. Why is she doing this? It’s so uncharacteristic of her. This is something she would only do with close friends. She and Ryujin doesn’t know each other that well. Or do they now? Because apparently Yeji’s subconscious mind feels comfortable enough to reach out for physical contact.

“Thank you.” Ryujin answers weakly. Her eyes are blank and her lips are trembling slightly. Yeji strokes her thumb over Ryujin’s soft hands, as a way of reassuring her of her support. The physical contact once again sends electric waves throughout Yeji’s body, but this time she doesn’t let go. She lets it flow right through her, faces the waves, rides them. Yeji holds her steady gaze, and so does Ryujin. Their eyes meet through the darkness and creates a spark of light, visible for them only. Yeji can feel it in her bones how Ryujin along with the electric waves sends something more, something new. Ryujin’s gaze penetrates her soul and tickles all her insides, down to the deepest core, and makes her heart go crazy. As a result, a raising heat emerges and forces Yeji to let go of her steady gaze. As she does Ryujin pulls back her hands, instead letting them rest on the stearingwheel. She moves them over the black leather before letting them rest. Her body language is visibly tenser, just like Yeji’s. In the dark Yeji lets her eyes shamelessly run over Ryujin’s figure. They follow her soft curves and smooth turns, run over her strong thighs and apparent hips. The gaze wanders up to her waist that, due to Ryujin’s extended arms, is left bare and naked without any protection. Thanks to the low ponytail Yeji can also study her delicate side profile, her nose, her chin, her lips. Even in a dull light like this Ryujin manages to draw Yeji’s eyes to her. This time however, Yeji can’t blame it on some unexplainable witchcraft, because Yeji knows what this is. She can’t deny it anymore. It’s something very natural, a phenomenon as ancient as the human race itself. It doesn’t matter what her parents think about it. Sometimes things don’t turn out the way it was planned, and this is a prime example. This is love.


	14. STUCK IN MY HEAD

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeji pondering over the possibilites of a special someone liking her back.

“One, two, three four, five, six, seven, eight.” The dance teacher counts as she instructs the group of how to dance the following eight beats. She swiftly moves her body and uses extra power only when needed to create an effect. The students all have their eyes on her. After showing it a couple of times it’s time for the students to follow along. She counts the four first beats and makes sure her students understand them before continuing to count to eight. The time flies by without Yeji having thought of anything else than dance, and that is pretty rare these days. Ever since the evening in the car Yeji’s mind has been set on one thing only, Shin Ryujin. That was over two weeks ago now. Too bad she hasn’t been able to meet Ryujin face to face again. On the other hand, they have texted each other over the phone. Ryujin seem to be quite busy though, as she answers first after several hours. However, when the answer comes it melts Yeji’s heart, always being thoughtful and well written. Ryujin seems curious because she keeps asking Yeji different questions. Yeji does her best to answer truthfully, while still remaining interesting. She doesn’t want Ryujin to think that she's a boring person, or someone without any opinions. It’s just that sometimes it’s hard for her to reveal her true self. Especially since her true self doesn’t match with the expectations and prejudice she faces. However, as the conversation with Ryujin progresses, Yeji feels more and more comfortable with speaking her mind. Ryujin has opened her heart and exposed a sensitive part of her, perhaps Yeji should do the same? Yeji has been wanting to tell Ryujin about her secret, that she likes girls. Because the secret is a heavy burden. Walking around with it slowly makes every step much more burdensome. She has to let someone know, and for some reason it feels like Ryujin would be a good secret keeper, perhaps she would even understand it. Because even though Ryujin has dated a guy there is something about her aura, the way she moves and especially her gaze that tells Yeji there are other openings as well. Ryujin has never mentioned anything about being queer, which is not weird since she knows very well what kind of opinions Yeji has grown up with. If Yeji was Ryujin she wouldn’t have said anything either. Still, Yeji remembers reading Ryujin’s tweet, where she said that people would stop asking her if she has a boyfriend and thus assuming she is straight. Why would she write that if it didn’t affect her personally? Perhaps if Yeji tells Ryujin about her sexuality, will Ryujin then tell hers? At least Yeji will have a legitimate reason to ask, since the topic is already brought up and Yeji has confessed her own. But even if Ryujin would like girls, there is no guarantee that she would like Yeji back. No one has even been in love with Yeji before, at least not from her knowledge. She doesn’t know how people react around someone they’re in love with. She can only look at herself, and Ryujin is not acting in the same nervous manner, that’s for sure. She seems much calmer and more confident, something that Yeji both admires and envies. However, if Yeji was to think logical, people who like each other tend to spend a lot of time together, and Ryujin did kind of invite herself over to cook a few weeks ago. She also initiated the studying session. At the same time Ryujin is usually pretty slow at answering text messages, but on the other hand she always sends long and nuanced answers, as if she’s taking of her time to give a proper answer. That must indicate that she must like Yeji somehow, why would she otherwise spend all this time on texting with her? She could just have answers short and without any follow up questions, but she doesn’t. Isn’t that a good sign? Yeji could go on like this forever. Only the dance practice gives her brain a break from these thoughts, there she can enter another world and refill her mental energy.

As the class end they all gather in the locker room. Yeji is among those who stay to shower, the same goes for Chaeryeong. They both finish in the same time and walk together to the bus stop. The autumn evening is dark and the cold wind is blowing. Yeji does her best to keep warm by hiding her face behind her scarf. As they reach the bus stop a sound is heard from Yeji’s phone. Immediately Yeji grabs it and puts her face close to the lit screen. It’s a textmessage from Ryujin. She ads to their latest conversation about the outdoors, which Yeji replied to earlier this morning.

“What are you doing?” Chaeryeong says and breaks that magic spell that caused Yeji to completely shut out everything but the text.

“What?” Yeji stares in confusion at her friend.

“You phone was so close to your face one could have thought you needed glasses.”

“I don’t.” Yeji replies while glancing at the message again, slowly distancing herself to reality. What should she answer? Or rather, how should she answer. Should she go for a funny answer or stay in the serious lane?

“Yeji, you are disappearing again.” Chaeryeong says and looks at her friend with a worried face. “Is something wrong?”

“No, everything is totally fine!” Yeji hurries. She can feel her face heat up from the inside. Thankfully, the scarf is there to hide most of it. Perhaps she should answer Ryujin when she's on the bus instead? It's not nice to let Chaeryeong just stand there, not knowing what’s going on. One day Yeji might tell her, one day in the future, when she is ready to open up. If she ever comes to that point that is.

Chaeryeong gives Yeji a weird look and slowly takes a few steps closer. She leans near to peek at Yeji’s lit screen.

“Oh,” She starts. “You are texting someone.”

Yeji forces a smile over her face, which probably can’t be seen due to the big scarf. “Yup.” The screen goes dark and Yeji puts the phone back in her jacket pocket as her heart starts beating faster. A smile slowly spreads over Chaeryeong’s lips.

“Is this the reason you have been so absentminded lately?” Chaeryeong raises her eyebrows teasingly.

“What do you mean?”

Chaeryeong laughs. “Why do you keep pretending to be so clueless? It was the same when the boys came to perform a while ago. You ask questions that you must already have an answer to.”

Yeji wrinkles her forehead. “I seriously have no idea of what you are talking about. You speak in riddles.”

“Just forget it.” Chaeryeong waves with her hand in front of her. “I’ll draw my own conclusions.”

Just as those words are uttered the bus stops beside them and Chaeryeong bids goodbye. Yeji stares into the night as the buss disappears along the street. Chaeryeong can really be mysterious sometimes, talking vaguely about stuff. What did she imply this time? Something about Yeji knowing why she had been so absentminded. Had she really been like that? Sure, her thoughts keep going off track almost constantly, but she thought it was barely noticeable, thought she hid it well. Apparently not. Does this mean Chaeryeong knows about Yeji’s feelings? No, that’s impossible. She hasn’t uttered a word about Ryujin to anyone in her dance group, and hardly anyone else either. She can’t let anyone know, has to stop the image of Ryujin to keep appearing in her mind and stop acting weird whenever something related to her is brought up. Yeji has to be more discreet. Because what if her parents find out? They would probably freak out and send her to some facility where they treat homosexuality.

Yeji snorts at the thought. Treat homosexuality. Her parents are convinced that’s how it works, but is it really true? Yeji has hardly met any homosexual people, so does that mean they are successfully cured? Does it mean that Yeji’s feelings towards Ryujin are wrong? That they can be treated and disappear, turn into a platonic love only? Would Yeji really want that? Because just thinking about Ryujin makes Yeji weak at her knees, like falling from a high only to land in a soft summery field of flowers. It makes her warm on the inside and awakens parts of her that has been in an eternal slumber until now. Does she really want all of this to be taken away from her? The answer is simple, and as she gets on the bus home she has made up her mind.


	15. I CAN'T STOP ME

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeji joins a special someone to visit her family in the country side and Yeji crosses a line she only has dreamt of stepping over.

Another week passed before Yeji got the opportunity to meet Ryujin again. This time they stumbled upon each other in the line to the bathroom at school. Ryujin had given Yeji a hug that had spread a now very familiar warmth throughout Yeji’s body. During the evening they had chatted intensely. For once Ryujin answered immediately. Yeji had been thinking of a way to ask Ryujin to meet her again when a solution was served right to her face, without any effort from her side. Ryujin simply asked if Yeji wanted to join her when visiting her family in the countryside. Apparently, the rest of her closest family members live there. Ryujin referred to the earlier topic about the outdoors and Yeji's claim to not having been in a forest for years. She simply asked if Yeji would like to join her and by that have the opportunity to wander through a forest drenched in rich autumn colors. Yeji couldn’t resist the temptation to write an excited answer with lots of exclamation marks. She didn’t care if Ryujin where to find her desperate or overly needy, because it was true, and with Ryujin she feels that honesty comes naturally.

After carefully having approached her parents with the question she was allowed to go. Yeji couldn’t help but to wonder what they would have said if they knew about Yeji’s feelings. They would probably have compared the proposal with travelling to hell. One day Yeji will prove them wrong, but that day is far into the future, she is not yet ready, not in a million years.

The week slowly crawls towards Friday, departure day. With a bag in her hands Yeji stands waiting for Ryujin at the school entrance, just like she had done a few weeks prior. This time she is not surprised when Ryujin passes by a few meters away without turning towards her. She knows where Ryujin has her locker and that she must get her outwear. Instead Yeji takes time to observe her from afar, not being able to hold back a smile. How can one person, that passes by several meters away, heat up all her insides and cause emotional chaos, it’s crazy, magical and most certainly love.

“Hi, are you ready to leave?” The beam of sunshine called Ryujin approaches with a big smile over her face.

“Yea, sure, absolutely!” Yeji replies, awaken from her dreamland of thoughts by the sudden greeting. Just like last time Ryujin leads the way and Yeji comfortably follows. The bus ride takes more than an hour and Yeji understands why Ryujin mostly lives with her mother who live much closer to the school. As they make their way towards the house the landscape around them changes. Instead of being surrounded by asphalt, tall buildings and a constant noise from the traffic they are now surrounded by the nature’s whispers, open fields and widespread forests. As they get off the bus Yeji inhales the fresh scent of the environment. Yeji understands why Ryujin invited her here to spend time in the great outdoors.

“Now it’s a five-minute walk on that road.” Ryujin points in a direction to their left. “Then we’re home.”

Yeji nods and they start walking. The gravel under their feet echoes between the forest walls that throw dark shadows over them. When looking into the dense forest Yeji notices the thick tree trunks and brown soil they are growing on. As they come closer to the house the trees grow more sparse and low bushes can be seen here and there. The light also seems to find its way down to the ground, making it green and prospering. Brown farmlands replaces parts of the forests and widens the horizon. Yeji almost finds it easier to breathe when leaving the dense part behind.

“Here it is.” Ryujin says and makes a sweeping gesture with her left arm. A two-floor red wooden house meets their eyes. To the right there are some low but full trees growing, probably fruit trees of some kind.

Yeji has her gaze set on the trees as Ryujin opens the front door. When entering they are met by a crowded dim hall. The shoe rack is overfull and the same goes for the outwearhanger. Yeji is just about to take off her shoes when Ryujin stops her.

“I thought we could start with taking a walk?” With a soft smile she looks at her guest.

“Sure.” Is everything Yeji has time to say before Ryujin is already on her way out again. Yeji quickly dumps her bag on the floor, hoping that Ryujin’s family members won’t fall over it. She can’t help to smile over the constant rush Ryujin seems to be in, yet she never seems stressed. She just lives her life in a fast pace. That’s a side Yeji has only gotten to know recently. Before, when they met during the family dinners, Ryujin moved, ate and spoke in the same tempo as everyone else, which means pretty slow slower. Now, when meeting her outside of that context, Yeji has gotten to see this another side of Ryujin. It’s refreshing, so different from the usual dull tempo of her everyday homelife.

Ryujin leads the way into the forest and they follow narrow paths most probably created by animals. Yeji thanks her brain that she picked her autumn boots for today and not her usual sneakers, they would have been soaked and dirty by this.

As they walk the sun starts to set, casting a warm orange light over the autumn leaves. Color wise it’s almost like walking through a burning forest. Fortunately the only thing on fire is Yeji’s heart, and it burns only for the person walking right in front of her. The wonderful Shin Ryujin. Looking at her, hearing her voice and just being near her, is enough fuel to keep the fire alive for hours. Even thinking of her, without her presence, causes the flames to live on.

Then Ryujin suddenly stops and Yeji, lost in her thoughts as usual nowadays, walks right into her.

“Auch!” She exclaims, carefully caressing her sore nose.

“Sch!” Ryujin hushes and slowly lifts her arm. “Do you see it?” She points with her index finger at a shadowy creature. Yeji freezes where she stands. What is that thing? The creature shadows itself as the sun is right behind it, which makes it impossible to get a proper look of it. It stands tall on four legs with a powerful upper body. Instinctively Yeji grabs a hold of Ryujin’s arm.

“What is that?” She whispers when leaning closer. With a soft voice Ryujin answers. “I think it’s an elk.”

“Aren’t those dangerous?”

Ryujin turns her head towards her friend and gives a comforting smile. “Not unless you make them angry.”

“Well, are we?”

“No, but we should probably not move any closer.”

Yeji inhales loudly. “Will it attack us then?”

“It’s more likely to run away, especially now when it’s all by itself and has no calf.”

No matter what words uttered from Ryujin the tension still remains in Yeji. Ryujin must notice that because she starts to softly caress Yeji’s arm.

“Come, I think is time to head back.” Ryujin says and grabs a hold of Yeji’s hand. Yeji only nods as they leave the place, but not the same way as they came from. Instead they go left and follow a steep mountain cliff. It gives shelter from the raising winds. Yeji wonders if her tension has wandered over to Ryujin, as her face has changed, looking more troubled than before.

“Is there something wrong?” Yeji asks cautiously, prepared for an unwanted answer of any kind.

“Depends on how you see it,” Ryujin starts and looks up at the sky. “The winds are getting stronger and the sky is completely gray.”

“Yes?”

“It’ll probably start raining soon.”

“How soon?” A troubled wrinkle spreads across Yeji’s forehead.

Ryujin only shrugs. “I don’t know, but we better hurry to get home.”

“Well okay then!” Yeji hears herself exclaim, almost excitedly, which earns her a questioning look from her guide. To be honest Yeji doesn’t really know what’s going on either. It’s like when the tension disappeared a bunch of hormones and energy boosts started running wild inside of her. Holding Ryujin’s hand doesn’t exactly make the effects less apparent either, it rather cheers them on.

As they walk the sky darkens and the wind gets stronger. It grabs a hold of Yeji’s high ponytail and she forces it down inside the hood of her jacket to keep it still. Ryujin doesn’t let go of Yeji’s hand until the first rain drops can be heard against the autumn leaves above them.

“Shit.” Ryujin mutters and holds out both her hands. “We still have half the way left.”

Yeji looks up to the tree tops. The raindrops find a way down to the ground and hits Yeji on their way down.

“Should we hurry up?” Yeji asks as Ryujin turns towards her.

“No, the rain seems to intensify already. It will probably not last for too long. I know a place where we can take shelter while waiting.”

“Where?”

“I’ll show you.” With those words Ryujin once again takes Yeji’s hand and starts jogging through the low bushes. She is clearly going to take a short cut since they are leaving the path behind. At one time Yeji almost falls over due to a surface leveled tree root. Fortunately Ryujin is there to lean on which prevents her from ending up on the wet and moody ground.

“Finally, we are almost there.” Ryujin says, almost as if talking to herself. She leads them in to a forest road so sparsely used that the gravel underneath is barely noticeable. When looking ahead Yeji sees an old building with an exterior that no one could have worked on for at least two decades, and that’s more than Yeji’s whole life. The rain is now pouring down with such intensity that it echoes through the forest and nearest fields. Ryujin mutters for herself when leading them close to the building. They leave the forests protective bodies and are now fully exposed to the force of nature. The rain hits them like a whip in their faces and Yeji has to cover her eyes with her hands to be able to see anything at all. All Yeji can do now is trust in Ryujin’s competence and hope that she can lead them into safety.

They reach a wooden door that probably used to be blue but now only has fragments of its former color. Ryujin turns the wooden lock and opens the door. She hurries inside. Yeji quickly follows and closes the door after them to keep the rain out. When closing the door the last bit of daylight also disappears and leaves the two friends in complete darkness. The loud noise of the rain lowers when inside the building. Instead the most apparent sound is replaced by Yeji’s own breathing. Yeji can just about make out her hand in front of her and doesn’t dare to take another step over the floor. There might be just anything here and Yeji is not up for falling free in complete darkness.

“Ryujin?” She says while doing her best to adapt to the new dull lightning.

“I’m here.” Her voice comes from the right and Yeji turns towards it and sighs heavily.

“God, I’m so wet.” Yeji complains and draws with her hand over her soggy face. A laughter can be heard from inside the dark.

“What’s so funny? One can be sick by being too cold.” She hears steps approaching and suddenly Ryujin stands right in front of her.

“I don’t know how innocent you are but,” Ryujin hesitates. “Ach, it's nothing.”

With the adrenaline from sprinting through the forest still running through her blood Yeji wrinkles her forehead. “No, tell me.”

Ryujin seems to be staring at her, even though it’s hard to really make out her facials in this light. “You know, you can be wet in plenty of different ways, for several reasons.”

Then it hits Yeji. Of course, how could she be so stupid? Why did she insist on knowing? She didn’t even find it important to begin with, she only pushed her because she could and for the moment had the bravery in her.

“I can tell you are uncomfortable.” Ryujin continues. “I won’t speak of it anymore.”

Yeji watches Ryujin turn her head away. The bravery within her still runs wild. If she wants to get answers to the things she been wondering it's now or never.

“Speaking of ways to get wet,” Yeji continues and feels the heat of embarrassment come over her. This introduction to the new topic didn’t go as she planned. Ryujin looks like she is about to laugh once again. Can she really ask the question? Or is it just considered weird? Because Yeji doesn’t want it to be awkward between them.

“Have you ever been intimate with someone?” Yeji thanks fate that they are surrounded by complete darkness, otherwise she would probably have wanted to sink through the ground and disappear even more than she does now.

“I have.” Ryujin answers seriously.

“With many?”

“Depends on how you define many.”

Yeji nods even though she’s unsure if Ryujin can even see it. “Just to be clear,” Ryujin continues. “Does intimate equal sex for you?”

“Yes.” Yeji’s answer can barely be heard over the loud noise coming from the rain outside.

Ryujin sighs. “Can I be totally honest with you?”

Yeji nods once again and lowers her head. “Yea, sure.”

“I have some prejudice about you, based on my experiences with Hanguk’s family. If you are anything like them you probably think one should only be intimate with one’s partner. Is that true?”

“I guess so.”

“And I’m not like that.” Ryujin answers in a serious tone while looking for an opportunity to meet Yeji’s wandering eyes. “For me sex is supposed to be fun and give pleasure. With whom one does it doesn’t matter to me, as long as it’s consensual of course.” Ryujin smiles and laughs quietly. She seems to have no problem talking about the topic, just like Yeji’s friend Jisu. Still there is something different about their approach. Even though Ryujin just laughed she didn’t make fun of it, like Jisu tends to do. The discreet laughter was more a way to show how easy she is on the topic, how natural she finds it. Yeji wishes she could feel the same. However, the adrenaline in her blood is still running warm and it makes her just brave enough to participate in the conversation, brave enough to ask what she really wanted to know before.

“Do you like girls?” Yeji asks straight out with her heart beating so fast that it physically hurts inside her chest. A sudden dizziness comes over her and she has to grab a hold of something to stabilize herself. Desperately she reaches out into the darkness and takes an unsteady step forward. Her hands accidentally collide with Ryujin’s upper body and finds a stable grip on her right shoulder. They suddenly stand very close, close enough for Yeji to hear Ryujin’s heavy breathing and feel her warm breath against her skin. She notices how Ryujin stares at her and Yeji slowly meets her penetrating gaze. The electric waves takes over her once again and this time she can’t handle herself. She leans forward and lets her lips meet Ryujin’s. It’s like a lightning bolt hits them, releasing all the tension that Yeji has built up during these past weeks. A heat storm comes rushing over her and wipes her mind blank from thoughts. All there is now is Ryujin’s soft and slightly wet lips towards hers. Yeji lets her hand run up over Ryujin’s arm, towards her neck to finally find a secure place under her chin. Ryujin answers by laying both her hands around Yeji’s waist and draws her closer. Their soggy jackets are pressed against each other and creates an unpleasant sound. However, that is nothing Yeji takes any notice of. All her focus is set on Ryujin and not even a raging thunderstorm could break that.

She moans slightly as she inhales deeply. Ryujin’s hands wander down her back and finds it’s way to the back pockets of Yeji’s slim pants. She presses Yeji even closer to herself and Yeji pants slightly at the sudden movement. She can feel Ryujin smile as her lips stretches out. It’s then Yeji wakes up from her fairy tale dream. Her body immediately tenses. What is she doing? Did she just kiss Ryujin out of nowhere? Forcefully throwing herself over her friend? It’s so unlike herself, yet it actually happened.

She lets go of Ryujin and takes a step back into the dark. The sound of her own irregular breathing fills her ears. Oh dear what has she done? Her parents are going to murder her with their eyes and bury her with their words if they find out.

“Yeji.” Ryujin’s calm voice breaks through the thick wall of panicking thoughts covering Yeji’s eyes and ears. “Breath.” She grasps Yeji’s cold hands and takes a demonstrating deep breath. Yeji copies her. She knows what she has to do, it’s just hard to keep focusing on the task.

As they breath in unison Ryujin locks eyes with Yeji who gets a glimpse of all the warmth and strength that Ryujin is carrying inside, its overwhelmingly comfortable. It tames the raging thoughts inside Yeji’s head and keeps them under control. It also touches her heart and lures the tears out. One by one they start falling.

“It’s okay,” Ryujin says when leaning forward to embrace Yeji’s shaking body. She strokes over Yeji's head as the waterfall of tears opens. Yeji wishes she could stop it, wishes she could grab a hold of herself, as her parents should have said. However she can’t. These tears are the result of months, perhaps even years of locked in emotions, feelings she has never been allowed to have and definitely not show. Now it’s coming over her, takes over her, and it’s unstoppable.

Ryujin continues to comfortingly pat Yeji’s head while letting Yeji cry on her shoulder. The tears slowly come to an end and stop falling. As the sound of sobbing disappears it comes more apparent that the rain outside has stopped. Yeji takes a step away from Ryujin and stands completely still in the dark, listening carefully. Indeed the whether is much better now, but for how long have they been standing here? How much is the clock? How dark is it outside? Will they even find their way home?

“We should probably head back.” Yeji says with a slightly worried tone.

“Sure.” Ryujin answers and turns towards the door. As they step out onto the old road Yeji inhales deeply. A fresh smell of the forest and clenced air hits her. She feels much lighter now. Shedding those tears was much needed.

She glances over at Ryujin. Her blond hair is wet from the rain and lays flat around her face. Yeji probably looks the same and she smiles at the thought. She is happy that Ryujin is such an understanding person that doesn’t judge. It gives room for Yeji to grow, something that she never really have had before. If she only could tell Ryujin how much she appreciates her. She really wants to, but needs some time to gain the courage to wholeheartedly express her feelings. So Ryujin, please wait, it will come, just be patient.


	16. UP NO MORE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeji gets a clear answer to the question she asked a special someone in the forest earlier.

When they reach Ryujin’s house they immediately change into dry clothes. They had already planned for Yeji to stay the night which means she has brought another set of clothes, comfortable ones. Afterwards they enter the kitchen and start preparing the dinner. Yeji’s stomach is growling and they laugh over the loud noise it’s making. Ryujin explains that her other family members will be home late so they have the house for themselves during a couple of hours. Together they stir down some vegetables in a pot and cook a delicious soup that warms their frozen bodies. It’s now completely dark outside and when they look out through the window all they can see is their own reflections in the glass. After the dinner they decide to lay down in the sofa and rest for a while with the news on the TV running in the background. When seeing the familiar news anchor Yeji’s mind goes to her parents. They are probably sitting in the sofa with a coffee in their hands, watching the news like every other night. She cannot let them know about what happened earlier today. No one is allowed to know, not a living soul. Yeji will keep her mouth shut and the event will be her heavily guarded secret. Although, there is one problem, the secret is already shared with a second person.

Yeji discreetly turns her head towards Ryujin. She is laying down in the sofa, leaning towards its corner. Her blond hair has dried after the adventure in the rain and now lays around her like the soft angel she is. Ryujin is typing something on her phone and therefore is not aware of Yeji’s stare. Or so Yeji thought at least, because Ryujin suddenly shifts her gaze and meets Yeji’s, creating a soft spark between them which warms up Yeji’s body. A curious smile spreads over Ryujin’s face and she lowers her phone.

“Do you want to tell me something?”

Yeji raises her eyebrows. “Me?”

“Yes, you’re the only one here but me.” Ryujin laughs.

“No, I was just thinking.”

“What were you thinking of then, because you really looked like you were gonna say something.”

Yeji falls silent. She did think of the kiss, but she cannot pick up that topic now. Or perhaps she should? How many times before has she wanted to ask Ryujin something and then just switched it up with something different? Now she is going to follow her heart and not her stupid rational brain.

“I do want to ask you something,” She starts and then makes a short paus to gain the last pieces of courage. “Can you not tell anyone about our kiss?”

Her heart beats fast as she looks over at Ryujin, waiting for an answer.

“I can keep quiet,” Ryujin starts, keeping her gaze locked at Yeji. She seems hesitant. Please don’t say that she’ll only do it under a condition. Ryujin is a better person than that.

“I have to ask you something back.” She continues instead, all of a sudden looking troubled. “Why do you want to keep it a secret? “A layer of water suddenly shows over her deep eyes, almost as if she’s hurt.

“I think you know why.” Yeji continues but realizes the options are endless and therefore quickly ads. “My parents would cry their eyes out, send me to gay therapy and then lock me inside my room until they find me, so called, cured.”

Troubled wrinkles appear in Ryujin’s forehead and the energy radiating from her eyes shifts.

”That’s so unfair.” She presses her lips tightly together, obviously trying to hold something back.

“I know, I wish it wasn’t like that.” Yeji sighs heavily.

“But Yeji,” Ryujin starts and doesn’t continue until she has Yeji’s gaze locked and secured on her. “I just want you to know that I support you. Your parents have a weird way of viewing the world. Nothing is wrong with you.”

A flood of tears suddenly makes themselves very apparent behind Yeji’s eyes. She has to forcefully hold them back to not drench her whole face. “Thank you.” As she utters those words the first tear finds its way out and slowly wanders down towards her chin.

Ryujin raises from her seat and comes over to Yeji with extended arms and pouting lips. She embraces Yeji and shares her comforting body warmth. With a slender hand she wipes Yeji’s tears away and caresses her wet cheeks in silence. The soft touch only pushes the tears to continue flowing, but Yeji doesn’t mind. These are no harmful tears, they are tears of happiness.

“I'm sorry.” Yeji sobs.

“For what?” Ryujin answers calmly.

“You don’t have to sit here with me.”

“Stop it. It's my duty as a friend, and your friend is something I have chosen to be, so you don’t have to be sorry for anything.” She strokes Yeji over her hair and after a while of silence she speaks up again. “By the way, I never answered your question before.”

For a few seconds Yeji doesn’t remember what she had asked earlier, there are so many questions going through her mind that it’s hard to keep track on which she has asked, but then it comes back to her. She had asked if Ryujin likes girls, and then Yeji just kissed her. Why had she done so? Why couldn’t she do like anyone other normal person and just wait for an answer before deciding on the next move? Why did she take the risk?

An urge to lower her gaze comes over Yeji, but the strong eyes of Ryujin makes it impossible to break the eye contact. Ryujin keeps her eyes locked at Yeji as she opens her mouth to speak. “I do like girls, and I suppose you do the same?”

Yeji nods as butterflies starts flying inside her stomach. So Ryujin does like girls, even though she had a boyfriend just a few months ago. For some reason Yeji felt like this would be the case. It’s just something with the air around Ryujin, as if there is a special scent that gave Yeji the intuition. Luckily enough she wasn’t wrong, which means she actually might have a shot with her.

After the answer they both fall silent, almost as if they don’t know what to say. For Yeji’s part that’s completely true. Or rather, she knows what she wants to say but doesn’t dare to speak up about it.

The time flies by and they realize just how tired they are and therefore decides to prepare for bed already at ten o’clock. Yeji goes into the bathroom to wash of her makeup and change into pajamas. Apparently Ryujin doesn’t ever wear make-up to school and therefore remains in the bedroom in the meantime. When Yeji comes back Ryujin is in the midst of changing clothes. She stands there, with her bare back towards the doorway, wearing nothing but her underwear. A sudden burst of an undiscovered feeling draws through Yeji and centers its force around the lower area. It’s not the first time she has felt this way, but never before has it appeared because of such an obvious reason. Yeji is not totally oblivious. Jisu has talked several times about this feeling, even though Yeji has not wanted to listen 100% of the times. However, those words can now help Yeji define this feeling. It’s the feeling of lust.

As Ryujin bends forward to pick up a big shirt Yeji remains in the door post. She watches Ryujin extend her arms over her head and smoothly lets the oversize piece of clothing fall down over her. When she seems ready to turn around Yeji quickly takes a step into the room.

“You took a bit of a time.” Ryujin says teasingly.

“Yes, I’m not too quick with my makeup.”

“I meant at the door.” Ryujin sits down at her bed and grins mischievously.

Yeji’s pulse raises. “What?”

“I’m just teasing you.” Ryujin continues and tilts her head to the side. “You don’t need permission to walk into my room. As long as you don’t snoop around that is.”

Yeji listens to Ryujin’s words and gets a feeling that this is not what she initially was going to say. When looking into her eyes Yeji understands, Ryujin heard her footsteps, she knew that Yeji was staring at her.

The realization makes her face heat up and she quickly looks away. A silent laughter can be heard from Ryujin. Then Yeji realizes she has no idea of where she is supposed to sleep and she is forced to face Ryujin again.

“Uhm,” She therefore starts. “Where can I sleep?”

“Here, if you like.” Ryujin pats with her hand on her own bed. “Its wide enough for two, if you’re comfortable with that of course. Otherwise I can find another spot.”

“No, it’s fine!” Yeji quickly exclaims without thinking any further, without thinking at all actually. Sleeping in the same bed as Ryujin? A few days ago that only happened in her dreams. Now she gets to spend a whole night shoulder to shoulder with Ryujin. Her heart is beating so fast, she was not prepared for this, didn’t see it coming.

“Would you like to sleep on the inside or outside?” Ryujin asks and refers to the spot closest to the wall or closest to the edge.

“It doesn’t matter to me.” Yeji almost mumbles as her mind is racing so fast that she hardly can come up with a sensible answer.

“Then you can take the inner side.” Ryujin says and moves away to make room for Yeji to take her spot. While at the same time trying to keep her breathing intensity at a normal level Yeji crawls over there.

“Do you want another pillow?” Ryujin asks. “I usually have two.”

“If you have any.” Yeji answers carefully and Ryujin leaves the room to go get some.

“Catch!” She encourages as she throws two white pillows in Yeji’s direction. Yeji barely manages to catch them before they hit her face.

“Nice catch.” Ryujin laughs before she throws herself over the bed. Yeji smiles as she rearranges her new pillows.

“Is it okay if I turn the light of?” Ryujin asks.

“Yes.” Yeji answers but secretly wishes for her to leave it on. That way she would have an easier time to study Ryujin’s face up close.

A clicking sound is heard when Ryujin presses the light switch off. She sighs heavily, as if laying down is what she has been waiting for the whole day. Yeji smiles, relating a bit too much. That forest walk and those teary break outs has drained Yeji from her energy, making her limbs feel heavy and body weak. Only her heart is still running on a high level, all thanks to the close contact with the girl lying beside her.

“By the way, do you snore?” Ryujin suddenly asks and Yeji can’t help but to laugh straight out at the out of nowhere question. “What?” Ryujin defends herself. “Was it a weird question? In my opinion the information is relevant for the occasion.”

Yeji turns to lean on her left shoulder and by that face Ryujin, who lays on her back. “For your information, I don’t snore, miss formal.”

“Miss formal?” Ryujin turns her head and they lock eyes in the dark. “Speak for yourself.”

“Perhaps we both speak like that at times.”

“You more often than me.”

“But you are also exceptionally good at that. I’ve heard you during the family dinners.”

“Of course, I had to flex my amazing skills in front of the streets most civilized and proper pair of adults.” Ryujin laughs at her words and Yeji grins widely.

“I must say you succeeded, my parents have never said a bad word about you, they have only praised you.”

“They have?”

“Yes, a few weeks ago they even said that Hyunjin should get himself a girlfriend like you.”

“Really? They proposed me?” Ryujin laughs in disbelief and shakes her head as good as possible when laying on a pillow. She both seems flattered but also doesn’t seem to understand how they could have done so. For Yeji it’s clear as crystal glass. How could anyone not want to live their life with Ryujin by their side?

“Well,” Ryujin then continues, a bit more seriously. “What about you. Didn’t your parents think you should date some like me?”

Yeji falls silent, her eyes are still locked with Ryujin’s as she too turns to lean on her right shoulder. Their faces are only a few decimeters apart, close enough for Yeji to hear Ryujin’s breath.

“They said you would be a good friend for me.”

“I should have expected as much.” Ryujin starts, while at the same time letting her fingers slowly walk up over Yeji’s hand and up towards her arm. Carefully, as if made of glass, she caresses the bare skin. Still with her eyes set on Yeji she continues speaking in her deep tone.

“But if you were to decide by yourself, would I be a dating option?”

Yeji’s heart is pounding hard in her chest. If she weren’t already lying down, she would have had to do so now. A thousand times yes. There is no one else Yeji would like to spend the rest of her days with. Still, she hesitates, can she really say it? Is Ryujin even serious or is she just teasing Yeji?

When no answer follows Ryujin pulls back her hand and turns her head away. “I’m sorry,” She says. “If I went too far.” She starts to turn around.

“No!” Yeji exclaims and puts her hand on Ryujin’s shoulder to keep her still. “I’m sorry. I have an answer, I just didn’t know how to put it, or if I should even say it.”

Ryujin stops in her movements and Yeji sighs heavily. It’s now or never, lose or win, do or die.

“I would love to have you as my girlfriend.” The words remain floating in the thick air around them, seemingly impossible for both of them to process.

“I would be a dating option?” Ryujin almost sounds unsure, as if she didn’t understand the answer fully.

“Yes, and to be honest you would be my only option.”

Ryujin raises her eyebrows at Yeji as Yeji’s heart is beating so loud that it’s the one sound she can hear. Then Ryujin smiles, smiles with her whole face so brightly that it lights up the dark surrounding them. The grin pulls out the plug from Yeji and releases all the bottled-up suspension. Showering in pure relief Yeji grabs a hold of Ryujin’s hand. It doesn’t matter what Ryujin answers now, this feeling is strong enough to take her through anything. She made it, she walked through the fire, she confessed her love to Ryujin.

“You know what?” Ryujin starts and presses Yeji’s hand. “I would call you my only option as well.” She leans forward and lets her lips meet Yeji’s. Yeji feels like she’s stuck in a whirlwind with all the emotions flying around inside of her and she can no longer control her limbs. She leads their intertwined hands towards Ryujin’s body and lets them rest at her soft waist. Ryujin pulls herself closer to Yeji and releases her hand. Instead she takes a steady grip of Yeji’s thigh and pulls it closer to herself, all while caressing it softly. Yeji gasps quietly when Ryujin lets her hand run up towards her shorts as a tickling feeling shoots through her.

“Are you okay?” Ryujin suddenly whispers in between two kisses.

“Yea, don’t worry.” Yeji mumbles. “Just kiss me.” She pulls Ryujin even closer by a grip on her shirt. She can feel how Ryujin is smiling. Then Ryujin suddenly sits up and puts her hands on one side each of Yeji’s body. The gesture forces Yeji to turn around and lay on her back. The physical effort makes Yeji gasp for air and Ryujin hesitates in her kissing, instead locking eyes with Yeji. Those galaxy eyes are sparkling as the night sky itself and Yeji can’t possibly help the feeling of wanting more, partially of the kisses but mostly of this connection. How did she manage to live through all these years without having Ryujin by her side? Yeji once again feels the tears rushing towards her eyelids and out over her cheeks. Ryujin’s gaze immediately changes when she notices the wet cheeks.

“Darling, don’t cry.” She whispers softly and presses a peck on Yeji’s forehead. She lays down against the bedsheets once again and pulls Yeji into a warm embrace.

“I’m not sad, so don’t feel bad about anything.” Yeji sobs as her tears stains Ryujin’s pajamas.

“I know.” Ryujin answers. “And it’s okay to cry, just let the tears flow. I have also cried a lot.”

Yeji takes a deep breath to ease her tears. At the same time she feels Ryujin’s sweet scent so strongly. It’s like coming home. Having Ryujin’s arms around her makes all her troubles shrink into the seize of nothing. She could lay like this forever. They remain laying close and Yeji treasures every second. Because in Ryujin’s arms she can fully relax, all her troubles seem to disappear. Thus, the sleep train comes to pick Yeji up rather quickly. Peacefully, in her beloved's arms, she let’s herself fall into a deep and worthwhile slumber.


	17. BEHIND THE MASK

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeji wakes up to a surprise and also meets the rest of a special someone's family.

When Yeji wakes up she finds herself laying close, very close to something. Where is she? Why doesn’t she recognize the bedsheets, the pillows or the walls? Then she turns around and the realization strikes her like thunder. She has spent the night at Ryujin’s place and now the wonderful blonde is laying right beside her. Too bad Ryujin has her back turned against Yeji because she would have loved to watch her beloved sleep peacefully. Now instead she crawls nearer and carefully puts her arm around Ryujin’s waist. Ryujin makes a quiet noise from the touch but doesn’t seem to wake up. Good, then Yeji can just lay here and philosophize. Because there are a lot of things that happened yesterday. Yeji can’t almost believe it. The first kiss, the confession and the following comforting cuddling. Never would Yeji have thought that any of that would happen, especially not in one day. However, she cannot be happier over it, just laying here this minute is like walking on cloud nine.

Then, suddenly, the door bursts open and in steppes a young man. Yeji screams at the sudden noise, unfortunately right in Ryujin’s ear. Ryujin responds by immediately turning around, almost hitting Yeji in the face in the meantime.

“What’s going on?” Ryujin mumbles confused.

“I don’t know, someone just came into the room.” Yeji whispers and pulls back her arms and hides them under the blanket. Ryujin leans on her left arm to properly face out into the room. With her eyes still half closed she starts talking.

“What are you doing here?” In her voice there is a trace of irritation, but she mostly just sound sleepy.

“I need a phone charger.” The young man says.

“Why don’t you use your own?”

“Because I can’t find it.”

“But did you really have to come in this early?”

“Ryujin, it’s almost 9 o’clock.”

“Yes, way too early for you to burst in here a Saturday morning, without even knocking.”

“It’s not early for me.”

“Of course not.” Ryujin rolls her eyes and draws with her hand through her messy hair. “Use this one.” She adds and bends down to pick up the charger she used to charge her own phone during the night.

“Thanks.” The young man says when coming to get it. He is just about to turn away when he notices Yeji laying next to Ryujin, almost completely covered by the blanket.

“Shit!” He exclaims and takes a step back. “You have a guest?” He turns to Ryujin and wrinkles he’s forehead.

“Yes.” Ryujin gives him a tired look.

“Well, aren’t you gonna present your guest? Or is this just a onetime thing?”

“Can you please stop talking? And no, for your information, my guest here is not a one-night stand.”

Yeji feels her cheeks warmup as Ryujin utters the words. One-night stand, in Yeji’s world that is not even a concept. Of course she knows what it is, but actually going through with it is a big no-no, her parents have made it clear that anything sexual are to occur in official and serious relationships only. But what should they have counted what happened last night as? Would they still give Yeji a pass? If Ryujin would have been a guy, then perhaps, but now she would be punished just for thinking about her and Ryujin together in a sexual context.

“Anyways.” The guy continues and clears his throat. “I’m Ryujin’s older sibling, Minseok.”

Fortunately enough he doesn’t extend his hand as a greeting but instead twists the charger around his hand.

“Yeji, Ryujin’s friend.” Yeji answers and nods politely as a greeting. She observes Minseok face getting an amused look. He throws a glance at Ryujin and wiggles his eyebrows. What is that supposed to mean? The facial makes Yeji a bit uncomfortable.

“Perhaps you can leave now, we would like to wake up in peace.” Ryujin sighs.

“Don’t worry, I won’t bother you anymore.” He says as he leaves the room and closes the door behind him. Ryujin quickly turns towards Yeji and looks her straight in the eye.

“I’m so sorry for my brother. He probably didn’t know that we would be two in here.”

Yeji nods affirmatively. Hyunjin would never have busted in like this. Not only because he would still be asleep but also because they respect each other’s need of privacy. Yeji wonders what Minseok might have seen when he entered the room. Did he notice Yeji spooning Ryujin or did he really see her first when he got the charger from his sister? Judging by the look of his face his thoughts seemed to be anything but innocent.

“Ryujin,” Yeji starts and turns around to face her. “Do you think your brother understood what we,” She hesitates, what should she call it?

“What we’ve done?” Ryujin fills in. “No, he probably thinks we went even further.”

“What?” Yeji exclaims in a loud voice. “What if he tells someone? What if a rumor about us starts? What if my parents get to know? I would be dead!” Yeji’s breathing intensifies and she feels her head starting to spin around.

“Relax.” Ryujin says calmly and grabs Yeji’s hands. ‘I will talk to him and make sure he keeps quiet.”

“Can you do that now?”

Ryujin turns silent for a few seconds before she starts speaking again. “Sure, I can do it now, but if I ask him to keep quiet, he will probably understand that we did something more than just sleep, it’ll be a confirmation.”

Now it’s Yeji’s turn to go silent. Ryujin is right. Whatever they do it’s all up to Minseok’s ability to stay quiet. 

Ryujin sits up and throws her feet over the edge of the bed. “I’ll be back soon.” She smiles warmly yet a bit tired at Yeji. With tension in her body and thoughts running crazy Yeji waits for her in the bed. Minute after minute passes by without any footsteps leading up the stairs again being heard. Why is she taking so long? Did her brother not agree? Does she have to come up with a whole net of lies?

Then finally Ryujin enters the room again and to Yeji’s surprise she now wears a robe and has her hair nicely brushed and put in a low ponytail.

“Weren’t you supposed to talk to your brother?” Yeji exclaims and sits up in the bed.

“I was.” Ryujin answers while at the same time opening her robe and letting it fall to the floor. A tickling feeling grows strong inside Yeji as she sees Ryujin standing there completely undressed. If there are any Gods out there, then they are surely fooling around with Yeji’s life. How can one’s emotions go up and down as fast as this? It’s like being on a rollercoaster.

“What did he… what did he say?” Yeji continues, a bit too distracted by the sudden sight.

“I explained your worries and he said that he would keep quiet.”

“Really?”

“Yes, he’s my brother after all, and a decent human being.” Ryujin turns around and smiles lovingly. However, her smile changes when she looks at Yeji’s face. She bursts out into laughter. “You look like you’re ready to go underground, but don’t worry, I will get dressed as soon as possible.”

“No!” Yeji quickly ads.

Ryujin raises her eyebrows. “What, you want me to remain naked?” She smiles mischievously while walking up to her wardrobe. Yeji’s face is now a burning mess and she can hardly keep her head up to face Ryujin. “I don’t know, I’m sorry.” She finally lets her gaze drop and stares down into the duvet.

“You don’t have to be, I was just teasing you Yeji.” Ryujin answers and Yeji can hear her sort through the clothing inside the wardrobe. “If you want me to stop with that then I will.” Her voice suddenly changes and Yeji can feel her eyes upon her.

“No, you don’t have to. I’m sorry.”

Ryujin sighs again. “You have nothing to be sorry of.”

This time only half dressed in underwear and a pair of socks, Ryujin sits down beside Yeji in the bed. She grabs her hands and tries to look Yeji in the eyes.

“You don’t have to excuse yourself. If you do or say something that bother me then I’ll tell you. I know all people can’t do that but I can, trust me.”

Yeji finally raises her head and looks Ryujin in the eyes. She feels her eyes starting to tear up. How pathetic. Is crying all she is going to do here?

“If you keep looking at me I’m gonna cry.” Yeji says and tries to push Ryujin away.

“But that’s okay you know.” Ryujin answers, even though she still pulls her hands back.

“No, I don’t want to waste my time crying. I want to live as well.”

Ryujin laughs softly. “What a speech, but okay princess, your wish is mine to fulfill.” With a gracious bow Ryujin exists the bed. Yeji can’t help but to smile at her.

“Hurry up and get dressed so that we can make some breakfast.” Ryujin says and puts on a slim fit black t-shirt.

“You mean I can’t go down like this?” Yeji asks. Ryujin only stares at her, seemingly wondering if Yeji is joking or not.

“Well,” She starts. “In my family we always get dressed before eating. Because you were serious right?”

“Yes, but was it a weird question?” Yeji asks unsurely.

“Yeji!” Ryujin raises the tension in her voice and gives Yeji a firm look.

“Okay, okay. It’s just that in my family we usually never get dressed before breakfast during weekends. We find I much cozier that way.”

“Your family, cozier?” Ryujin both looks and sounds surprised.

“Yes? Are you surprised?” Yeji laughs.

“Maybe. I have always viewed your family as very proper and strict.”

“My parents are, so don’t get fooled by this. Besides my parent’s sleepwear are very proper. Mom always wears her expensive white robe and my dad has this silk pajamas.”

Ryujin raises her eyebrows in astonishment. “Wow, almost as excepted then.”

“Just almost?”

“Yes, because I could never have imagined that they wore it to breakfast. Hurry up now.”

Ryujin makes a gesture with her hand and Yeji gets up from bed. After Yeji has changed and brushed through her hair they go down to the kitchen. They help each other with setting the table and bringing out the food from the fridge, freezer and cupboard. The kitchen here is not too different from the one at Ryujin’s mother’s house. The biggest difference is the condition of it, this one really looks to have been used for decades without any major replacement or renovations. Nonetheless the kitchen is relatively spacey and there is no problem fitting six people around the kitchen table. Now there is only the two of them sitting there, buttering their toasts and adding some topping to it. When a clicking sound is heard Ryujin raises from her chair and goes up to the water boiler. She fills both their cups with the hot water and Yeji starts sorting through the tea box. She ends up choosing one with the taste of blackcurrant. The tea is still too hot to drink and it takes a few minutes for it too cool down. Just when she is about to take her first sip the second door into the kitchen opens. In comes two middle aged men, one with a pair of glasses and the other one with dark hair longer than Ryujin’s. Yeji glances over at them as they make their way through the door opening. Who are these people? Ryujin’s family members? Yeji feels her pulse raise. After all that has happened during the last 24 hours she is still sensitive to new situations.

The men approach the two eating at the table.

“Good morning.” The one with long hair says as he ties his hair in a bun. “You must be Yeji.” He reaches out a hand to greet the houseguest. Apparently, he does know about Ryujin having a guest over.

“Yes, that’s me.” Yeji shakes his hand as the other man steps forward.

“Hangyeom, one of Ryujin’s parents.” His smile is friendly and Yeji immediately feels the tension loose from her shoulders. He has a gaze similar to Ryujin, similar in the way that the eyes are making her feel safe and comfortable, as if she can relax and be herself without risking getting hurt or lose anything.

“I’m Geonmin,” the other one says and reaches out to shake Yeji’s hand. “Also Ryujin’s parent.”

Wait, are both of these men Ryujin’s parents? What about Ryujin’s mother Sumin? Is one of them a stepfather? Or did Yeji mishear them?

Yeji gives Ryujin a glance and she notices her friend speaking through her eyes with Hangyeom. When the men start talking Yeji is forced to shift her gaze back at them.

“Have you slept well?” Hangyeom asks as Geonmin picks out two cups from the cabinet.

“Yes.” Yeji answers politely and nods. She turns her head as it feels like someone is staring at her, and she is right. Geonmin stands over the sink and fills the two cups with hot water while looking at Yeji. His face is much more serious than Hangyeom’s and no emotions can be read though his eyes. When meeting his gaze Yeji smiles as naturally as she can, however she is sure she fails miserably, because her smile is stiff enough to be compared with a dry stick. Slowly she tilts her head downwards and takes a bite of her toast to buy herself some time. In the corner of her eyes she notices how Ryujin continues to talk silently with Hangyeom. After a few long seconds he sighs heavily and walks over to the kitchen counters.

“You look a bit confused.” Geonmin then says to Yeji and thereby breaks the silence. Yeji looks up at him and feels her eyebrows instinctively being pushed up towards her hairline. Hangyeom clears his throat and the atmosphere has changed in a second. Suddenly all three of them are staring with a serious face at Yeji, even though Ryujin looks more pained than anything else.

“I do?” Yeji answers, because what kind of response do they want from her? Perhaps she really is confused.

“It seems that Ryujin never told you about us, hasn’t she?” Geonmin says as he sists down at the table with the cup in his hand.

“She has mention you.” Yeji tries and flickers with her gaze, it keeps traveling towards Ryujin who’s face is indicating that she is highly uncomfortable with the situation. Usually Ryujin would have smiled comfortingly, but now Yeji guesses she is the one that will have to send strength to her instead.

“Really?” Geonmin says. “Then I suppose you know that she has three parents.”

Three parents? Have the mother and father split and now there is a stepfather in the picture? Then who is her real father and why is the stepfather here when Ryujin’s mother lives in the city? Yeji doesn’t really understands this puzzle of a family constellation, and it must show in her face.

“She definitely hasn’t told her about us.” Hangyeom whispers to Geonmin when he sits down, loud enough for Yeji to hear as well.

“Do we really have to talk about this now?” Ryujin makes a begging face towards the men.

“Not unless you intend to never meet this girl again.” Geonmin says bluntly, making Ryujin inhale deeply, widening her eyes and keep her lips sealed.

“We just don’t want to confuse you.” Hangyeom says, turning to Yeji with that friendly face restored. “If Ryujin calls us both for dad it’s because we are both her fathers.”

“Yes.” Yeji says slowly while trying to understand what they are actually trying to say. Then Ryujin sighs heavily and turns to Yeji.

“I might as well explain this for you.” She starts and makes sure to lock Yeji’s gaze before continuing speaking. “I have three parents, Sumin, Hangyeom and Geonmin. Hangyeom and Geonmin are a couple while Sumin is their close friend. Me and my brother are both birthed from Sumin but my brother has Geonmin as sperm donor and I have Hangyeom. So genetically speaking we are half siblings, but we don’t say that when we are speaking about each other, I just call him my brother. For me, all my parents are parents to an equal degree. It doesn’t matter who created me, what matters is who shaped me, who raised me, and that is the three of them.” She looks with big and almost sorry eyes at Yeji, as if she is excusing herself. Yeji only nods, trying to process the information.

“Yes, that’s how things are like.” Hangyeom says and leans forward to grab the butter.

Yeji doesn’t know what to say or how to react. She has never encountered a family like this before. Sure that some of her friends have divorced parents and stepsiblings, but this is something different. If Yeji’s parents would have been here and listened to this they would have grasped for air and fallen of their chairs. In their world there is no room for families like these. But what does Yeji herself think? Because now when she has taken the first step away from her parent’s opinions she might as well reconsider this one too. Does she find this unnatural and despiteful, or is it an experience that she’ll gladly take to her heart?

She looks at Ryujin who slowly opens her mouth, but without any words slipping through. Her expression is far from the confident and strong person that time after time has comforted Yeji. But why? What happened to that part of Ryujin? Where did it go?

“It’s quite uncommon with families like ours.” Hangyeom continues, smiling softly. “But I can assure you that it works just as fine as any other family where everyone truly loves and takes care of each other.” His warm aura embraces Yeji and she can’t help but to smile back at him. This energy makes his words weigh more and Yeji realizes that what he said is true. How the family constellation looks like doesn’t matter as long as everyone is happy and love each other. That’s what matters after all, love and happiness.

During the rest of the breakfast Ryujin remains fairly silent, but Yeji manages anyways because her parents are both very relaxed and makes her feel at ease. All the tension from before is completely gone after the revelation of the family situation. Ryujin’s fathers casually ask Yeji about her own family, the school and her hobbies. Yeji tells them about her dance and she even ends up having a long monologue about the subject. Especially Geonmin seems to be very impressed, apparently he too used to dance when he was younger. He explains that he put Ryujin in dance school when she was younger but that she quit it when she started high school.

Yeji raises her eyebrows at Ryujin. “Why have you never told me about that?”

Ryujin only shrugs. Yeji continues to stare at her in surprise while the parents raise from their seats and leave the kitchen. She feels the surprise slowly fade away and being replaced by a dull emotion.

“How come you never told me about your dance history?” Yeji repeats, for some reason feeling a bit disappointed. Ryujin knows how much Yeji loves dance. How could she just hide years of dancing experience from her?

“I don’t know.” Ryujin says once more and for some unexplainable reason Yeji doesn’t feel satisfied with the answer, instead an irritation raises inside of her.

“I know you do.” Yeji pushes the question further.

Ryujin sighs for the third time this breakfast. “Okay, I’ll admit that, but perhaps I don’t want to tell you?” Ryujin’s voice is suddenly sharp and her eyes are dark. The tone weirdly enough adds fuel to the fire that has stared burning inside of Yeji and she has no intention of holding back. The feeling both scares her and sends rushing thrills throughout her body. This is an unexperienced emotional state. Never before has she gone this far in the emotion called irritation. It’s almost as if she’s leaving the emotion in favor for something stronger.

“Why don’t you want to tell me?” Yeji asks, crossing her arms over her chest.

Ryujin rolls her eyes. “You are missing the point here, princess. I don’t want to talk about it, so don’t push it.”

“Don’t princess me.”

“What, do you find the title incorrect? You and your family sure fit into the royalty standard. You would make yourselves great in a castle somewhere where you can be all perfect and traditional together.”

The words hit Yeji like knives and transform her burning fire into a dark smoke, slowly vanishing into thin air. Judging by Ryujin’s face Yeji must look deeply hurt, if not even ready to cry, because the darkness in her eyes is replaced by regret.

“I’m sorry.” Ryujin bites her lips. “I should have controlled myself better.”

“No, it’s my fault.” Yeji replies. “I shouldn’t have pushed you. The urge just came over me, I don’t know what happened.”

Ryujin smiles. “It’s okay, I too get mad sometimes, more that you think probably.”

Mad, is that the word to describe Yeji’s feelings? It sure sounds possible. The feelings were close to what she has read in books and heard others speak about. Yeji furrows her brows in confusion.

“You know what’s weird?” She says while keeping her gaze steadily lowered towards the tablecloth. “I have never been mad before.”

“Do you mean mad as in angry or crazy?” Ryujin laughs and buffs Yeji on the arm.

“Both.” Yeji answers and looks at Ryujin who’s playful face immediately turns serious. “Isn’t that weird? I’ve never reflected on that before.”

“I don’t want to step on your toes but,” Ryujin starts. “Might it possible have to do with the environment you grew up in?”

“You mean my family?”

“Partly, yes.”

“I guess. Being angry is something my parents never have been, they were always disappointed instead. They always encouraged me and my brother to be calm and collected, always nice and well-behaved. Angry is not an emotional state that is included there.”

“Sometimes I think it’s good to let some steam out, don’t you agree?”

Yeji nods. “As long as it doesn’t go overboard, like with Hanguk.” Yeji meets Ryujin serious and now emotionless gaze. “In early September I saw him throw his phone across the room and swear over you.”

Ryujin makes a troubled face. “It doesn’t surprise me. I’ve been in numerous fights with him.”

Yeji feels that they are entering infiltrated grounds. Every word must be weighed carefully before being uttered. “Actually, I’ve seen him stalk your social medias.”

A shiver visibly runs through Ryujin’s body. “I thought I had blocked him.”

“Perhaps he made another account?”

The two stare at each other as the realization sinks in. Creepy, yes that’s the right word to describe Hanguk, creepy and unreliable.

“Did he know about your family?” Yeji asks. “I mean, that you have three parents?”

Ryujin nods. “He met them after we spent the night at my mother’s place. I had no idea that my dads were going to visit her that morning. I had just managed to get him out of bed, and he was walking to the bathroom in only his underwear. Of course my dads opened the front door just then and is met by a half-naked unknown teenager with a bad morning temper. He only grunted at them and locked himself into the bathroom. I was changing in my room and had not heard them coming, so I couldn’t hinder them from talking to him when he came out into the hall again. It was first when I heard his loud voice that I realized he was talking to someone. Apparently my dads had presented themselves and explained my family situation. I will never forget his face when he turned around to face me. He looked like he was standing beside two disgusting monsters. I don’t know why the warning bells didn’t ring in my mind already then, maybe I was in chock or something. Now afterwards I’ve realized that the reaction itself was reason enough for me to consider a breakup. That’s why I was scared that you might react the same.” Ryujin looks at Yeji with sorrow in her eyes, making Yeji’s heart melt in compassion.

“I would never do that.”

“I know, it was stupid of me, you’re better than that.”

“Perhaps you should stop comparing me with Hanguk. Our families are similar but that doesn’t necessary mean that I and Hanguk are alike. The same goes for my family, I’m not always like them.”

“Of course not, I’m sorry.” Ryujin raises from her seat and gives Yeji a peck on the forehead. “You also deserve an explanation to why I didn’t want to answer your question about the dance before.”

“You don’t have to tell.” Yeji says but fails to hide the curiosity in her voice.

Ryujin seems to load her answer as she stands there with her fingers playing in Yeji’s hair without saying anything. “I need to practice, to speak about my emotions I mean. It’s hard enough to admit them to myself but if I don’t practice there will be no progress. A dancer like you might be familiar with that.”

Yeji nods as Ryujin’s fingers keeps wandering over her head, almost working as a massage, at least with the same relaxing effect. She closes her eyes and Ryujin sighs before speaking again.

“I guess I felt like my knowledge and experience with dance is nothing compared to yours. That’s why I was uncomfortable with speaking about it.”

Yeji opens her eyes again and turns to face Ryujin, her eyes are watery.

“You don’t have to feel that way.” She leans in for a hug, even though she herself is still sitting down. “What would you tell me if our roles were reversed?”

“I would probably say that I understand your feelings and that they are valid, but also that you should stop thinking like that because no matter what knowledge or level of experience you have I’m going to treat you equally as good. Also, that your worth is not judged by your competence.”

“Then take your own advice.”

Ryujin laughs. “You’re smart, Hwang Yeji.”

“Thank you.”

They stand like that for a few seconds, embraced both by each other and the silence. They share the comforting warmth and none of them seems to want to let it go. Then, finally, Ryujin takes a step back and declares breakfast as finished and thus breaking the magic spell. Yeji can hardly wait for the wand to swing over them again and guide them into each other’s arms.


	18. HOT

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeji and a special someone at the library where they make a worrying discovery.

Yeji follows Ryujin into the school library. As expected on a Friday afternoon the library is completely empty. They pass a long row of bookcases and stop in front of a wide table where they sit down and pack up their books and computers. Their eyes keep finding each other’s but they don’t dare to act on the feelings hiding inside. Yeji has made it clear for Ryujin that she can’t let anyone know of what they have done and are still doing. If anyone knew about their plans for tonight, for example, Yeji would be panicking.

After more than an hour of intense studying, at least from Ryujin’s side, they both agree that they need a break. The clock is ticking towards half past four and they decide to stay only half an hour more, but first they both need to visit the bathroom.

They leave all their stuff behind and walk away to the other side of the library. As Ryujin opens the door to the largest bathroom she calls on Yeji with her finger. Yeji throws a glance over her shoulder before taking the few steps through the door. Ryujin closes it and leans her back towards the white surface. A smirk spreads over her face and the energy in her eyes changes. Yeji raises her eyebrows and tries to look firm but fails miserably, because how can she not smile when she has her beloved Shin Ryujin infront of her?

“I thought we were supposed to use the toilet?” Yeji asks.

“We are.” Ryujin takes a few steps forward and softly leads Yeji towards the white seat. “Sit down.”

Yeji follows her lead, interested in what’s to follow. She meets her teasing gaze as Ryujin opens her legs and sits down on Yeji’s lap, still facing her. Her arms find their way around Yeji’s neck as she continues to smile almost seductively. The touch sends heatwaves throughout Yeji’s body and creates an urge to have Ryujin even closer, her heart wants to be as near its other half as possible. Thus, she answers by pulling Ryujin closer and meeting her lips in a soft kiss. By doing so she once again enters the revered dreamland. With a tickling feeling playing inside she welcomes Ryujin’s passionate kisses. The more intense the kisses gets the further Yeji feels herself drawn into the dreamland where everything around her disappear.

“It’s really warm in here, don’t you think?” Ryujin whispers when smoothly letting her lips wander down Yeji’s neck.

“Yes.”

“Then why don’t you help me take my hoodie of?” She pierces Yeji’s gaze and is met by a genuine grin. So that’s where she wanted to take the conversation.

Without any hesitation Yeji puts her hands under Ryujin’s hoodie and lets them run over her waist, up to her breasts and out over her bare arms. The clothing falls to the dirty floor without any of them caring about it. Under the hoodie Ryujin wears a tight green t-shirt that smoothly embraces her female curves.

“Your hands are cold.” Ryujin mumbles and takes a steady grip on Yeji’s hands. She leads them towards her warm skin under the t-shirt, all while maintaining the eye contact. Beneath those deep glittery eyes Yeji believes she can trace an encouragement to continue, and thus she bravely lets her hands run higher up and cup Ryujin’s breasts. She can feel Ryujin’s nipples harden as she lets her fingers play tenderly with them. A quiet moan can be heard from Ryujin as she leans closer to once again meet Yeji’s lips. They fall into the same rhythm and lets their tongues play with each other in harmony.

After a good few minutes they finally decide to do the actual business in the bathroom. When Yeji washes her hands in the sink she smiles for herself. She loves these small getaways, and she knows Ryujin appreciates them even more. Because this is not their first secret meeting in school. Last time was earlier this morning. They had both arrived earlier to sneak away together, that time to the lonely staircase leading up to the school’s attic. Yeji suspects that Ryujin has a thing for either doing forbidden stuff or being at risk of being caught by someone, because her eyes radiates a unique energy at such occasions. Yeji loves to see it, even though she herself prefers a safer place, like Ryujin’s bedroom, where she can lock the door and pull the blinders down.

As they leave the bathroom together Yeji instinctively turns her head around. Someone is standing there, only a few meters away, on the other side of the open bookshelves. A bit harshly she declines Ryujin’s attempts to hold her hand and instead hits her on it. Ryujin gives Yeji a weird look that immediately turns serious when she sees her face. Yeji hurries her steps to create a safe distance from Ryujin. No suspicion is going to be awaken here, not today, not tomorrow, never.

“Why do you look so weird?” Ryujin whispers when she sits down across the table from Yeji.

“I saw someone.” Yeji answers and raises a book to discreetly cover her face from the unknown individual.

“Were?” Ryujin slowly turns her head and scratches herself in the neck, most likely as an excuse to turn her head around all over the room. Then she seems to spot the individual because her whole body freezes.

“Shit!” She exclaims and quickly turns her head around and stares blankly at the dark computer screen.

“What?” Now it’s Yeji’s turn to ask.

“It’s Hanguk.”

Yeji’s eyes widens and her heartbeat raises in just a millisecond. Oh no. Has he seen them? Heard them? For how long has he even been here?

“Should we pack our stuff and leave?” Ryujin asks and Yeji nods slowly. As they make their way out of the library they notice Hanguk intensely staring at them. None of them move a single muscle in their faces, trying to play as neutral as possible. When the doors have closed behind them, they rush towards the bus in order to escape from Hanguk’s energy draining presence.

“What was he doing there?” Yeji exclaims when they sit down in the very back of the bus.

“I don’t know.” Ryujin answers. “Spying on us? Being an absolute creep? Who even stands behind a bookcase and stares at people? I can’t believe I have actually dated him.”

“And I can’t believe he is my neighbor and classmate. We take the same bus to school every day.”

“Well, at least I’m blessed from that.”

“But do you think he understands what we did?”

“No, there is no way he could have seen us, and we were quiet in there, right?”

“Not exactly, at least not you.” Even though the situation is serious Yeji can’t help but to tease a little, she has learnt from the best after all, the teaser master Shin Ryujin herself.

“Wow, thank you.” Ryujin answers and playfully rolls her eyes. With a smile she leads them back to the topic. “But what I’m trying to say is that there is no proof.”

“I guess not, but can we be more careful next time? Perhaps not even doing it in school or any public place ever again?”

Ryujin’s smile drops and she looks slightly disappointed, even though she hides it well. She sighs heavily and leans closer to whisper. “Keeping this a secret is not going to last.”

Yeji looks at Ryujin as her pulse raises. “What do you mean?”

“It’s energy draining, to keep the guard up like this. You will have to tell your parents one day.”

“No.” Yeji’s voice is firm. “There is no way, they would view me as a disgusting dirty animal that needs to be tamed, and I don’t want that.”

Ryujin looks at her with a growing sadness in her eyes. “I hope you will change your mind. Because it’s not fair that you can’t be your true self just because your parents are fucked up.”

“They aren’t fucked up!”

“Okay, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that, but their opinions are outdated, don’t you agree?”

Yeji only shrugs. She understands Ryujin’s point, but it still hurts. Her parents are her parents after all. They raised her, fed her, put her to this world. Don’t they deserve to be respected? Whatever that means. Because Yeji has come to the realization that she doesn’t share their view of the world any longer, if she ever really did that. Perhaps Ryujin’s proposal isn’t that bad after all? Even though that may lay in the far future. Right now she has to learn to cope with the hypnotizing effect that comes with being around Shin Ryujin. That is something she’s more than glad to indulge in.


	19. GO HARD

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeji and her family has dinner and she decides to test her parents one last time.

“It was quite the long time since I last saw Jisu here.” Jiheun says when the Hwang family has sat down to eat their Sunday dinner. She looks at her daughter with raised eyebrows, as to encourage her to give an answer.

“Yes,” Yeji starts and clears her throat. “It was some time ago.”

“Are you still friends?” Donjun asks, just as curious as his wife.

“Yes, it’s just that sometimes the time is not enough.” Yeji continues.

“Well, that’s good to hear at least.” Jiheun sighs in relief. “Is she and Seungmin still a couple?”

“Yes.”

“I haven’t seen Seungmin in a while either, are you still friends with him?” Donjun turns to Hyunjin who quickly locks eyes with Yeji before answering his father.

“Yes.”

The conversation has almost turned into an interrogation and Yeji can’t help but to sigh heavily in her mind. How bad would she rather have talked to Jisu and Seungmin, instead of her parents asking her about them? This is mental boredom pain.

Yeji’s father swallows his food and lays his cutlery to rest against the plate. “I find Jisu and Seungmin the perfect couple, especially Seungmin is a wonderful young man. He is so intelligent, well behaved and helpful.” Donjun’s face lights up as he speaks, as if talking about his idol or something.

Jiheun nods and smiles before adding. “And Jisu, she is so pretty, charming and has the most uplifting smile I’ve ever seen.”

“You children should really take after them.”

Here we go again. You should strive to be like these people. Never do they get to hear they’re fine just the way they are, that their own work and effort, their own personality traits and behaviors, are enough. There is always something better to strive for. Yeji is sick of hearing this. It has become annoying enough for her to physically feel how it crawls under her skin, even though she so far has been able to maintain a calm facade.

“Actually, isn’t it time for you to find a partner?” Donjun asks bluntly, making Yeji almost choke on her water. “Hyunjin, why don’t you find yourself a girlfriend like Jisu? A girl like her would be such a lovely daughter-in-law. Seungmin’s parents must be thrilled to have their son partnering with her.”

Yeji throws a glance at her brother who sits across the table. He doesn’t look too amused either. The parents are at it again. If it isn’t Ryujin being an example of the perfect girlfriend then it’s Jisu. Don’t they have any sense of how to speak about their children’s friends? Also, once again, they are stuck in the heteronormative lanes. They never use the term partner when asking any of them specifically. Hyunjin always gets to hear that he should get a girlfriend and Yeji that she should find a boyfriend. What if Yeji doesn’t want a boyfriend? What if she wants a girlfriend instead? A change like that will never happen, Yeji knows as much. Still an idea grows in her mind. What if she would try them? One last time she will give them a chance to prove themselves as queer friendly.

“Do you know what?” Yeji spits out with a loud voice, earning a sour look from her father who seemed eager to continue on the former topic.

“I heard that there are two girls in our school that are dating.” Now the words are out, hovering in the air. With suspension Yeji awaits the response, and hard it hits them.

“What are you telling me!” Donjun exclaims, leaning away from Yeji with a disgusted face.

“Please tell me none of them are any of your friends?” Jiheun ads worryingly.

“Or anyone you spend any time with, and that includes you as well Hyunjin.” Their father shifts his gaze towards his son, looking very serious. Well, that’s it. Their last chance. What did she expect really? A change? Their bubble is as intact as ever, no one has managed to infiltrate it yet, and no one probably will. Still Yeji is willing to try a bit more, her whole body screams after acceptance. Because if they can’t accept and respect queer people, then they have lost a daughter, lost her, and Yeji is not up for that just yet.

“Why can’t I be friends with two lesbians?” Yeji asks, earning her a warning look from her brother. She knows she’s walking on thin ice, but she has to try, wants them so badly to change their answers.

“But Yeji, you know that very well.” Donjun sighs and looks at her like she’s a little kid.

Yeji answers in the same manner. She puts on a fake facade, blinks innocently and uses an overly light voice. “No, explain for me, please.” Please make a 180-degree turn, please.

Her father sighs heavily. “It’s unnatural behavior. It goes against how nature created us.”

“How do you mean that nature did create us then?” Yeji pushes the question further, please, please.

“To live as man and woman of course. It is only by that the human race can survive.”

“But what if we’re too many on earth? Doesn’t homosexuals fill a purpose then?” Last question now, if nature really has a say in this please make them realize their opinions are problematic, make them change.

“That’s enough Yeji, what’s with you today?” Jiheun stares at her daughter with both a disgusted and confused face.

Yeji shrugs as if her questions are nothing, trying to keep her facade up, pretending that all her hope didn’t fall to the bottom of the ocean. “I’m just curious.”

“Then you must stop that curiosity of yours. It’s for no good. We don’t want you to end up like any of them, so don’t you even dare to go close to any of those-" He seems to find it hard to put the word in there.

“Homosexuals?” Yeji fills in, raising her eyebrows. Poking the bear has never felt any better. They deserve to feel uncomfortable after making her feel totally invisible and unworthy of existence.

“Don’t use that word, Yeji. From now on it’s banned in this house.” Donjun hits his fist in the table, as if decided in court, a very unfair one. However, Yeji doesn’t speak up about against it. She gave them several chances, even questioned them, but still they remain the same in their opinions. It’s useless to try any more. Yeji will just have to live it out. When she moves out, in a few years, perhaps then she can start living the life she finds right for her.

A depressing wave hits her and embraces her in a cold shower. Does this mean she will have to live this lie for several years to come? Can she really do that? Well, what other choice does she have? She needs her parents’ care. Without their cooperation there are so many things she wouldn’t be able to do. Dancing for example. If they withdraw their payment of the tuition fee Yeji would have a hard time affording it. And dancing is, besides Ryujin, the only thing that keeps her sane right now. No, she will have to endure a few more years. Hopefully Ryujin will not oppose her choice and leave. However, Yeji wouldn’t blame her. She would probably also have had a hard time waiting for someone. Nonetheless Yeji wishes with all her heart that Ryujin has the patience to stay by her side.


	20. Heart Shaker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeji has two very different meetings, both touching her heart but in different ways.

Once again Yeji and Ryujin are studying together in the brown cottage like house. Just like the first time Yeji was here they are sitting at the kitchen table with their books and computers in front of them. However Yeji has already given up working. Instead she has spent the last minute by staring at the beautiful person sitting across the table from her. If it weren’t for Ryujin’s great ambition they would probably have been doing something else than studying now. Earlier today they bonded over their mutual cluelessness over what to do after high school. Yeji told Ryujin about her friend Chaeryeong who are going to apply for dance school. Ryujin has asked Yeji if she wanted that as well, but Yeji wasn’t sure. For her dance is more of a hobby, even if a serious one.

Now she sits, staring at this wonderful person, and wishing nothing else than to feel the softness of her skin and the smell of her natural scent. She keeps her posture for several minutes, not feeling the slightest of boredom. So finally, Ryujin reacts to her staring. She raises her eyebrows and makes a questioning face.

“Are you finished already?” She asks.

“Define finished.”

Ryujin smiles before turning back to the text she’s reading.

“When are you finished?” Yeji continues, feeling more and more like an impatient child.

“Not yet.”

“How much time do you need?”

Ryujin raises her gaze and looks at Yeji, slightly tired. “Why don’t you go to the living room and I’ll meet you there when I’m finished?”

Yeji nods, packs her stuff and leaves for the said room. She sits there in the green sofa, scrolling through her phone and chats a bit with Yuna who claims she’s home alone and incredibly bored. They entertain each other for a good 15 minutes before Yeji can hear the sound of Ryujin packing down her stuff. She then puts down her phone and waits for Ryujin’s figure to show up. When she does there is a teasing smirk over her beautiful face.

“You’ve been a bad girl, skipping out on study class.” She says as she with swaying hips starts walking towards Yeji. She slides up and caresses Yeji’s bare arm before sitting down over her thighs. The touch awakens the resting butterflies within Yeji and makes them flap their wings like crazy, creating a nerve tickling feeling that takes control over her mind.

“Well, shall you punish me then?” Yeji grins and pierces Ryujin’s gaze, feeling the elevator of lust going up and down inside her. For a second Ryujin just stares at her with raised eyebrows. Then suddenly, she burst out in a loud laughter and falls down onto the soft cushions of the sofa.

“I’m sorry but I can’t take you seriously.”

“What, why?” Yeji says half-jokingly, half not actually understanding.

“It’s just not, you.”

Yeji raises her eyebrows. Not her? Is that how she sees it? But what does Ryujin know about Yeji’s identity? She hardly knows herself. Thankfully Ryujin’s presence always manages to calm her questioning thoughts down, with her it doesn’t matter if she doesn’t know who she is anymore.

Yeji lets a smile break through, boosted with confidence by Ryujin’s sunshine aura.

“Well, perhaps I can change.” She crawls up to Ryujin, even climbing up on her. It’s the first time she has ever taken such an initiative. A sudden thrill washes over her and makes her movements even braver. She doesn’t dare to meet Ryujin’s eyes just yet and thus keeps them at her hands, which she slowly moves over Ryujin’s shirt.

“You can take it off if you want to.” Ryujin says but Yeji only hushes her, putting a finger against her soft lips.

“I’m in charge now.” She whispers sensually, even surprising herself with the tone of her voice. Ryujin grins, almost satisfyingly, proudly. The look on her face only increases Yeji’s want to continue and wanting to do so in her own way.

She bends down to steal as kiss and is met with passion. Sometimes Yeji gets surprised over Ryujin’s ability to make her actions sparkle of eager. Then on the other hand the blood of ambitiousness runs through her arteries and seems to affect every part of her life. Thus Yeji is not surprised when Ryujin lets her hands slip in under Yeji’s shirt and with her experienced hands creating a wave of want. In one single movement Yeji’s shirt falls to the floor and she feels Ryujin’s hands find their way back to her. Ryujin pulls Yeji closer to herself and entangles their legs. Her strong thighs press against Yeji’s and with her foot she carefully caresses Yeji’s wrist. The ability to multitask is extraordinary, Yeji herself can hardly focus on the emotional shower inside of her while at the same time taking initiatives. Therefore they fall back into their usual roles and Ryujin forces them to sit up. She leans with her back against the sofa’s backrest and Yeji remains on top of her. In the corner of her eyes Yeji notices her own reflection in the window behind the sofa. She bends down to receive a series of kisses in her neck which forces shivers to run through her body. The magical fingers of Ryujin starts wandering down towards Yeji’s hips and begins playing with the button on her black jeans. That’s where Yeji pushes Ryujin’s hand away.

“No.” She whispers, suddenly feeling a bit anxious.

“It’s okay.” Ryujin answers and drags Yeji down into a soft peck on the lips. As they stare into each other’s eyes Yeji suddenly gets a weird feeling. Instinctively she throws a glance at the window behind Ryujin. What she sees makes her breathing stop and showers her in a crippling fright.

“Are you all right?” Ryujin mumbles worriedly and lets her hands fall down from Yeji’s face to her exposed waist. When Yeji doesn’t answer Ryujin follows her gaze and turns around to see what she’s staring at.

“You gotta be kidding me.” Ryujin says and forcefully throws Yeji of her lap. With a soft thud Yeji lands on her back on the sofa and watches Ryujin raise from her spot to rush towards the front door. As discreet as possible Yeji crawls down to the floor to pick up her shirt. When she straightens her back to get dressed she gets tall enough to see through the window. There she stairs right into a pair of eyes filled with such darkness that Yeji immediately must break the eye contact. She suddenly feels nauseous and the room seems to spin around. What did she just witness? Or rather what did he witness?

“What the hell are you doing here?” Ryujin’s loud voice is heard from the outside. “What is your fucking problem, Hanguk?”

There it was. The name of the devil, the name of the monster, the intruder. Oh dear, her head is spinning around, she can barely see anything now, but she must support Ryujin and therefore forces herself up to the sofa. With a blurry view she stares out the window where Hanguk has moved a couple of meters away from the window. Ryujin is standing at a few arm lengths distance.

“Get out of my lawn!” Ryujin shouts. “And stop being a major creep. What do you even want?” When uttering the last sentence she almost sounds hopeless, tired, as if she can’t take his weird actions anymore.

“I’m just passing by, “ His voice is unnaturally calm, so different from his ex-girlfriend, Yeji can barely make out his words from this side of the window. Should she join them outside? Does Ryujin need her support out there?

She tries to raise from the sofa, but only ends up back on it again. Her legs are trembling. No, she’ll have to leave Ryujin alone with Hanguk.

“You’re trespassing,” Ryujin continues and crosses her arms over her chest. She leaves a big gap between her legs, as if to manifest her power, something that Hanguk seems to dislike. Because suddenly his face changes, it looks like he is faking some sort of pity. With long but slow steps he approaches Ryujin, without her flinching even the slightest. He leans close into her ear and says something that Yeji impossibly can hear, all she has to focus on is Ryujin’s stiff facials and her tense posture. Whatever he’s saying Yeji would not have liked to hear it. Especially not as close like that. To her big surprise Hanguk then leaves without any further do. Ryujin stands still, not turning her back around to look after him. Her face is frozen and it’s obvious she’s deep into her own thoughts.

Yeji sinks down in the sofa and leans her back against its backrest. This is not good. He obviously saw them kissing, caressing and being way too intimate for being just friends. However, that is not the worst part. Because who would listen to a jealous ex-boyfriend’s words? Not too many. On the other hand, if the same guy just so happens to have evidence on them. Would they believe him then?

Yeji’s head is spinning around. Because she saw to phone in his hand. He might not have captured anything, but the chance is there, and it scares the shit out of Yeji. Her secret is no longer a secret. What is she supposed to do now?


	21. Touchdown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time has come for Jiheun's birthday party and a special someone joins to help with the food. Yeji wishes for the event to pass smoothly.

So finally, the day for Yeji’s mother’s birthday party has arrived. When Yeji wakes up her mother is already working with the food. While still scratching the sleep out of her eyes she enters the kitchen.

“Good that you came.” Jiheun says while chopping some cucumber for the big bowl of salad. “At what time did you say Ryujin was supposed to arrive?”

The sound of Ryujin’s name awakens the butterflies in Yeji’s stomach and a soft smile reaches her lips. This time around Yeji has gotten used to having many different feelings and has learnt to identify the nuances. The butterflies flying now are of two different kinds, both excitement over getting to see her love but also nervousness over people potentially finding out about their true relationship. Because deep down inside she has a growing lump of worry, placed there when she saw Hanguk outside the window, staring at them with bottomless darkness in his eyes and a phone pressed against the glass. Their secret is no longer a secret.

“She is supposed to get here around 10 o’clock.” Yeji answers her mother and throws a glance at the clock on the wall.

“Well, then she should be here any minute.” Jiheun says as the sound of the knife hitting flat wood continues to fill the kitchen. Yeji remains standing and lets her thoughts fly. It doesn’t take many seconds before the sound of the doorbell echoes through the house.

“Why don’t you open the door?” Jiheun says smiling and ads another bunch of chopped cucumber in the bowl.

Yeji nods and hurries over to the hall. Perhaps a bit too eager she throws the door open, almost hitting Ryujin in the meantime.

“Good morning you too.” Ryujin laughs in surprise and flashes her white teeth. Yeji can’t help but to smile, both from feeling a bit awkward but also from the warmth created withing her heart every time she gets to meet these deep eyes.

“Are you in the midst of your weekend breakfast or something? I see you’re still in your pajamas.” Ryujin says teasingly and buffs Yeji in the side when entering the house.

Yeji can do nothing but to laugh silently, amazed by Ryujin’s ability to remember even the smallest details about her. “No, I have actually not even started my breakfast yet.”

“Really, sleeping in on an important day like this?” Ryujin continues while letting her white sneakers fall to the floor and pushing them closer to the shoe rack.

“I might have, yes.” Yeji crosses her arms.

Ryujin only laughs at her. “Relax.” Then she gets serious, locking Yeji’s gaze before continuing. “Things will turn out fine.”

Yeji nods slowly while processing all the potential interpretations of the sentence. The outfit, the party, their relationship? But sure, everything will turn out fine, she too must believe in that.

When Ryujin has hung up her jacket Yeji proposes that Ryujin will go into the kitchen while Yeji quickly changes into something more appropriate. When finished she hurries down the stairs and joins them in the kitchen. She finds herself smiling a bit too much and sometimes catches a weird glance from her brother. Other than that, nothing weird or unexpectedly happens. When almost everything is finished Jiheun suggests that they go and change into their respective party outfits. Jiheun herself will go dress-up when the others come back. Thus, Yeji leads the way into her bedroom. The silence lays its sheer veil over them when Ryujin closes the door behind her. Yeji finds herself just standing there, in the middle of her tidy room. Ryujin raises her eyebrows and directs a questioning look at her.

“Aren’t you gonna start undressing?” She says it with such a tone that Yeji’s pulse raises and her body starts warming up, reminding her of their previous meetings alone in a bedroom.

“Well-” Yeji starts but gets interrupted.

“You know I can help you, if you like?” Ryujin slowly moves closer, leaving her own bag with clothes on the floor. When Yeji doesn’t say anything Ryujin lets her sleek hands wander over Yeji’s upper body. She pulls off the shirt and un-hooks the bra which both fall to the floor. Carefully, as if dealing with the most precious thing, Ryujin lets her fingers caress Yeji’s breasts. They smoothly wander over the soft skin and reaches the sensitive nipples. A shiver runs through Yeji as her nipples hardens and Yeji can’t help but to moan quietly. The lustful feeling runs wild inside of her and only increases when meeting Ryujin’s teasing gaze.

Unfortunately, it also reminds her of how incredibly dangerous it is to do this right here and right now. Therefore, she quickly takes a step back and doesn’t let Ryujin follow her.

“Not here.” She says in a low voice. Ryujin stares at her for a split second but then nods agreeingly.

“Of course.” Her language is suddenly very formal, just like how she used to speak during the dinners when she was Hanguk’s girlfriend, the way she will have to speak during this party as well to prevent any suspicions from arise.

Ryujin turns around and bends down to pick up her bag. Yeji quickly changes out of her clothes and into the purple knee length dress that her mother wanted her to wear. What else than to fulfill her wish could Yeji do? It’s after all her mother’s birthday, who cares if Yeji feels 25 years older and not really herself in this dress. Or should she have protested?

Yeji lets her thoughts circle around the subject as she put on her black stockings and silver accessories. She has a look at herself in the full body mirror, just the make-up left. She turns around to face Ryujin and explain that she will go and do her make-up in the bathroom when she sees Ryujin struggling with her dress. It has a zip in the back and seems to be stuck.

“Let me help you.” Yeji says smiling and starts walking towards Ryujin who at first laughs quietly and then tilts her head backwards to grunt in frustration. Her blonde hair falls back over the dark green silky dress and almost gets stuck in the zipper. Yeji takes a steady grip on the zipper and has to admit it’s a struggle to smoothly pull it all the way up. It gets stuck at several parts but then finally reaches all the way to the top. The silky material is soft against Yeji’s fingers and embraces Ryujin’s waist, back and chest like a second skin. The fabric highlights Ryujin’s broad hips and Yeji can’t help herself from letting her hands slip over them and find its way down to her butt.

“Hard to keep your hands to yourself?” Ryujin laughs and turns around so that their faces are only centimeters apart. She leans in and steals a wet kiss, taking Yeji off guard. The kiss awakes all the feelings Yeji has been trying to hold back during the whole day. She presses Ryujin tightly against herself and lets her hungry lips meet Ryujin’s. With their bodies intertwined Yeji feels herself leaving the surface of the earth and entering heaven. No one else than Ryujin can take her here, no one. She never wants to let go, wants to always stay this close, it sends her comfort in the confusing and risky world she’s living in.

Then a loud knock on the door breaks through Yeji’s dreamy state. Both she and Ryujin let go of each other and hastily takes a step back. With a rising heartbeat Yeji clears her throat before answering.

“Yes?” She says while throwing a worried glance over at Ryujin who’s standing a meter away from her in her skintight, and for this family, way to short and revealing dress. If any of Yeji’s parents enters they will most likely stare at her in disgust or chock. Please say that Ryujin has yet to finish her look, because that dress will stir up conversations that none of them would like to hear.

The door slowly opens and the unbothered face of Hyunjin is revealed behind it.

“Mom wonders if you are finished soon.” He asks and Yeji’s muscles relaxes.

“We need some more time.” Yeji says and looks at Ryujin who nods agreeingly. Hyunjin shifts his gaze between them and makes a face that is hard to interpret. Did he hear them? Has he spied on them through the keyhole? Does he know what they just did in here?

Yeji quickly throws a fake smile over her face and takes a few steps closer to her brother. “Why don’t you tell mom that we will come down as fast as we can.” She almost pushes him out of the room and he stares at her in confusion.

“Sure.” He says and is not given a chance to add anything because Yeji closes the door in his face. She exhales deeply and leans towards the white door. Ryujin steps up to her and gently takes her by the arm.

“Now sit down.” She says and leads her to the bed. “You seem to be finished anyways so just relax for a bit.”

“But I’m not.” Yeji protests. “I haven’t done my make-up.”

“Aren’t the dress and all that enough?”

Yeji makes big eyes. “It’s my mother’s 50th birthday party and I need to look my very best, then I need to ad make-up.”

“Why?” Ryujin crosses her arms. “Who has said that?”  
Yeji stares at her friend in silence. Yeji has no good answer to the question. No one has told her that she needs to use make-up, but that’s what every other woman at the party will do so why shouldn’t she follow their examples?

“My mother would want that.” She finally answers, knowing that the words just uttered are true.

“Yea but why?” Ryujin sighs. “I’m just questioning the silent norms.”

“Perhaps but I don’t. Please don’t make this any harder for me.”

Ryujin gives off an apologetic smile. “I’m sorry. Sometimes I just can’t shut my mouth.”

“It’s okay. I’m glad that you are giving me new perspectives, but it also makes everything very confusing.”

Ryujin tilts her head and smiles compassionately. “Understandable, I’m sure you’ll find your own opinions if you only let yourself really listen to others and then reflect on it.”

Yeji nods and raises from her bed, feeling Ryujin’s gaze on her as she leaves for the bathroom. As she opens her bag with make-up and starts applying it the conversation she just had plays on repeat in her head. Make-up is generally about being pretty, isn’t it? Pretty for who? The only one Yeji really cares about finding her pretty is Ryujin, and she was the one who proposed her to go barefaced. Does she really have to use make-up then? Is it even important to be pretty? Isn’t the inside what’s really important?

Yeji sighs heavily and looks at her face in the mirror. The eyebrows are colored, mascara applied and the eyeliner painted. Yeji wishes it weren’t important with looks, but everything in society tells her otherwise. Even her parents tell her so. Why would her mother otherwise wish for Yeji to wear this purple dress? If looks weren’t important then she could just have worn anything. But clothes are also a symbol of group affiliation. Dressing in the same way, in a similar style, can show your loyalty to a certain group. The purple dress is a perfect example of that. Because that exact style, modest yet elegant, is what everyone in her parent’s social circle are wearing. Her parents want her to be like them, but Yeji is not too sure if she shares the same wishes.

After a last glance at herself in the mirror Yeji decides that she is finished with her make-up and leaves the bathroom. When she enters the bedroom again Ryujin’s look is altered. Her arms are now coved by a simple yet elegant cardigan which also hides most of her otherwise very defined curves. Along with the simple earrings and innocent silver hairpins the look is turned down from sexy to elegant. Unlike Yeji, Ryujin doesn’t wear any make-up. Except for that she too has fallen for the pressure form the group. Yeji knows that Ryujin is well aware of what fashion codes there are at this event, and Ryujin doesn’t want to make a scene by dress up oddly. To be honest Yeji is glad for that, because the spotlight is something she wants them to stay out of tonight.

As they declare themselves as finished, they descend the stairs and goes back into the kitchen.

“You look lovely!” Jiheun exclaims when meeting the girls again and a big smile spreads over her face.

“Thank you.” Yeji answers and feels her cheeks heat up over the sudden attention.

“What a wonderful green color.” Jiheun continues and nods towards Ryujin’s dress.

“Indeed, I carefully chose it for this special event.” Ryujin answers and bows while smiling politely. Yeji can almost not hold back the laughter playing inside of her. Ryujin can really be cheesy sometimes. However, her mother seems to appreciate it as her smile is wider and shinier than usual. Yeji wonders if Jiheun would have appreciated it as much if Ryujin wore it without the cardigan, most likely not.

After sharing a few more words Jiheun exits the kitchen to go dress up and thereby leaves Yeji and Ryujin alone in the kitchen. They clean up the rest of the dishes while chit chatting. Yeji is sure to keep a friendship distance to Ryujin, even though it’s a bit hard at times. Especially when her eyes have laid upon Ryujin for a few seconds too long.

After some time the guests start to arrive and are greeted by the men of the house. Yeji stays in the kitchen as she is not too fond of answering the same old questions about school over again. Ryujin stays with her and makes sure that everyone gets to have a bite. Jiheun sometimes checks on them but Ryujin reassures her that she can relax and enjoy her party, Ryujin has it under control. Yeji is sure that her mother is impressed by Ryujin and it warms her heart dearly, even though it also breaks it. Because Jiheun would never allow Yeji to live in a way where this could be the everyday life, where Ryujin could be her life partner.

Yeji can feel the inner lump of sadness make itself heard, slowly raising its voice. No, no sad thoughts are allowed now. She has to be able to keep her facade intact.

In a hasty movement Yeji turns around to start clearing the dishes instead, anything to prevent the thoughts from going in the wrong direction. She earns a wondering and slightly worried glance from Ryujin, which she unfortunately has to ignore. Just the thought of meeting her gaze is enough to push the tears to the edge. She has to remain calm and at least seemingly unaffected by any stronger emotional state. If she wants this play pretend to work she better step up her game.

As they continue working in silence the door leading into the kitchen from the hall suddenly opens. On instinct they both turn around, smilingly, ready to meet another relative or friend of Yeji’s parents. However, their smiles drop when they realize who is standing there. Yeji feels all the warmth run of her and her muscles tenses. They face a tall dark-haired man, dressed in a white shirt and black pants, an outfit seemingly tailored for him. His face radiates confidence and he seems relaxed, almost too relaxed, as if he is pretending. Because there is something lurking behind those dark eyes of his, a blazing storm protected only by a thin wall.

“Good afternoon.” Hanguk says as he enters, leaving the door open behind him. Anyone passing by has a chance of hearing their conversation from now on.

“Good afternoon.” Ryujin answers while looking as calm yet as firm as ever. Yeji only nods as a greeting and doesn’t dare to open her mouth even the slightest.

“It smells good.” He continues and slowly walks towards the kitchen island where Ryujin stands. He softly sweeps with his hand over the compact surface, creating a dry sound. Yeji notices how he quickly eyes Ryujin up and down before opening his mouth again.

“I heard you helped to cook the food.”

“Yes.” Ryujin sweeps her cardigan tighter around her body, thus covering more of her green dress.

“It was delicious.” Hanguk leans towards the stone surface of the counter, on the opposite side from Ryujin. Not once has he shifted his gaze from his ex-girlfriend, treating Yeji as if she isn’t there, as if she is invisible, as if she is nothing more than air.

“I remember you used to cook for me.” Hanguk continues and pierces his ex-girlfriend’s gaze.

“I’ve cooked for many people.” Ryujin answers coldly and this seems to be enough for Hanguk, it didn’t take much to break his fake facade. His friendly smile disappears and gets replaced by those dark and hellbound eyes.

“Perhaps you would like to tell me about those recipes outside?” He makes a weird face, almost as if he is referring to something the Yeji doesn’t understand. Ryujin visibly tenses and when she turns around to face Yeji she fails to hide the slight panic in her eyes.

Should Yeji do something? Interfere perhaps? But Ryujin didn’t make a grimace to communicate any sort of message. Or is Yeji supposed to take those eyes as an answer themselves?

Hanguk raises his eyebrows at Ryujin when she turns her head back around. “I’m sure you’ll realize you just have to make those dishes again.”

“Alright, I’ll tell you about them.” Ryujin answers bluntly without a trace of warmth in her voice. As she leads the way out Hanguk lays a hand on her back. Yeji can just make out how Ryujin pushes the arm away before they disappear from her sight. The sound of the front door opening and closing is heard and thereby Yeji is left alone in the kitchen. Did she make the right choice not insisting on following them? To stay here while Ryujin is left alone with her creepy ex-boyfriend? Should she go out to them?

Just as Yeji is considering leaving the room someone enters from the dining room. Automatically she turns around and smiles friendly and all of a sudden she is occupied with other stuff. When she is finished and once again left alone in the room she barley has the time to think before Ryujin enters again. Her face is pale and her movements stiff and unnatural.

“Are you alright?” Yeji asks worriedly, but Ryujin only waves dismissively with her hand as an answer. “What did he say to you?”

“Nothing, he just wanted to talk about the past.” Ryujin answers without meeting Yeji’s gaze.

“Are you alright? You do seem a bit off.”

“I’m fine.” Ryujin marches towards the sink and shoves down the cutlery and starts washing them. Yeji bites herself in her bottom lip. Something is not right, that’s for sure. This is not like the usual Ryujin.

Then the door into the dining room opens again and Jiheun enters. She explains that most people have finished their meals and that she had gotten many compliments about the food. Ryujin smiles weakly while keeping her eyes at the sink. Yeji steps in and answers all her mother’s questions, still with a lingering feeling of worry in her body.

“Why don’t you come and sit down with us?” Jiheun proposes in a cherish voice, seemingly unaware of the gloomy energy in the room.

Yeji throws a glance over at Ryujin who has finished cleaning the cutlery. “Sure, we’ll join you, right Ryujin?”

Ryujin nods, still without speaking and follows them out into the dining room. Jiheun shows them into the living room where they have moved the sofas and set up extra tables and chairs to make room for more people eating at the same time. When entering Yuna waves at them and Yeji leads the two of them to her table, placed right in front of the TV.

“Hello, where have you been all this time?” Yuna asks curiously and leans closer to whisper in Yeji’s ear. “I’ve been dying here with only elders as company. They either ask me about school or talk about their elderly cramps.”

In the middle of all thoughts regarding Ryujin’s conversation with Hanguk Yeji finds herself smiling at his little sister. They are so different form each other. Yuna is nothing but lovable while her older brother is the exact opposite.

As Yuna lets her mouth run Yeji notices that Ryujin is barley listening, she seems to be deep in her own thoughts. Under the table Yeji touches Ryujin’s feet with hers as a way of asking how she’s doing. At first Ryujin doesn’t even react but then she turns around and smiles surprisingly reliable. When Yuna asks her something she answers politely but doesn’t say more than necessary. However, most of the time she just sits there, staring out into thin air. Just as Yeji is going to ask Ryujin if she wants to take some fresh air, and hopefully sharing the truth about her changed condition, the TV lights up behind them. Yeji turns around in surprise as she sees the sign of a phone connecting to the screen. Immediately she sweeps with her gaze over the room, trying to detect her mother or father. Perhaps it’s time for a slide show of picture to commemorate her mother? But when she finds them, they look just as confused as herself. Then who could it be otherwise?

“Are you okay?” This time it’s Yuna’s turn to ask Ryujin. When turning towards her Yeji notices that Ryujin looks like she is about to throw up.

“Do you need a glass of water?” Yuna continues but doesn’t come any further in her quest to help. Instead they all get distracted by a film that appears on the screen. Plenty of loud gasps and chocking expressions fill the crowded room. When Yeji turns around to face the screen she almost falls of her chair. Her heart breaks and splits into pieces. No, no, no, this can’t be true. Her worst nightmare just came to life, is released from hell, left to freely run the surface of the earth, meeting the eyes of all the people she knows. She is so dead, because on the screen there is a long film clip of her and Ryujin making out on a sofa. Even the part when Ryujin pulls of Yeji’s shirt and throws it to the ground is recorded. The sound of upset voices fills Yeji’s ears and blocks any sane thought from coming through. With a loud noise Ryujin raises from her chair.

“Who’s airing this?” She shouts and sweeps with her arm towards the TV. “Quit it. Now!” Her tone is sharp and voice louder than all people and the video together, thus making her statement very clear. Yet nothing happens, the video is still running in the background. The only difference is that everyone now has their attention directed towards her, comparing the figure standing in front of them with the blond person on the screen. As the people start connecting the two girls their mouths and eyes widens in shock, some faces radiate pure disgust and one person even leaves the room.

“Oh dear.” Yuna gasps and looks in surprise from the TV to her seatmates. She too seems to have realized now. The room is spinning around before Yeji’s eyes. She knew it, she had seen the phone, she could have prevented this. Yet she didn’t. Her weak soul and non-existing gut have put her in the worst position possible.

Still with all eyes upon her Ryujin turns her head towards the door leading out into the hallway. With her hands pressed against the table she seems to be listening to something, breathing heavily. Then, as in a flash, she leaves her spot and rushes towards the door. When exiting she disappears into the hallway.

“How dare you!” Ryujin’s upset voice fills the house and is followed by a loud thud. No one in the living room moves even the slightest, it’s almost as if they have frozen, including Yeji herself. The noise continues from the hallway and is ended by a loud slam, most likely caused by a door. A few seconds follows and then the video on the TV is taken down. An uncomfortable silence lays upon the people in the living room. Yeji has no power to move and therefore remains in the burning hell. Why can’t Ryujin come back soon? She’ll know what to say. She'll be able to clean this mess up, she must be, because Yeji sure doesn’t know how to.

“Yeji?” Jiheun’s trembling voice breaks the silence and Yeji notices how her mom has tears in her eyes. “Is this you, have you really done this?”

The air lays thick as everyone waits for the answer. Yeji is standing in front of the court, alone and exposed she stands in front of the judges. If she confesses there is nothing but a punishment to follow, that much is clear. What the punishment includes however is still unknown, and it frightens her. But what other choice then confessing does she have? Blaming it on video editing? That it’s not her in the video but some look-alike? Besides, lying to them is also lying to herself, and she is done with that now.

Therefore, Yeji nods slowly, causing her mother to gasp loudly. Her father hastily raises from his chair and forcefully presses his hands against the table. With furrowed eyebrows he stares at his only daughter.

“I don’t know what has happened to you. We have seen no indications on a behavior like this before. You used to be a normal girl. Now look what you have done, engaged in unnatural activities like that.” He takes a few seconds to breath and Yeji sees how he physically is trying to hold back his tears. “What happened to you? What made you do this? What is to blame?”

Just then the door from the hall slams open, powerfully enough to hit the wall behind. It creates a sound loud enough for everyone to instinctively direct their gaze towards it.

“I can answer that, mister Hwang.” Hanguk exclaims when bursting in. Over his face there is the smile of a psychopath about to ruin someone’s life. Yeji feels a hand grasping hers and when turning around she notices Yuna staring in fright at her older brother.

“The blonde girl on the video is to blame. Her weird and bizarre ways has spread to your innocent daughter.” He stares at Donjun. What is he saying? Has he gone mad? Ryujin might have been the one who awoke her, but she didn’t plant any seed, she only watered and shined upon the poor soul and made it blossom. How dare Hanguk say something like this? The growing rage is almost strong enough for Yeji to step up and shout back at him. However, her courage fails her and rather pushes her down in the mud, making it impossible to even utter a word.

“It’s true,” Hanguk continues. “And do you know what she just did to me? She jumped me, made me fall on my back, totally unprovoked.”

Totally unprovoked? He could wish that. Yeji is sure that he was the one to showcase the video and that Ryujin only jumped him to stop the video from showing. It was for the good sake of everyone, but where is she now?

Yeji directs her gaze towards the door opening. For some reason she pictures Ryujin coming in, saving the day like a knight in shining armor. Yeji would really need someone to come and slay the evil dragon. However, the doorpost remains empty. Instead Jiheun speaks up.

“My dear, dear daughter. How could this happen to you? Why? What have we done to deserve this?” When uttering the last sentence she raises her head towards the ceiling, as if seeking an answer from a higher power, or just pushing back her tears.

A guest lays a hand on Jiheun’s shoulder and looks at her with a face mixed of compassion and fright. “We will be here for you. I have an acquaintance that work with treating these things. I can give you the phone number.”

“It’s a shame to the family.” Another one says and leans closer to Jiheun. “Be sure to keep an eye on her, it might happen again. One never knows with these people.”

“Indeed,” A third one ads. “They’re sick and doesn’t know what’s best for them. However, some of them can be cured, and live normal lives with a partner of the correct gender. I’m sure that Yeji can change if she gets the right professional help and support from the family.”

The words are attacking Yeji’s ears and the wounds spreads into her already scarred mind. Please someone, something, take her out of here. Take her back to her safe heaven.

“Yeji!” Donjun’s voice overpowers the upset small talk between the guests. “Your mother and I need to speak with you, alone.” He stares at his daughter with eyes filled of mixed emotions, all of them making Yeji feel highly uncomfortable. What is to wait now?

He starts walking towards the hall and Jiheun follows him. Reluctantly Yeji lets go of Yuna’s hand and raises from her chair. With everyone’s gaze upon her she walks in a shameful light out of the room. She can feel Hanguk’s satisfied face following her and his eyes of darkness staring at her without the slightest touch of compassion. In the hallway there is no trace of Ryujin. Where did she go? Yeji could really use her support right now.

The parents lead the way up to their bedroom and closes the door behind them. Donjun orders Yeji to sit down on the bed and so she does, with her gaze locked to the floor.

“That video,” Donjun starts and crosses his arms over his chest. “Do you admit that you were in it?”

Yeji nods slowly, feeling smaller and smaller for each second she spends under the judging gaze of her parents.

“And that other girl,” Jiheun continues. “Was it really, Shin Ryujin?” Her voice is trembling and when Yeji gazes up at her it looks like she is expecting the worst of answers. Yeji nods again. Donjun sighs heavily, shaking his head in disbelief.

“I really thought better of that girl.” He starts, still shaking his head. “She seemed so well-behaved, intelligent and down to earth. I mean, she used to date Hanguk, has she been deceiving us all this time?” He turns to his wife.

She shrugs tiredly. “I don’t know. Perhaps she and Yeji aren’t good for each other. Perhaps the combination of them triggered it?”

“That’s not how it works. Ryujin must have been fooling us all. There must be something wrong in one’s brain to think and act that way she has. You saw it yourself in the video. She took all the initiatives. Our poor Yeji was lead on. We have to keep her away from that disastrous monster.”

Yeji doesn’t want to hear anymore, doesn’t want the hear her parents throw Ryujin’s name in the dirt, stomp on it, crush it with all their might. When doing so they also abuses a piece of Yeji’s heart. Because ever since that first time they spent alone in the kitchen Ryujin has owned a piece of Yeji. Therefore, declaring Ryujin a tasteless unworthy being is also declaring a part of Yeji the same. Only when she has Ryujin by her side she can feel whole, and right now that means she is broken. She needs her other half to function properly, and where she went Yeji has no idea of. All she knows is that she won’t be able to see Ryujin again for a very long time, and it breaks the rest of her heart as well, leaving it trashed in pieces.


	22. STUCK

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeji tries her best to complete the day and meets some of Hyunjin's friends in the corridor.

The following monday Yeji wakes up without feeling anything at all, completely empty, shut down. As on autopilot she gets dressed, eats her breakfast and packs her bag. She brings her make-up into the bathroom on the upper floor and opens the bag to pick up her essential pieces. Mascara, eyeliner and eyebrow pencil. She lifts the dark brown tool and raises her gaze towards the mirror. A pair of bland lifeless eyes meets hers. It wasn’t too long ago since she stood here in her purple dress and reflected over Ryujin’s words about make up.

Yeji lowers her pencil. Ryujin, the forbidden name, the banished person, the safe heaven. Forcefully Yeji slams the pencil against the white porcelain sink. Damn it! She wasn’t going to think about her, yet she keeps doing so, over and over again. Her parents had apparently spent the whole Saturday night discussing Yeji and the reveal that happened during Jiheun’s 50th birthday party. Because the morning after they came into Yeji’s room and talked to her for over an hour. They had made a whole list of new rules for Yeji to follow, of course created with what’s best for her in mind. Yeji had only sat there and listened, only opening her mouth to answer yes or umm agreeingly. Because what’s there to do? They’re her parents, she lives in their house and therefore their rules apply. With a sinking mood Yeji listened to them lecturing her, forbidding her to see Ryujin ever again, telling her what a bad mistake it was to let Yeji spend time with her. They also grounded Yeji and only let her go to dance practice if she changed at home and left immediately after. Of course they were to drive her there as well, to maximize the time they can have their eyes on her. She also has to come home directly after school and will have to videocall her father as soon as she enters the house to prove it. What a prisoned life.

She sighs heavily and just then Hyunjin walks past the open door. He stops in his steps and turns his head towards his sister. With arms crossed over his chest he leans against the door frame.

“Are you alright?” He asks and Yeji wants to throw the pencil in his face for asking, but she doesn’t, of course. A well-behaved girl like her would never let her emotions take control over her. Instead a well-behaved girl would turn around and smile like a porcelain doll when answering the question. A well-behaved girl might do that, but Yeji doesn’t fall under that category any longer. Not according to her parents, not herself and probably not her brother either. Nonetheless Yeji tries her best with going back into the role. Her only way back to freedom goes through that role. She must take it to her heart and make it her identity. Then she will be back in the free world. Except she won’t. The only reason she used to play the role so well was because she didn’t know about this side of her, that she likes girls, that she is accepting towards queer relationships and that she is in love with Ryujin. With this knowledge it’s impossible to go back to the way things were before, which means Yeji will be stuck in this prison forever.

“I’m okay.” Yeji answers her brother as a way of trying to convince both him and herself that it’s true. He doesn’t seem to buy her lie though but says no more. After a few seconds of just standing there, staring at his twin sister, he leaves. Yeji sighs again as she starts to apply her make-up. When finished she puts on her outwear, a white jacket, scarf and gloves. Her parents have already left for work but she heard them telling Hyunjin to make sure Yeji follows their rules. Off to the bus Yeji goes with her twin brother who apparently also serves as her guard from now on. When seeing who is also standing at the bus stop she actually is quite happy that she has him with her. Because the last person she wished to see is standing right in front of her, the nightmare himself, Shin Hanguk. He stares at Yeji with a triumphant and self-assured gaze, filled with darkness and hatred from which he probably got the mad idea to expose Yeji and Ryujin at the party. If Yeji wasn’t scared of him she would probably have stared back at him, letting him know about her feelings towards him. Unfortunately, his eyes still hold the strongest negative energy. Yeji would probably have to become a different person in order to reverse their roles, and Yeji is not going to sink that low.

They do not exchange a word and when entering the bus Yeji sits down as far away as possible from him. Hyunjin goes to sit with his busmate Jeongin as usual, even though their parents had asked him to make sure Yeji follows their rules. However, she is happy that he trusts her, or disobeys their parents’ order, whatever is closest to the truth. It gives Yeji some time to catch her breath.

Yeji makes sure to keep her distance from Hanguk even when getting of the bus. She accompanies Hyunjin who is still speaking with Jeongin as they enter the school. Jeongin bids them farewell and leaves for another corridor as the Hwang twins ascends the stairs to the second floor. As they are in the same class they have their lockers in the same section and therefore head for them to hang in their outwear.

“Well, good morning.” Jisu chirps cheerily when she arrives, arm in arm with her boyfriend Seungmin.

“Hi.” Yeji answers weakly, only throwing a quick glance over her shoulder to greet them.

“Slept well?” Jisu continues.

Yeji doesn’t know how to answer that question. If she tells the truth the lit atmosphere will die in a second but if she lies it will be obvious. Thankfully, she doesn’t have to make a choice as her brother speaks up.

“As well as one can on a Sunday before school.”

Jisu laughs as she opens her locker. “True that, at least this Sunday I got to spend the night with my baby.” She throws a kiss over the hall where Seungmin has his locker. A slight tone of red spreads over his face as he smiles back at her.

A loud whistle is heard echoing through the hallway and they all turn towards the man entering with his bag thrown across his right shoulder.

“Well, if you spent the night with him I bet you didn’t get much sleep really.” The young man known as Hyunjin’s friend Jisung laughs and winks. Seungmin rolls his eyes and turns back to sorting his things in his locker.

“Perhaps we don’t have to dig any deeper on that.” Jisu says smilingly.

“Too bad, I love listening to Seungmin talk about his sexlife. It seems awesome.”

“Jisung.” Seungmin says and gives him a warning glare.

Jisu only laughs at her boyfriend’s friend and closes her locker. She turns to Yeji who still has her back turned towards the others.

“Are you ready for the world’s most entertaining class, math?”

Yeji presses her lips tightly together. All those words reminded her of Ryujin, who by the way probably also is starting her first class of the day right now, which means they might run into each other. What should Yeji do then? Pretend that she doesn’t know her? Greet her and then continue? Act as if nothing has happened? She has so many questions to ask Ryujin, so many words that has to be aired and only can be aired in the soul presence of Ryujin. Damn it, how is she going to make it through the day?

“Yeji, are you alright?” Jisu asks, the second time someone wonders during the same morning.

“Yes, I’m fine.” Yeji quickly turns around and squeezes through an overly happy and absolutely fake smile. Jisu stares questioningly at her but has no time to utter a comment as Jisung speaks up again.

“So when are you leaving for Friday?” He directs his gaze towards Hyunjin who, a bit awkwardly, scratches his neck as he answers.

“I don’t know yet.”

“If you want we can go together? I’ll be leaving at 17. Minho wanted me to by some pizza on the way there and I could really use an extra hand.”

“Sounds great.” Hyunjin mumbles while keeping his gaze directed to his math books.

“Great, and by the way. Don’t worry about the booze, I know this guy who can get it for us.”

Booze? Yeji turns to her brother with big eyes. What is he going to do this weekend? And alcohol? Their parents can surely not know about this, they would have put him in their made-up prison as well if they found out his plans.

When they depart for the classroom Yeji makes sure to come side by side with her brother. She leans in to whisper in his ear. “What are you doing this weekend?”

He stares at her in fright, as if he too has been exposed. Yeji raises her eyebrows as a sign for him to answer her question.

“Minho is hosting a birthday get together.” He starts but corrects himself when Yeji keeps staring at him. “Don’t worry. Mom and dad will never know.”

“Have you started drinking?” She asks, wondering what she has missed during these weeks when Ryujin has been the only thing on her mind.

“No.” He sighs tiredly. “Don’t worry about me. I can take care of myself.”

“I sure hope so. You don’t want to end up in my position.” Yeji looks at him with a serious expression, fighting away the tears that lures behind her eyes. Their gazes split when they reach the classroom and has to redirect their focus. Although Yeji finds it hard to keep her focus on anything at all. The thoughts are running around like mad cows in her mind, leaving nothing substantial behind. If only she can manage these first days things will be okay. They have to, otherwise Yeji doesn’t know what to do with herself.


	23. Three Times A Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another dance practice and Yeji's parents give her new information.

Yeji is at her dance practice for the first time since her parents restricted her. As they said they had dropped her off outside the dance studio and said that they were going to be there when the class ends. To be honest Yeji is happy that they didn’t take her out of the class completely. That must mean they still love her, right?

Nonetheless, dancing has the same effect on her, taking her into her sacred zone where nothing from the outside world has any impact or meaning. It’s a total bliss and harmony. She is also glad to see Chaeryeong, the friend that doesn’t know her family, classmates or fate. With Chaeryeong she can be the part of herself which is not yet infected by any poison, and that too is an escape much needed right now. When they greet each other with a hug Yeji holds on a bit longer than usual. Chaeryeong only laughs about the extended hug and smiles heartfully. The cherish face of her friend helps to lighten up Yeji’s mood and makes room for her to breathe. If she only could spend the rest of her days like this, then nothing would be a burden anymore.

Time passes and the dance practice is declared as finished, a few minutes before it’s supposed ending time. As usual Chaeryeong stays behind a few more minutes to continue stretching. Yeji throws a glance at the clock on the wall. She still has five more minutes until she has to be outside and get into her parent’s car. Her parents, just the thought of them is enough for the lump of uneasiness to expand inside of her. She can feel the wrinkles spread over her forehead as the emotion drags her deeper down into the dark hole.

“Are you alright?” Chaeryeong suddenly says and looks up at Yeji from where she’s stretching on the floor.

“What?” Yeji is quickly drawn back up to the surface. “I’m fine, just a bit tired.”

Chaeryeong looks at her without saying anything. Then she gets up and smiles softly. “Okay then, shall we leave?”

Yeji nods and they leave the studio to go get their bags in the locker room. They walk side by side in silence. Chaeryeong opens the door into the dark evening and Yeji properly thanks her. Yeji’s parents’ car is parked in one of the parking lots. Yeji can see both her parents sitting inside of it. When just a few meters away from them Yeji stops. Chaeryeong walks a few more steps before stopping as well. She turns around and raises her eyebrows as to ask what’s going on.

“My parents are picking me up today.” Yeji smiles weakly and makes a gesture towards the car.

“Oh, okay. Well see you next time.” Chaeryeong moves closer and leans in for a hug. This time however, Yeji does not hug her as tight and makes the whole gesture pass quickly. Her body is tense not only by the evening cold but also because her parents’ eyes are directed at her. Is this how her future is going to look like? Being monitored by her parents like she is some kind of criminal in jail? She must do something about this.

Yeji waves of Chaeryeong and takes a seat in the back of the car. Her parents immediately turn around to face her. With a firm looking face her father opens his mouth.

“Who was that girl?”

Yeji puts on the seat belt and a clicking sound is heard. “It was Chaeryeong. The girl who aspires to become a professional dancer. I think I’ve told you about her before. She’s so sweet and caring, and such a hard worker. You should know how many hours she spends on dancing every week.” Yeji babbles like there is no tomorrow, she can’t stand the tension, has to find a way to loosen up, make them loosen up.

“Don’t ever touch her again.” Donjun stares at his daughter. “Do you understand me? You are not allowed to touch any girl under any circumstances.”

Yeji feels the tension being replaced by a flood of tears. Her father really means what he’s saying, the tone of his voice and his determined eyes tells her so. He has never scolded her like this before, she’s not used to it. Every scolding word is like a strike in her facade, which can’t hold up forever. Especially not if it doesn’t get any time to restore itself.

She lets her gaze fall. “Yes, father.”

“We have booked a therapy session for you.” Her mother continues in a much softer and more careful tone, almost as if she can feel Yeji’s pain. Yeji looks up at her mother, hoping to meet compassion in her eyes, but of course she doesn’t. Instead her mother looks scared, as if Yeji is some kind of monster that any time could jump her and cause injuries. In one way she has already done that, by identifying as a queer person. Or does she really? Or is it like her father claims, a mind game played on her by Ryujin? Is she really bewitched and if so, can she be cured? Nonetheless Yeji can’t deny the pain that walks with her and does its very best to break her down. It wasn’t there before she met Ryujin, before she started liking girls. Perhaps her parents are right? Perhaps it’s actually a disease? And if that’s so, Yeji would gladly accept any kind of help to relief the agony.

When Yeji comes back home she goes straight into the shower. She lets the hot water burn over her body. It redirects her focus to the boiling pain on her skin instead of the one in her heart. When exiting she stares at herself in the bathroom mirror. Barefaced, just like Ryujin always is. No, now the thoughts are wondering there again. She has to stop it. If she wants the pain the disappear she must focus on something else. It doesn’t matter what, her studies, cleaning or even her brother’s newfound friends. Anything to distract her from what makes her feel so much.

As she goes back into her bedroom, she notices the screen on her phone lighting up. Without thinking she picks it up to check the notification. Instantly her body freezes yet manages to make her heart race. It’s Ryujin, she has called and left several text messages, again. She has tried do come in contact with Yeji every day since the birthday party, but Yeji hasn’t answered a single time. During the weekend she was heavily guarded by her parents and yesterday she had enough problem with surviving the school day. But what about now? Should she answer? Yeji hesitates, hovering with her finger over the lit-up screen. No, what is she doing? Of course she shouldn’t answer. Didn’t she just a minute ago tell herself that Ryujin is no good for her? Dear fate, she really needs that therapy. Or anything else that can help her go back to normal, go back to when she didn’t feel this much.


	24. MAKE ME GO

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeji has an unprepared meeting at her locker.

The following day Yeji’s mother has a morning arrand in the city and decides to drive both Yeji and Hyunjin to school. When they have arrived Hyunjin exits the car first and right before Yeji is going to close her door Jiheun calls on her.

“We have a therapy session booked for you.” She says. “At three o’clock November the second.”

Yeji only nods without commenting any further. As she enters the school her thoughts are lingering around her mother’s words. The therapy session is already next week. Surprisingly enough Yeji feels relief for the first time in a long time, as if some weight is lifted of her shoulders. The session might actually help her continue walking her path in life without any burden.

In deep thoughts she walks up to her locker. There are few people passing by since their mother had dropped them off early. Hyunjin parted with Yeji already at the entrance, claiming he was going to speak to one of his friends who has his locker on the first floor. Therefore, she stands alone at her locker and rolls on the number combination to unlock it. Just when she has found the right numbers, the sound of someone clearing their throat is heard right next to her. The sudden noise makes her jump in her spot and hastily turn around. Totally unprepared she faces the person who leans against the neighboring locker. Of course, it’s the one person she has yet to face after last weekend’s event, Shin Ryujin. Her face is serious and her deep eyes are filled with sorrow. Yeji presses her lips tightly together as just the sight of Ryujin is enough to make her heart ache. All the previous events flashes before her eyes and stirs up an emotional chaos that Yeji has no preparation to handle. The tears start to find their way up to her eyes as her heart starts beating faster. This is not good, not here, not right now. Still, she has no other alternative than to try pretending everything is fine. She can’t break down now.

“You scared me.” Yeji says and turns away, opening the locker and thus hiding her face behind it. With slightly shaky hands Yeji starts arranging her stuff. If Ryujin asks as much as one question about how she is feeling she’ll burst.

“I’m sorry.” Ryujin says, still hidden behind the locker’s door. “I thought you noticed me.”

“No.” Yeji states coldly, trying to rebuild the façade that never had a solid foundation to begin with. Please Ryujin, leave.

“I think we need to talk.” She continues instead.

Yeji sighs discreetly. Talk, what could Ryujin possibly have to say? Yeji has nothing to say to her, she just wants to leave it all behind. Talking about it will only make her wounds go deeper and destroy the tiny amount of healing she has worked so hard to accomplish these last days.

“Yeji?” Ryujin makes herself heard again. This time she moves away from the door and goes up to face Yeji on the other side. Yeji turns her head away, can’t bear to look Ryujin in the eyes again. She must get her to leave. This is hurting too much, makes her too emotional. Soon she won’t be able to handle herself.

“I don’t want to talk.” She therefore spits out, turning her head slightly towards Ryujin, just enough for her to in the corner of her eye notice Ryujin’s reaction. Her eyes widen, as if she’s surprised of the harshness in Yeji’s tone.

“Why?” Ryujin’s voice is pitiful and her shoulders slopes slightly.

“We just can’t.”

“But why?”

Then Yeji slams her locker shut and presses her hand against its cold surface. She turns her head and stares at Ryujin, thus pushing her self-control to the limit. “Isn’t it enough for me just not wanting to see you anymore?”

Ryujin raises her eyebrows and stares at Yeji in chock. Yeji’s muscles tenses, preparing for a hit, a strike, a fight, but none of it comes. Instead Ryujin just presses her lips together and shakes her head. Tears fill her eyes and her eyebrows slowly tilts downwards.

“If you’re upset we can talk about it, you know.” She says with an unsteady voice.

“But what is it that you don’t understand?” Yeji sighs loudly, while trying to fight the pain scratching its long nails towards her sore insides. “I don’t want to talk to you, nor see you ever again. You were a mistake, and I have to correct it now.”

With closed eyes Yeji takes a deep breath and pulls back her hand from the locker. The pain stabs its sharp knife right into her flesh, creating a big bleeding wound. Every cell within her body starts screaming as if the doomsday laid right before them. If it only was like that, then the pain would have met its ultimate end and Yeji would be free, but no. It’s still lingering around her, whispering hateful words and pushing her further down into the dark.

As Yeji locks her locker she notices Ryujin’s tense posture. Ryujin takes a deep breath before speaking up.

“If that’s what you want, then I’ll leave you alone.” Her voice is hard as steel and cold as ice. The sudden sharpness forces Yeji to turn around and meet Ryujin’s gaze, knowing that this might be the last time she does so. Ryujin’s eyes are filled with all the oceans’ floods and all the hell’s fire at the same time. It’s like running into a thick wall of emotions, and then Yeji has only seen the surface.

In one single movement Ryujin has turned around and started marching out from the school. Yeji stares at her when she disappears behind the entrance doors. Was this the last she will ever see of Ryujin? Is she gone now, out of her life? Has she really cut the wire between them, the invisible bond?

With an increasing need for oxygen Yeji stands there, breathing and staring intensely down at the floor. The dirty tiles start to spin before her eyes. Then another sound comes from her right. A strike of Déjà vu hits her and she once again turns to her right. This time, instead of meeting Ryujin’s serious face, she stares right into Jisu’s disbelieving eyes. With her mouth slightly open and brows furrowed Jisu crosses her arms in front of Yeji.

“What the hell just happened?” Jisu stares at Yeji as if she can’t believe her eyes.

Yeji doesn’t know what to say really. She hardly knows herself, doesn’t want to think about it.

“We need to talk.” Jisu states and grabs Yeji’s wrist. She uses the same words that Ryujin uttered earlier, and this time Yeji has no power to resist them. Without any further do Jisu leads them away from their lockers. The world is still spinning around before Yeji’s eyes, and even though walking doesn’t really help the case, she is grateful that she has someone to lean on. Jisu continues walking until they stand in front of a restroom. Determined Jisu opens the door and with a firm looking face she encourages Yeji to step inside. Still with a mind blurred by emotions Yeji does as she is ordered. As soon as she has entered Jisu quickly locks the door behind her.

“Sit down.” She says and points to the closed toilet seat. Once again Yeji does as she is told, anything else is beyond her current abilities. As she sits down a silence embraces them, only making room for their breathings to fill the void. The last time Yeji was locked in a bathroom with someone was with Ryujin, then their lips had met each other’s and Yeji had gotten to feel her soft skin against hers. There had been many times like that, where they had been close, both physically and mentally. Ryujin had really understood her, but she had also turned her into this person, indirectly making her feel all this pain. Therefore it had been impossible to keep Ryujin close to her. She had to let her go.

With her arms positioned on her hips and a continuous stern looking face Jisu speaks up.

“Now, Hwang Yeji, you’re the one telling me what’s going on.” Jisu says in a firm tone. “And don’t lie to me. I’m neither blind nor deaf, I can tell there is something and that it has been going on for a while.”

Then it all bursts. Yeji can’t hold back her tears anymore. The emotional train crashes and breaks the wall keeping her actions in control. She starts wailing like a child that has been left by its parent, a dog abandoned by its owner, a lover who just lost their beloved. Jisu’s firm look and posture is quickly changed once the tears start falling. Instead she bends down to embrace Yeji in a warm and comforting hug, rocking her from side to side while mumbling calming words in her ear.

“So, so, if you tell me about what’s troubling you, then we can sort it out together.” Jisu says while holding Yeji tight. Yeji wipes her tears away and tries to take a deep breath. Perhaps she’s right, perhaps this is the time where she opens up to someone about the situation. Jisu is her best friend after all, and a best friend is someone one should be able to trust.

Yeji breathes in. “You have to promise me not to tell anyone else. “

Jisu nods seriously. “I promise.”

“Especially not my parents.”

“Of course.”

Then the words come out of her like birds fleeing for their life, impossible to stop. Jisu gets no chance to throw in any comments or questions. The rain of words is showering them both, yet Jisu stands there unbothered by the cold that follows. She can handle it, nods at the right places and looks at Yeji with just the right amount of compassion in her eyes. When Yeji finally stops Jisu inhales deeply and squats down so that her face is on a level below Yeji’s.

She lets her hand comfortingly caress Yeji’s when opening her mouth to give a response.

“Do you want to hear my honest opinion?”

Yeji nods, preparing for whatever strike that may come. It would anyways just be one of many.

“I think your parents are doing wrong. There are lots of queer people out there living a good life, being good people. One’s romantic or sexual preferences doesn’t change one’s personality. It doesn’t make you worth any less. You’re still Yeji, and they should love you for who you are.” Jisu looks Yeji in the eyes and gives her some time to process the words. Yeji just shakes her head while hiding her face in her hands. She takes a deep breath before answering.

“Ever since I met Ryujin my life has been like an emotional rollercoaster, destined to crash and burn sooner or later. Now that has happened, and I have to live with the pain it causes. Since Ryujin only reminds me of the crash it’s impossible to heal from it with her in my life. Therefore I told her to leave me alone.”

“Wow, I didn’t know you could be that poetic.” Jisu mumbles in surprise and Yeji gives her a weird look. “Sorry.” She waves with her hand in the air, immediately turning serious again. “You must have been thinking a lot about this.”

Yeji nods. “That’s the problem, it only makes me feel worse. If I manage to forget about it, then I won’t feel this bad anymore. I need to move on, go back to the Yeji I was before. Hopefully the therapy my parents have booked for me can help with that.”

“They booked you a session with a therapist?”

“I don’t know what profession the person has. All I know is that the person works with treating homosexual behaviors and thoughts.”

Jisu makes big eyes and inhales slowly before breathing out, as if to calm herself down.

“Conversion therapy, do you really believe that will work? That it’ll make your life easier?”

“It must, I have no other choice than to believe so.”

Yeji wipes away the last of her tears and throws a glance at the clock on her phone. The lesson started 10 minutes ago! Yeji raises from her seat. She’ll gladly occupy her mind with anything that is not related to this mess.

“Are you leaving?” Jisu asks, still sitting down.

“We have a lesson to attend.”

“But-“

“Thank you for listening to me.” Yeji interrupts and puts her hand on the door handle. She turns towards her friend and smiles. She knows Jisu only wants her best, but sometimes they have different ways to view the world. This time Yeji has to listen to herself, especially right now when her mind is full of the last days events. There is simply no room for any other information.


	25. BETTER

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeji spends some quality time with her twin brother.

Yeji walks through the rest of the week as in a fog. The unclear sight makes her weak for sudden attacks by the lingering pain and at times she finds herself broken down into tears. When her parents ask her about school she can’t remember the day. The fog has taken away her ability to remember her surroundings, forcing her into her own dark mind.

Then slowly, Sunday evening arrives. Tomorrow Yeji will leave earlier from school to go see the therapist. During these last days Jisu has made several attempts to talk with Yeji about her situation, but Yeji had continuously come up with the same type of answers:

“Not now” and “I’ve already made up my mind”.

The last day it even went so far the she tried to avoid Jisu the whole day. Her questions only reminded her of the burning pain she holds, the one thing she is trying to get rid of.

Now she is preparing for going to bed, changing into her silk pajamas and pulling down the blinders. Only her bedside lamp is lighting up the room. Soon enough also that will be turned off and Yeji will be surrounded by complete darkness, and she hates it. When there is no sound, no light and Yeji has nothing for her hands her thoughts grow stronger, hits her harder and goes deeper. The pain increases in size and power as Yeji is left without protection from outer distractions. Her mind goes to Ryujin, Hanguk, her parents and then back around. The pain originates from multiple events, several people and are of different sorts. The pain caused by her parents comes from their clear disapproval of her life choices and their harsh conditions for once again taking her to their heart. The pain caused by Hanguk comes from his unpredictable nature and crazy actions targeting not only her but also his ex-girlfriend and indirectly Yeji’s whole family. Last but not least the pain caused by Ryujin comes from the heartbreaking knowledge of that they can’t be together, not as friends nor as lovers. All this mix together and causes Yeji’s mind to go insane.

As she slides down under her blanket and the darkness embraces her, she realizes that she won’t get any good night’s sleep this time either. Ryujin, Hanguk, parents. It physically hurts in her stomach, in her limbs and in her heart. The mold of sorrow never seems to decrease in size. Yeji turns around in her bed, hugging one of her pillows tightly. She sighs loudly as the memory of her first sleep over at Ryujin’s crawls back up to her mind. Ryujin had thrown a pillow at her, meant for her to sleep on. Not too long after that they had made out in the bed and Yeji had cried in Ryujin’s arms. In the morning Ryujin’s brother had busted in and scared Yeji awake. During breakfast Yeji had met the rest of Ryujin’s family. Yeji smiles for herself when reminiscing how they had a little fight because Ryujin didn’t want to answer why she never told Yeji about her dancing experiences. In the end it was all about Ryujin’s self-confidence and her fear of being looked down upon. She showed Yeji that she too is human and Yeji felt it brought them closer. After that they really started to spend a lot of time together, several days every week. It was wonderful meetings. In Yeji’s weakest moment she goes back to the memories from then, relives them and once again takes part of the joy she felt back then. Afterwards she hates herself. Because those thoughts are what’s keeping her from ever becoming a part of the family again. Therefore the therapy session tomorrow is highly important. It must help.

After laying like this for a while Yeji throws a glance at the clock on her bedside table. It’s almost 12 o’clock, which means she’s been trying to fall asleep for over an hour. She sighs loudly, almost grunting, and presses her face against the pillow. Then she hears a sound coming from the hallway outside of her room. Footsteps can be heard passing by and then the sound of a door closing. If Yeji doesn’t mistake herself it must have been her brother, which means he’s still awake. How is he holding up after the recent events? Yeji has barely talked to him since she spent most of her time alone in her room. He too must feel something. Perhaps Yeji should go and talk to him? Because those steps passing by were no steps of a tired person.

It takes only a few seconds before Yeji has made up her mind and carefully leaves the warmth of her bed to sneak out into the hallway. Quietly she approaches her brother’s bedroom door but then hesitates. Should she knock or will the noise awake her parents? Should she instead just open it but risk interfering with her twin’s privacy?

Just as she contemplates the questions the door suddenly opens from the inside and she stares right into her brother’s eyes. He raises a little at his eyebrows.

“Eum…” Yeji starts without really knowing what to say. She begins picking with her fingers and lowers her gaze.

“You wanna come in?” Hyunjin’s voice is soft and almost a bit worried. When Yeji raises her gaze to meet his eyes she feels the tears lurking. Cautiously she nods and he makes room for her to enter. The lightning is dull and when her brother has closed the door behind them it’s completely dark. She almost trips over something but eventually manages to find her way over to his bed. It’s cold, which means he couldn’t have spent any time in it yet. Yeji smiles for herself. Her brother has always been a night owl. How many nights hasn’t he stayed up to play games with his friends or study for an upcoming exam? It’s his prime time.

Yeji pulls her brother’s blanket over her legs and leans against the solid wall. Hyunjin crawls up beside her, sharing his body warmth under the covers. Imagine that they once used to be close like this all the time, both before they saw the light of day but also when they were younger. Nowadays, especially these last few weeks, they seem to have started walking different paths in life. Yeji laughs quietly, earning her a questioning look from her brother.

“What’s so funny?” He asks.

“Nothing.” Yeji answers earnestly and sighs. Since her brother only continues to look at her without saying anything she speaks up again. “Not much have been funny since mom’s birthday party.” Yeji feels her brother's body tense up and notices how his face becomes utterly serious and almost a bit sad. “Also, it feels like we’ve drifted apart. Did you even know about me and Ryujin?”

She turns her head and looks at her brother with slightly teary eyes. He shakes his head.

“Precisely, and when that guy Jisung came the other week and started talking about drinking alcohol, I realized just how little I know about your whereabouts as well.”

“We don’t usually drink alcohol.” Hyunjin defends himself, a bit bluntly, looking like a kid being caught red handed with the hand in the cookie jar.

“You don’t have to worry.” Yeji smiles, feeling how the thick air loses up around them. “I don’t kiss and tell.”

“I know,” Hyunjin sighs and his shoulders sink. “You’ve never ratted me out before.”

Yeji jokingly elbows her brother. “That’s because you’ve never done anything bad.”

Hyunjin sighs as Yeji laughs at him, but then he quickly becomes serious again.

“Speaking about ratting out, I’ve been thinking about the video. Who recorded it?”

Yeji’s smile dies off in a second and is replaced by a feeling of pure hate. “Shin Hanguk. I saw him with a phone outside the window of Ryujin’s mother’s house. It could have been no one else, no one else is as sick as him and would go through with an idea like that.”

Hyunjin nods seriously. “Why do you think he did it?”

“I don’t know, because he hates us? Or he hates Ryujin, because he did point her out as the wolf and me as the sheep, if you know what I mean, and I guess it worked. When mom and dad took me aside during the party they only spoke badly about Ryujin, I was spared. All the strict rules are to keep me from being effected any further, that's the only way for me to turn normal again.”

“Normal?” Hyunjin asks.

“Yes, you know, not liking girls.” Yeji sighs heavily.

“Do you really want that?”

“I must, that’s the only way to make this pain go away.”

“Are you sure?” Hyunjin stares at his sister. Why is he questioning her this much? What’s his point?

“I need this pain to go away. I can’t live with it.” Yeji says as her eyes starts to tear up again.

“But there might be other ways,” Hyunjin says. “Have you ever thought of that?”

“Of course I have, but there are no other alternatives.” Yeji snorts, feeling a fire starting to burn inside of her. Who is he to tell her what to do? Yeji has turned herself upside down with all the hours she has spent thinking of how to survive this. Yet here comes her brother and casually asks her the most basic and obvious questions.

“Are you sure?”

“Hyunjin!” Yeji exclaims with the irritation lingering right behind her thin walls called self-control. “What do you want me to answer? I have no other answer.”

“But I might have one.”

They both fall silent after the uttered words. When Yeji looks at him with a questioning face he starts speaking again.

“You mentioned Jisung earlier.”

“Yes?” Yeji encourages him to continue, wherever he wants to take this now.

“He is one of my new friends, along with this guy named Changbin.”

Yeji raises her eyebrows. She has never heard of him before. The feeling of irritation is suddenly gone and replaced by the melancholic fact that the twins have lived their lives separate from each other these past weeks. How could it turn out like this?

Yeji reaches for her brother’s hand and he looks at her in surprise. “I’m sorry,” She whispers and blinks with her eyes to keep them dry. “Continue.”

Hyunjin hesitates for a few seconds but then seems to make up his mind. “Jisung and Changbin were both at Minho’s gathering last weekend, and I kind of walked in on them.”

“What do you mean?” Yeji looks suspiciously at him, kind of getting where he’s going with this.

“You know what I mean.” Hyunjin answers a bit flustered. “They had…”

“Sex?”

Hyunjin nods. “They are in a relationship, officially, public, call it whatever but they are dating openly. Even though it took me several weeks before I understood that.”

Yeji stares at her brother with wide open eyes. Dating a person of the same gender, openly? Yeji has never known anyone that has done so ever before. Of course she has heard about relationships like that, but never has she actually had any of them even slightly close to her. She has never seen it with her own eyes.

“I just wanted to tell you that there are possibilities to continue with Ryujin.”

As Yeji hears the forbidden name being uttered her tears breaks through and slowly starts falling down her cheeks. If Hyunjin only knew how much she would want that. If he knew how much her heart is aching to have Ryujin next to her, talk with her, touch her, love her. Then he would understand how much energy and effort it takes to keep all those thoughts, emotions and urges in place. It’s all Yeji can focus on.

“Well, perhaps there are possibilities.” Yeji sobs and wipes a tear away with her right hand. “But not in this family.”

Hyunjin presses his lips together, almost as if he wants to protest but doesn’t find any words. He knows it’s true, what she just said. In this house there are only two people setting the rules, the parents, and that in every area of the inhabitants’ life, even their sexual and romantic lives. The truth is harsh, but what can Yeji do about it? What can she really do about it?


	26. Fake & True

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeji at the therapy session.

The following day Yeji finds herself entering the therapist’s room. It’s located in an old house in a part of town that Yeji rarely has visited. The walls are filled with paintings with thick elaborate golden frames and on the floor there is one big extravagant carpet. It’s almost like entering an old snobby Victorian salon.

“Have a seat.” The therapist says and makes a sweeping gesture towards an oversized green armchair. What is this place? It’s like being in a museum. The himself looks like something out of an old painting, with small round glasses on the nose and a stiff posture.

“So, tell me,” The therapist continues where he sits on a wooden chair in front of Yeji. “Why are we here today?” He looks at her through his tiny binoculars. Why is he asking her that? Doesn’t he know? Or does he just want to hear her say it, put the words in her own mouth?

Yeji inhales deeply before answering. “To make me normal.”

“Which means?” He looks encouraging at her.

“Make me stop liking girls?” When uttering the words Yeji suddenly doesn’t feel as sure anymore. Is she really not normal who likes girls? Sure, most women she knows are attracted to men and the majority is often the normal, but does everyone really have to be the same?

No matter Yeji’s thoughts the therapist nods and smiles proudly. “You have now taken the first step of leaving the unnatural habits and thoughts behind. You should know that you have made the right decision. Only by living with a partner from the other gender one can be truly happy, because that is the only natural way. Nature has created man and woman to live as one. Only that way can the human race survive and prosper.”

Yeji inhales once again, this time to shove down all the emotion the therapist's words has stirred up in her. Is it really true? That one can only be happy with a partner of the other gender? But what about all the joy Ryujin has sent her during their times together? Was that unnatural happiness? It was pure happiness nonetheless so why shouldn’t it count? And so what if only a man and woman can create a child. No one has said there has to be love involved to make babies. Ryujin and her brother were born from two people who were not in love. As long as the parents are on good terms and take their responsibility over the child then that should be an accepted way of living as well, shouldn’t it?

The therapist leans forward in his chair. He lowers the notebook in his hands and thus catches Yeji's attention again. With slightly furrowed brows she listens to his words.

“Your parents have told me a bit about you, but I thought you might tell me about yourself.” He looks at her with an annoyingly encouraging face.

“Well, what do you want to know?” Yeji crosses her arms over her chest.

“Tell me about yourself.”

“Yes, but what do you want to know?” Yeji sighs. She hates these types of questions. Who is she? Good question. The only thing she does know is that she doesn’t know. So how is she expected to answer this stupid therapist’s ridiculous questions.

“Okay, we may try starting in another end. Tell me about how you realized you weren’t like others.”

“What do you mean? That I liked girls?” Yeji raises her eyebrows and the therapist nods at her. “Well, I don’t know where it really started but I know when the realization hit me for real.”

“And when was that?”

“After spending an afternoon cooking with this girl.”

“And how did it feel then?”

Yeji hesitates. Should she really tell a stranger about her most private and inner feelings? Has this old man any right to know? Well, if he is going to help her overcome this pain she might actually have to share it. Unfortunately.

“I was drained of energy, physically I mean, because my mind was clearly awake. I couldn’t stop thinking about the feelings she had made me feel. It was like she sent electricity throughout my body. Everything was so new and confusing.”

The therapist nods as he once again writes something down in his notebook. “I see, did you ever feel bad about it?”

“Of course, I knew I could never live like that.”

“That’s a great start. Have you ever let go of that thought?”

“That I could never live with liking girls?” Yeji looks questioningly at the therapist and he nods affirmingly. “No, not completely. It has always been lingering in the back of my mind, no matter how far I went.”

“How far have you gone?”

Yeji stares at him in chock but reminds herself that she has to answer his questions for the pain to disappear. Just take a deep breath. No one said this was going to be easy. “We have kissed a couple of times.”

“Nothing more?”

“Just touching.”

He nods smilingly. “That’s great. It seems that you haven’t gone too far away from the normality. I’m sure we will be able to fix you.”

Fix her? Like she is some sort of object. This man really needs to watch his vocabulary if he wants to build an alliance with Yeji.

Before she gets the chance to continue her thoughts the man speaks up again. “Now we’ll do a little exercise. I want you to close your eyes and picture the two of you together.”

Yeji does as she is told. The picture of the blond Ryujin appears in her mind, smiling mischievously at her. It makes Yeji’s heart skip a beat and raises her pulse.

“And now I want you to go back in time and replay your last kiss.”

In Yeji’s mind Ryujin leans closer and smacks a wet kiss on her lips and Yeji answers by pulling Ryujin closer. She remembers the feeling of entering heaven and being surrounded by only the good in life. The touch had sent lustful waves through her body and made it live a life of its own. If Yeji had the bravery and if the timing was better Yeji might have unzipped that green dress and thrown it across the room. She remembers the feeling so strongly.

“And now,” The therapist continues. “I want you to replace her with a man. Imagine yourself a handsome young man.”

Slowly the picture of Ryujin fades away and instead of looking into Ryujin’s safe eyes she is now staring right into Hanguk’s gaze from hell. It scares her and makes her instinctively open her eyes.

The therapist smiles at her. “It’s okay, try again.”

Little does he know that she just envisioned the man she hates to most, the man who indirectly forced her to come here. But sure, she can give it another try, because what other alternatives does she have?

This time she tries to envision herself with a conventionally attractive man. He leans closer towards her with his overly muscular body and pouts with his dry lips. When they meet her’s she feels his stubble itching against her skin. The heated waves she felt before dies of in a second. In her mind she pushes him away from her and stares at him with a disgusted face. Now that’s better, put him where he belongs, at a safe distance.

“How does that feel?” The therapist asks curiously.

“Not good.” Yeji answers truthfully.

“What was the difference in your feelings?”

“The man made me feel disgusted and she,” Yeji hesitates, thinking hard of how to describe it. “She made me feel at home, relaxed, safe. I felt good with myself.”

“That’s just how we are going to make you feel when you think of men. We are going to swap the thoughts, starting from today. It may take some time but it will be worth it. We will turn you back into normal, you just got to believe in it. Then I can guarantee that you will succeed.” The therapist smiles once again and presses his binoculars higher up on his nose. Yeji stares at him. Believe in it. Does Yeji really believe that it is possible to change? Does she believe that she must change? After the conversation with her brother last night she is not so sure. If others can live openly as queer, why wouldn’t Yeji be able to do so as well? Other parents accept, respect and even love their queer children. Why can’t Yeji’s parents do the same?

The thought awakens a burning rage inside of her. How can they do this to her? They keep deflecting the truth, pushing it away. Instead of accepting the truth they are trying to build some fake shell around it and thus forcing Yeji into a role she can never play. This therapy session is only one of many examples, restricting her from seeing girls another and not letting her walk around freely a third. It’s not fair and most definitely doesn’t relief the pain inside of her. Now when the option of turning back into her old self is eliminated, it leaves her with only one solution to this pain. That is being with Ryujin. Yeji’s heart is screaming for its second half, its lost piece. Only when they are together her heart stops aching, only then it’s hole, only then she is relieved from the pain. She must find a way to have Ryujin close again. It doesn’t matter if she has to hide it from her parents. She can put up a play, pretend she is the old version of herself, anything to regain her freedom and thus making room for Ryujin in her life again. That is if Ryujin even wants to be with her after Yeji so harshly told her to stay away.

A lump of worry takes its form inside of her. She must speak with Ryujin. Tell her that she was wrong, that she regrets saying those words. Ryujin deserves to be treated better. After all she was there for Yeji when the tears overflowed her and gifted her the most precious feeling in the world, love. Yet Yeji coldly dissed her and told her she never wanted to see her again. How could she be so stupid? No, Yeji has to take back her words, prove to Ryujin that she is sorry. It doesn’t matter what this old man of a therapist says. Yeji might not be normal, but that’s okay. Not everyone are the same. Now it’s up to her to fix her life, make her own choices, starting with getting Ryujin back on her side again.


	27. STAY BY MY SIDE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeji goes to find her special someone.

The morning after the therapy session Yeji looks herself in the mirror with a blurry gaze. It had taken several hours for her to fall asleep last night. Her thoughts had kept her awake far past midnight. If Yeji did not have dark rings under her eyes earlier, she most certainly has now. As her eyes slowly gets used to the bright light of the bathroom she sees the rings clearly. She will need more make-up than usual to cover those up. She better hurry if she wants to find Ryujin before the first lesson of the day starts.

As usual she opens the bathroom storage to grab her bag of make-up, but then it hits her. An old conversation from the devastating day makes itself reminded. Ryujin had questioned Yeji’s need for make-up. But was it ever really Yeji’s need? Or was it actually just something she did without any reason? Just because others expected her to?

A feeling grows strong inside of her as she raises her gaze and once again meets her reflection in the mirror. No, she’s not going to wear any make-up today. She’s making her own choices from now on, starting with this.

With a loud thud she pushes her bag of make-up back into the storage and closes the door with a slam. She starts brushing her hair and decides to put it in a high ponytail. As she is in the middle of her work she can hear footsteps approaching from the corridor and a few seconds later her brother steps inside.

“What are you doing in here?” He asks with a questioning, yet a bit worried, face.

Yeji turns to him with the brush in her hand. “Nothing.”

“It almost sounded like you were upset.” He continues carefully, as if entering a minefield. Yeji feels her heart warm up and she lowers her brush. With slightly teary eyes and a compassionate smile she answers her brother. “You don’t have to worry about me. I only decided to go without make-up.”

“Okay.” Hyunjin says slowly while making a confused face. However, Yeji has no intention of explaining herself to him. Not now when she’s in the middle of her morning routine. Instead she exits the bathroom to go change clothes. She can feel her brother’s gaze upon her but cares nothing of it. Her mind is already occupied with more important matters, how she will bring Ryujin back into her life again. 

With that in mind she finishes the last preparations and leaves to take the bus to school. Her brother joins her side but doesn’t say much. Perhaps he too has something energy consuming on his mind, or perhaps he’s just tired.

When the bus arrives at school the twins tag along as they walk into the building. Just like any other morning they set track for their lockers. This time however Yeji hurries to sort her things out. When she after already a minute has closed her locker she earns herself a questioning look from her brother.

“Why in such a hurry?” He asks questioningly. 

With her bag hanging over her right shoulder she stops, feeling her heart beat a little faster. Can she really tell him the reason for her rushed movements? How will he react if she tells him?

After a few seconds of silence, she decides to turn around and face her brother. Perhaps it wouldn’t hurt to tell him about her plans, perhaps he can even help, or in the very least support her decision.

“I made up my mind yesterday, during the therapy session.” She takes a few steps closer so that he can hear her whispering. “I have decided to stay true to myself, I’m not going to change because mom and dad wants me to. I wanna be me.”

She takes a step back and notices how Hyunjin’s eyes starts to tear up. Then he surprises her, by pulling her into a tight hug.

“You’re choking me.” Yeji laughs jokingly, feeling a stroke of relief run through her. Now she has said it out loud, mentioned her decision, and her brother did not protest.

“I’m sorry,” Hyunjin says after he has let go of her. “It’s just a very emotional time now. Mom and dad make it so hard for us.” He pauses, seemingly at loss for words to ad. When looking into his eyes Yeji can see the underlying pain that he is carrying. He too must have been affected by all the events. It can’t be easy for him either. 

“Mom and dad sure make it hard for us,” Yeji answers her brother. “So please don’t tell them about my choice. I was thinking of hiding it from them until we finish high school.”

Hyunjin raises his eyebrows. “But that’s almost two years. Can you really do that?”

Yeji shrugs, while trying to keep her face free from the worry that keep growing inside of her. “I have no other choice, you know how they are. I mean look at the consequences they have already given me. My plan is to pretend I have changed and thus making them trust me again, so that I once again can live a free life.”

“Do you think it will work?”

“It must,” Yeji looks at her brother with determined eyes and he nods. “Now I’m gonna go find Ryujin and apologize to her.”

“Apologize?”

“Yes, I just might have shouted in her face that I never wanted to see her again.” Yeji fakes a laugh. The wind of regret has started blowing again, growing stronger the further her thoughts about the incident goes. Ryujin didn’t deserve to be treated like that. All she wanted was to ease the burdens laid upon Yeji’s shoulders. Yet Yeji had blown her off, cut the wire between them. But is it really completely cut off? Or is it possible for her to restore it?

Hyunjin looks at his sister with pity in his eyes. “I hope you can make it up to her.”

“Me too.” Yeji swallows and does her best to smile optimistically. “Wish me good luck.”

“Good luck.”

With those words from her brother Yeji turns around and starts walking towards the corridor where Ryujin has her locker. She must find Ryujin and talk to her. No way she’s going to accept any other outcome.

When Yeji reaches the corridor, she notices that Ryujin is not conveniently standing at her locker. With a heavy sigh Yeji therefore decides to sit down on one of the benches to wait for her. Her bag slips down to the floor and her hands lay restless in her lap when watching student after student go up to their respective lockers. Every new face appearing sends her heart racing at double pace, makes her nerves crumble under the sudden and intense tension. One of the students will be Ryujin and Yeji has to be prepared to approach her.

Then suddenly, side by side with Jeongin and two other guys, Ryujin enters Yeji’s view. She too is, as usual, without make up and she wears her white beanie over her blond hair. The guys are laughing loudly around her while she remains quiet and calm. Now Yeji has her chance.

With a racing heart she stands up, ready to walk up to Ryujin. Her legs are trembling slightly as she approaches the group of four. The boys are all much taller than Ryujin and she is almost completely covered by them. The physical human wall is putting pressure on Yeji’s trembling nerves. This is not how she envisioned it. Ryujin was going to be alone and approachable, not hidden away like some kidnapped princess in a tower. However, it’s her duty to surpass this wall. If she can’t climb the tower, she has to look for alternative ways. No goal has only one route to take.

Yeji therefore rounds the three laughing men and approaches Ryujin from her right side, where she has her locker door opened, covering her face. As a way of making contact Yeji knocks on the hard surface. The metallic sound seems to frighten Ryujin as she jumps in her spot and quickly turns around towards Yeji. Her eyes are wide as the full moon and over her face lays an expression of pure annoyance. It makes Yeji shrink in size where she is standing but doesn’t make her move in the slightest, she is determined to go through with her plan. She didn’t stay up all night, coming up with possible scenarios, just to back out now.

Yeji looks at Ryujin with a serious face and does her best to keep a calm façade beside her racing heartbeat.

“We need to talk.” Yeji says as firmly as she can.

Ryujin just stares at her without saying anything. With her eyes still locked at Yeji she slams the door shut. To Yeji’s surprise the loud noise doesn’t seem to break through the surrounding laughter and chit chat. Only she and Yeji seems to take any notice of it, as if they’re in their own bubble. With her intense gaze she stares at Yeji.

“Why?” Ryujin’s voice is unsteady and she turns her head away, not able to keep the eye contact.

“I think you know why.” Yeji says in a firm tone. She must get Ryujin to listen to her, must clear this up.

“I have a lesson.” Ryujin mumbles and pushes herself through the crowd, bumping into Yeji in the meantime. The sudden touch sends a rush through Yeji that freezes her body, disables her from moving. With an increasing breathing she stands there, watching Ryujin disappear through the corridor. Damn it! This was not according to plan. Ryujin was supposed to gladly follow her to a separate room and clear this mess up. Now Ryujin didn’t even want to speak with her. What is Yeji going to do now?

With a mind filled of shattered thoughts she remains still, staring into the void in front of her. An emptiness suddenly comes over her. She really did not have a plan B, even though she stayed up late to figure this one out. Is she really such a failure that she can’t even come up with an emergency backup plan? Is this where it ends? Will she have to deal with the pain all by herself anyways? 

“So where do you have your brother, Yeji?” Jeongin’s voice cracks through her troubled mind. She shakes her head slightly and turns towards him, the other boys are still teasing each other in the background. Jeongin has a friendly but serious face. Could he possibly have heard the conversation? Seen how Ryujin almost stormed off?

“Uh,” She starts, still not completely back into reality. “I don’t know.” A fake smile spreads over her face and she lays her head to the side, trying to pretend that everything is completely fine, even though the second piece of her heart just walked away, not wanting to see her.

Jeongin smiles and they keep staring at each other for a few seconds. The muscles in Yeji’s face starts to cramp and she is forced to let her smile fall.

“Ehum, I need to go to my lesson now.” She says slowly and points in the direction of her classroom. Jeongin nods while continuing to smile. Yeji takes a step back before turning around and with quick movements leave the noisy group of boys behind her.

When the lesson starts Yeji has a hard time focusing on the assignment. Instead her mind is set on how to make Ryujin speak with her. She can’t give up, must come up with a second plan. When will she have the opportunity to meet Ryujin again? That is unsure. Well, if she doesn’t know then she will have to create the opportunity herself.

In the middle of the lesson Yeji excuses herself and leaves for the bathroom. While in there she picks up her phone and searches in the school app for the different classes schedules. Luckily enough Yeji remembers what classes Ryujin is taking and can by that figure out where she is going to have her last class. If she catches her there Ryujin will have no reason to run away from her. Yes, that’s what she’s going to aim for.

Determined she goes back into the classroom. When sitting down at her spot she locks eyes with Jisu who looks at her in surprise.

“You seem happy.” She whispers while continuing to look at her, now more in suspicion than anything.

“I have a plan.” Yeji leans closer to make Jisu hear her small words better. “I can tell you tonight, if you are free?”

“Sure.” Jisu nods, sill looking at her with a questioning face. “I have no idea what you are talking about but a plan sounds great.”

Yeji smiles and then ends the conversation by facing her work again. The day then proceeds smoothly. When Yeji’s last class finishes she finds her way over to Ryujin’s classroom. Luckily Ryujin’s class ends after Yeji’s and therefore she can wait outside to catch Ryujin when she leaves. Impatiently she leans against the cold wall and exhales deeply. She moves her right foot in a circle, then her left and then her right foot again. Is the class never going to end? As her mind goes off the classroom door opens. A stream of students exits the room, chatting lively with each other. Now she has her chance, she must find Ryujin in the flood of people.

Her gaze wanders from head-to-head. Too tall, brunette, wrong face. Where is she? Then, there, in the midst of the crowd, she sees the blonde, walking with her head tilted down towards what she’s carrying. Yeji’s pulse raises like a jet. Now it’s her chance!

In a hurry Yeji presses herself into the stream of people. She doesn’t care about the others, in her view there is only one person existing. Desperately she grabs a hold of Ryujin’s arm. Her grip is powerful and forces Ryujin’s arm to straighten and thus loosing it’s hold onto the stuff. It also manages to turn Ryujin around and in that very movement the books and computer falls to the floor with a loud thud.

“What the!” Ryujin exclaims in a chocked tone. With an upset expression she stares at the mess on the floor, then quickly redirects her gaze towards her arm before finally landing her eyes on Yeji. Her expression is unique, uniquely scary. Only Ryujin has the ability to stare at someone with such intensity and make it seem legitimate and not insane.

“We must talk.” Yeji says. The surrounding students’ voices fade away as they leave the corridor behind, seemingly without taking any notice of the ongoing event. Ryujin throws quick glances around her, as if to check if anyone still there. When realizing so is not the case her posture relaxes. Her crooked brows go back into their natural position and she nods, still with the intense gaze. Finally! Yeji almost jumps out of pure joy over having crossed the first line.

“Great!” She exclaims and bends down, feeling her body relieved from the earlier tension. “I’ll carry your stuff.”

“No.” Ryujin says in a firm tone with her gaze directed towards Yeji. “I’ll carry them.” She bends down herself to gather her disarranged stuff. Yeji stares at Ryujin’s fingers quickly sorting the books and computer into a pile. She remembers having the very same fingers playing with her hair, caressing her cheek and wandering all over her body. Now they are so close yet so far away. She must make this work between them, she just has to.

Yeji stands up again, and watches Ryujin do the same with a tight grip on her stuff. The blonde hair falls back towards her face, framing it as prettily as always. As they lock eyes Yeji notices Ryujin’s gaze shift, suddenly her eyes are blank. Ryujin takes a hasty step back and turns away. She tilts her head backwards before speaking.

“If you want to have a talk then let’s go somewhere private.”

“Sure.” Yeji answers and starts following her down the corridor. Not a single time Ryujin turns around to check if Yeji has her back. On the other hand, that isn’t necessary because Yeji is more eager to keep her pace than ever.

Ryujin makes a few turns until they stand in front of a group room. She opens the door and enters. Still with her back turned against Yeji she speaks up.

“Press the occupied button and close the door.” The words sound more like an order, but Yeji doesn’t mind.

“Yes.” Yeji follows the directive while sorting her words in her mind. How is she going to bring the topic up? Should she weigh her words on a scale of gold or should she just let them slip without a plan?

Yeji inhales deeply to fill her blood with all the oxygen it needs to go through with step two, expressing her regret. “Ryujin I-, “ She starts but is interrupted by Ryujin.

“I thought you never wanted to see me again.” Her voice is cold and so is the look on her face. She seems to have put on a mask of steel on the way to the room. Earlier Yeji has only seen her equipped with a sword, attacking. Now she is standing her without a weapon and thus a shield seems to be her only way to survive the battle. But is this really going to be a battle? That’s not Yeji’s intention at least. She has come unarmed and has to make sure Ryujin understands that.

“I know I said that, but it was a stupid mistake.” Yeji answers and is immediately met by Ryujin’s sharp words.

“You told me I was a mistake.”

“I know, I know, and I’m sorry. I didn’t really mean it. I don’t know what I was thinking then.”

“There are not many things you seem to know.”

Yeji feels the words scarring her heart. “I know.” She says, lowering both her head and gaze. In the corner of her eyes Yeji notices how Ryujin turns her head and keeps her gaze directed at her. But Yeji doesn’t dare to look into her eyes, fearing that they will tell her something she doesn’t want to hear.

As none of them speaks up the silence finds its way around them, expanding in the small room, making it hard for Yeji to keep her thoughts on board. Should she say something? Then what is she supposed to say? Or is it better to wait for Ryujin to speak up?

The intensified flow of thoughts also intensifies her breathing and makes her heart beat faster. Dear what is she going to do now? However, she doesn’t have to decide since Ryujin speaks up.

“The last few days have been chaotic to say the least.” Ryujin’s voice is suddenly much softer, much more like her usual self, the Ryujin that comforted Yeji during all her breakdowns and supported her unconditionally. The softness sends Yeji the comfort she needs to dare raising her gaze and meet Ryujin’s eyes. When looking at Ryujin’s face she gets it confirmed. Over her lips there is a smile and in her eyes the light of her golden heart shines through.

Yeji laughs in relief. “Since the party I have changed my identity not only once but twice.”

“What do you mean?”

“At first, I decided to go back to my old self. I was trying to forget you and everything that happened between us.”

Ryujin snorts and rolls her eyes upon hearing the words, almost looking a bit offended.

“I agree, the idea was stupid, but I didn’t know better then. I so desperately wanted to believe it was possible. I wanted everything to turn back to the way they were, back to when nothing was complicated. However, as time went by, I realized it was never going to work.” Yeji feels the tears drawing closer to the edge and she forces herself to take a deep breath to prevent them from falling.

“It was too late for me to turn back, I had already changed too much. I knew what was out there and living without it just didn’t make me feel good, rather the opposite.”

Ryujin stares with a confused face at Yeji. “And the result is?”

“I want to live my life in my own way, not how my parents want me to.”

Ryujin nods seriously. “Good decision.”

“Still, I can’t tell my parents about that. I will have to pretend I have changed back into their old daughter without any interest in girls. Otherwise my life will be too troublesome, they will make it troublesome. You see after the party they made up restrictions for me, and the only way to make them disappear is by acting like they want me to, pretend to be their perfect daughter.”

“I see.” Ryujin bits her lip and looks with teary eyes at Yeji. Her underlip starts to tremble and her facial muscles are noticeably tense. Then she suddenly burst out into tears, sobbing and covering her face with her hands, as if the wall finally cracked and everything behind it is free to run. The sight sends a sting through Yeji’s body. Seeing the other piece of her crying like this makes her heart scream for its other half, wanting to be one with it, healing it. Without thinking Yeji raises from the chair she has been sitting on and rounds the table. With extended arms she meets Ryujin and embraces her trembling body.

“I’m sorry.” Ryujin sobs. “You shouldn’t have to see me like this.”

“It’s okay, you have seen me crying plenty of times. Besides, it’s good to let out some steam, you’ve said it yourself.”

Ryujin laughs at Yeji’s words and releases herself from the hug. “Wise words, too bad it’s hard to act according to them.”

“I think you’re doing good right now.” Yeji smiles compassionately.

Ryujin wipes away the tears from her face, even though they silently continue falling down her wet cheeks. “I’m sorry I caused this upon you.”

“What are you talking about?” Yeji looks at her in confusion, holding her at a slight distance.

“Because I knew Hanguk would do this, yet I never told you.”

What? She knew about Hanguk’s plans about exposing them? But how? And why?

Before the thoughts are running away any further Ryujin continues speaking. 

“Do you remember at the party when Hanguk wanted to talk with me alone? He then told me that if I didn’t stop seeing you and started dating him again he would expose us in front of the whole party.”

Yeji gasps loudly and puts a hand in front of her mouth. What a trash bag of a person. How could he do something like that? How could anyone? It’s blackmailing. If he really loved her and wanted her back then blackmailing is one of the last things he should do.

The hatred for Hanguk raises up again and rages inside of her. What an absolute piece of shit he is.

“I didn’t believe him,” Ryujin continues. “I thought it was just empty threats, but it seems I was wrong.” The tears stars flowing in a more intense stream and Yeji reaches out to embrace her again.

“I should have told you about his words.” Ryujin sobs into Yeji’s shoulder. “You deserved to know. Perhaps we could have acted against him together.”

“I don’t think there is anything we could have done.” Yeji replies. “Hanguk is crazy.”

As Ryujin’s tears intensifies once again Yeji holds her tighter and they stand like that for several long minutes. It feels good being able to stand strong when her loved one need someone to lean on. She knows herself how valuable it is when the inner world is chaos. Ryujin seems to appreciate it too as she doesn’t turn away. Holding her this close is filling Yeji with all the energy she needs to continue living her life in disguise. She must have Ryujin to fill her up every now and then, otherwise she will shrink and die, just like a flower without its sun and water. She must have her by her side to flourish.

“Ryujin, could you tell me something.” Yeji says after having taken a deep breath, preparing for the big question that she must get an answer to.

“Yes?” Ryujin answers, wiping away the last tears from her eyes.

“Will you continue to be in my life, be with me?”

A big happy smile spreads over Ryujin’s face and for the first time this day she lights up. With her sleek hands she cups Yeji’s face. “Of course I will.” And with those heartwarming words Ryujin bends forward and lets her lips meet Yeji’s in a soft kiss. Dear, Yeji would walk through fire for this girl. She is so thankful she came into her life, and even more thankful that she wants to stay.


	28. Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeji does her best to manage a life in secret with her special someone.

Yeji and Ryujin continue to talk in school, because they can’t see each other at any other place since Yeji’s parents still har orders on her coming home right after school. Her parents are also checking her phone regularly so it’s hard to keep a conversation over the internet. Therefore Yeji has started longing for her time in school. Hyunjin, who has been asked by their parents to guard Yeji, is loyal to his sister and therefore lets her do whatever she feels like. Yeji is glad for that and can’t thank him enough for being on her side.

This Friday afternoon Yeji waits outside Ryujin’s classroom. The clock is slowly ticking towards the end of the lesson. Yeji has long ago stopped counting how many times she has lighten up the display on her phone to check how much longer she will have till wait until Ryujin finishes. Then finally the clicking sound from the door is heard and a stream of students exits through it. Yeji stands a few meters behind, leaning against the cold wall, watching them all create the slight chaos always coming up after Friday’s last lesson. The last student out before the teacher closes the door is her long-awaited Shin Ryujin. Just seeing her from afar makes Yeji’s heart beat faster. Ryujin has a look around, as usual with her books and computer tightly pressed against her chest. Her hair har grown longer since Yeji first saw her as a blond at the start of the semester and now it touches her shoulders. At the top of her head dark roots has shown themselves, however Ryujin doesn’t seem to really care. That is one of the things Yeji admires about Ryujin, she has such a relaxed attitude towards her own and other’s looks. It makes Yeji feel no pressure when set up for a meeting with her. Yeji can come as she naturally looks and Ryujin would neither care nor comment about it. Because Ryujin values other things, and to be honest Yeji is very thankful for that.

As the door closes behind her Ryujin turns in the correct direction to find Yeji. She grins widely when seeing her.

“Have you waited for long?” Ryujin winks with her eyes like a cute little puppy and Yeji can’t help but to laugh at her.

“No,” Yeji answers smiling and leans forward to whisper into Ryujin’s ear. “For you I could wait an eternity.”

Ryujin bursts out in a loud laughter and hits Yeji several times with her hand. “You cheesy girl!”

They laugh together and starts walking towards Ryujin’s locker. Their steps echo through the corridors as they make their way forward. When opening the locker Ryujin speaks up again.

“I was thinking of something.”

“Yes?” Yeji answers, looking at the wonderful person in front of her, feeling her heart swarm of love. In the midst of everything she is so lucky to have this girl in her life.

“You know I brought a bag with me to your mother’s party, I had my party outfit in it. I never took it with me when I left.”

“Right, it’s still in my room.”

“Yea, my dad would be happy to have it back.” Ryujin laughs as a sudden thought enters Yeji’s mind. She looks at Ryujin, who is busy putting down the computer in her bag.

“What if you follow me home and get it? My parents won’t be home until at least four o’clock.”

“Really?” Ryujin asks and looks at Yeji with a surprised face. She has a look around before continuing in a lower voice. “Aren’t you afraid of getting caught breaking the rules?”

“Of course I am, but I also want to spend time with you, and as you said, you need the bag.”

Ryujin smiles with eyes sparkling like evening stars. “What’s with you know days, such a flirt.”

Yeji bends forward and puts her finger over her mouth. With a firm look she faces Ryujin who smiles stiffly and nods as if she understands her mistake. Even though Yeji is willing to let Ryujin into her home they have to be careful in school. If a rumor about them starts going around it might reach her parents. They have to be especially careful with Hanguk. He has showcased that he is more than capable of destroying their relationship before and might want to do it again.

As they start walking out of school Yeji brings up the topic and proposes they pretend they don’t know each other. Ryujin doesn’t seem to buy it at first, stating that Hanguk will most definitely recognized her under any circumstance anywhere. Then an idea enters Yeji’s head and she takes of her hat and scarf.

“Here, put this on. They are big enough to cover most of your face.”

Ryujin takes of her own white beanie and covers herself in Yeji’s outwear while Yeji continues explaining her plan. “If you get off at the bus stop before me and walk the last part I’ll leave the front door open for you to just walk in. But don’t say anything, be quiet. You see my parents want me to video-call them immediately when I get home so I might be in a call with them.”

Ryujin raises her eyebrows but doesn’t say anything, instead she just nods agreeingly. With several meters apart they start wandering down to the bus stop like strangers. They follow the plan and Ryujin manages to enter through the front door just a minute after Yeji has hung up the video call.

“Is your brother at home?” Ryujin asks when having closed the door behind her.

“I don’t know.” Yeji answers and throws a glance at the hangers and shoe rack. “But it doesn’t matter, he won’t tell our parents if he notices you.”

“Such a good brother you have.” A heartwarming smile spreads over Ryujin’s face as she stands there with her hands in her jacket pockets. “Oh right,” She then says, suddenly realizing something. “I’ll give back your hat and scarf.”

“You can put it on the shelf.” Yeji weighs on her tip toes, suddenly feeling butterflies swarming inside her chest. A flashback of their first time alone together hits her. They had cooked and Yeji had for the first time felt those electric waves, those that only Ryujin have been able to make her feel. A sudden crave for reexperiencing the waves grows strong within her. Therefore she just can’t help but to reach out for Ryujin’s hands. At first Ryujin only stares at her in confusion, but then she seems to understand her hint and grabs Yeji’s bare hand. The touch is just as Yeji remembers it, small electric waves pulsing through her skin. Dear how she wishes they could become even stronger.

“Do you want to tell me something?” Ryujin suddenly says with laughter hidden in her voice.

Yeji, who has been staring at their hands, now raises her gaze and meets Ryujin’s glittering eyes. Does she have anything to say? Anything that she should say? Well, perhaps not should say but want to say. The emotional urge is stronger than the rational will and therefore the words just slips over her tongue like wild fire.

“Join me upstairs.”

“What?” Ryujin answers while widening her eyes slightly.

“Yes, my parents won’t be home for a while. We could spend some time together.” Yeji makes sure to keep her gaze at Ryujin taking in every little gesture and facial from her. A breeze of relief sweeps through her when she notices the growing smile over Ryujin’s face, reaches all the way to her joyful eyes. After Ryujin has taken off her outwear they walk up the stairs and enters Yeji’s room. There, next to the end of Yeji’s bed, the bag remains in the exact same spot where Ryujin left it. She pokes it with the tip of her toe and then pats it with her hand as if it was her beloved pet.

“I see you’ve taken good care of it for me.” She laughs while Yeji sits down on her bed, smiling. However, the smile is quite forced as her nerves suddenly has started to live a life of their own. There is something she wishes for, something that only can come true by her own initiative. She knows Ryujin has made advancements before but Yeji has rejected it, she wasn’t ready then. However, it’s different now, now it’s all that she wants. Still, she can’t bring herself into taking any initiatives. Asking Ryujin to join her here was a big enough step.

Therefor Yeji remains on her bed while Ryujin opens her bag and checks its inside. She watches the blonde nod for herself and then seal the bag with its zipper. Then Ryujin straightens her back and turns to Yeji with her precious smile. When no words come from Yeji she raises her eyebrows as if to ask what’s going on. Yeji would really like to tell her what’s going through her mind, but she can’t bring herself into doing so, her nerves are blocking her lips and tongue. Instead she just sits there, with her hands playing restlessly in her lap. Ryujin furrows her brows and comes to sit down next to Yeji.

“Is something wrong?” She asks and looks at Yeji with her deep eyes, the very same eyes that has gifted Yeji a sacred place to grow and prosper in, a safe haven. That’s right, a safe haven. Ryujin is the one person on earth that currently possesses the ability to make Yeji feel a hundred percent safe. If with anyone it’s with Ryujin that Yeji can make an initiative and not be scared of a hurtful rejection or declaration of stupidity.

Therefor Yeji decides to focus the last of her energy to regain control over her nerves. She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. Then, slightly trembling, she leans forward and lands a kiss on Ryujin’s lips. Slowly she lets their lips part and meets Ryujin’s surprised face. However the expression changes quickly. Once again she smiles, both with her soft lips and glittering eyes. Yeji can feel the electric waves from before flowing stronger within her and pushes her actions further. With a higher intensity she lets her lips play with Ryujin’s. She puts a hand on Ryujin’s shoulder to turn her towards herself.

“Do we really have time for this?” Ryujin whispers in between a kiss, suddenly sounding a bit worried.

“We’ll make ourselves time.” Yeji answers assuredly yet a bit breathy. Slowly she lets her hand slip in under Ryujin’s oversized cozy shirt, feeling her silky-smooth skin.

“That’s my girl.” Ryujin replies with a confident smile over her face. With her slender hands she cups Yejis face and locks her gaze. When looking into Ryujin’s sparkling eyes it’s like falling free and it sends a tickling feeling throughout Yeji’s whole body, reaches out in every little cell. It’s addictive. Yeji must have more. It’s like her oxygen, her source of energy, what’s making her continue functioning.

As the feeling takes over her she takes a steady grip of Ryujin’s shoulders and brings her down towards the bed sheets. With her back pressed against the soft mattress Yeji receives dozens of kisses, ranging from her neck and down towards her chest. The kisses stop where the bare skin is covered by the fabric from Yeji’s shirt. With the skillful aid from Ryujin Yeji manages to take off her top and bra which they throw across the room. Ryujin laughs at it sailing down towards the floor, making Yeji’s heart melt of pure love. This girl is so wonderful it’s impossible to describe with words. Her eyes, voice and body language radiate the same type of energy that Yeji feels within herself, and sharing that same energy is a connection that goes deeper than Yeji has ever experienced before. When meeting Ryujin’s gaze it’s like travelling to a paradise where all love and peace she could wish for exists in a perfect harmony. How could she ever have considered trading this for her parents’ approval?

As Ryujin’s hands continue to wander over Yeji’s body her jeans also land on the floor. Almost completely naked she receives the softest, yet most passionate, touches and kisses.

“God bless me.” Yeji moans when Ryujin lets her fingers and lips play with her bare nipples.

“Ain’t I already?” Ryujin answers with an unexpectedly deep and sexy voice that sends trembling chills down towards Yeji’s core. Indeed, Ryujin couldn’t have said it any better. Only a goddess can make her feel this much without completely sucking the soul out of her. Only Ryujin can make her want to stay in this feeling of total loss of control and yet never want to leave. Dear if she isn’t ready to go further, go higher, reach the limit she knows is there. She knows that Ryujin can take her there.

With slightly clumsy movements she grabs a hold of Ryujin’s wrist and slowly leads it down towards her lower area. She notices Ryujin raising her eyebrows before they lock eyes. It’s clear that she understands just what Yeji wishes for, but with those eyes dear sweet Ryujin asks for permission anyways, like the considerate angel she is. Yeji nods as an answer, but then adds a comment anyways, just can’t resist it.

“I want you to make me come.”

A big smile spreads over Ryujin’s lips as the words themselves sends a thrill through Yeji’s body. Similar waves hit her one after one when Ryujin goes down on her and lets her tongue do its magic tricks. One time after another it hits just the right spot and forces Yeji’s back to crook. It’s hard to be completely still and Yeji has to grab her blanket with her hands to stay in place. As the waves hits her faster and harder her breathing intensifies. She lets quiet moans slip over her lips as the waves pushes her closer to the edge.

“It’s okay, you can let it all out.” Ryujin suddenly whispers and quickly throws a glance up towards Yeji’s face. Yeji only notices it in the corner of her eyes as it is hard to really focus her gaze on anything at all. Then one big final wave showers her in the most euphoric feeling she has ever experienced, and she can’t hold back a long deep moan. It’s like leaving the surface of earth and entering the palace of eternal and pure pleasure. Then it’s over and Yeji finds herself slowly travelling back into reality, panting intensely. Dear what just happened? What an out of earth experience. She was not prepared for the full strength of this heavenly feeling.

“Is my goddess blessed friend back in reality now?” Ryujin says teasingly and takes a step aside to lay beside Yeji on the bed. Her eyes are still sparkling like the bright stars in the night sky, acting like traces of where she can take Yeji and what she can make her feel.

“I like to hear that you enjoyed yourself.” Ryujin continues and reaches out to stroke a piece of hair from Yeji’s face. During any earlier circumstance Yeji would have crumbled under the heat of embarrassment, but not this time, now she just turns her head and smiles triumphantly, owning her emotions and actions. If she only knew a time and place like this existed before, then she would have been sure to come visit earlier. They lay still, listening to the house’s natural sounds and the occasional sound of cars and busses driving by on the street. With Ryujin’s hands playing in her hair Yeji closes her eyes and embraces the cozy atmosphere surrounding them. She could stay like this forever.

“Tell me,” Ryujin suddenly asks, waiting for Yeji to open her eyes before continuing. “Was this your first time?”

Yeji can feel her cheeks heat up, still not completely comfortable with the topic she just assumes Ryujin is referring to. “My first time what?” She therefore says.

“Having an orgasm.”

Yeji might have been able to comfortably keep a steady gaze earlier but a direct question like this really pushes her towards the edge. Still she manages to stare right into Ryujin’s sparkling eyes when answering. “Perhaps.”

A wide grin spreads over Ryujin’s face, a proud grin and Yeji can’t help but to laugh at it. “I’m glad I could help you.” Ryujin says and leans in for a peck on Yeji’s forehead, however Yeji redirects it to land on the lips instead.

“Stealing a kiss, huh?” Ryujin says teasingly, poking Yeji on the nose. “What a naughty girl.”

Just as Yeji is about to answer a loud knock on the door can be heard and instead she freezes. In a millisecond her heart is beating twice as fast and her muscles tenses up as if in stealth mode. Is her parents already home? Do they know that Ryujin is here?

Then her brother’s voice is heard from the other side and she relaxes a bit.

“Umm,” he starts, sounding a bit rushed. “Mom and dad will be home early today, like in a minute.”

“What?” Yeji immediately sits up in her bed with a back as straight has a stick and muscles tenser than a string on a bow. She throws a glance at Ryujin whose eyes are almost filled with the same amount of panic that Yeji herself feels running though her blood. When did Hyunjin come home? Does he know that Yeji has Ryujin over? Well, he must have seen the extra pair of shoes and the jacket not belonging to anyone in the family. What are they going to do now? The parents will most likely notice that as well. If her parents really are coming home in a minute Ryujin will have no time to get out.

“Are you having someone over?” Hyunjin asks. “I don’t wanna to be sneaky but if you do you probably want to get that person out of here.”

“Keep them from coming in here.” Yeji shouts back and jumps out of bed to get dressed.

“I’ll do my best.” Hyunjin says and just then the sound of a key turning the locker in the entrance door is heard. Afterwards the familiar “hello” echoes through the house. Shit, they are home already! Yeji must come up with a plan to get Ryujin out of here, both with her stuff and without being noticed by Yeji’s parents.

It doesn’t take many seconds before Yeji can hear her parents’ voices from down the stairs. As she gets dressed she remains close to the door to try listen in on their conversation. Meanwhile Ryujin has moved out of the bed and is now standing on the light carpet.

“We’re screwed.” She whispers and Yeji hushes her by silently putting a finger over her lips. They cannot give up just yet, Yeji refuses to. There is now way she will give this up.

“If Hyunjin manages to keep them busy, then I can sneak you out.”

Ryujin doesn’t look too sure about Yeji’s words, and to be honest Yeji can’t really trust them either, but they must at least try.

Yeji leans towards the door to better hear what’s happening on the other side. It’s then she hears them, the steps, and the voice. Oh no, her mother is on her way up! Ever since the party her parents has always come to check on Yeji as soon as they arrive home. 

In panic Yeji turns around. “Hide!” She whispers intensely to Ryujin.

“Where?” Ryujin answers and makes a hasty gesture with her arms.

“I don’t know, the wardrobe, or under the bed?”

“Yeji?” Jiheun’s voice can be heard through the door and after that a soft knock on the door. Then she just opens the door and Yeji has to take a step back to avoid getting hit by it. At first Jiheun har a vague smile over her face, but when seeing Ryujin standing in the middle of the room her smile falls dead. Yeji’s heart is beating hard and her pulse raises for every millisecond they stand there without uttering a word or moving a muscle.

“Donjun!” Jiheun then shouts, still standing on the doorstep, still with her eyes set on Ryujin.

“What is it?” Donjun father answers.

“Come here.” Her voice is steady and loud yet seems to tremble. Yeji shifts her gaze towards Ryujin, who stands on the carpet unprotected and vulnerable. There must be something they can do to save this.

As Yeji’s mind start thinking hard the footsteps of her father draws closer. They too stop at the door and Yeji can see his eyes turn black. For a long few seconds she watches him inhale deeply, seemingly to either calm himself or prepare for an upcoming fight. Please let it be the former, please.

“Yeji,” Her father starts with an obviously tense voice. “Why is this girl here?”

“She was just going to get her bag that she forgot after the party.” Yeji hastily answers.

“Yes, but why is she here?” Her father continues and turns his gaze towards his daughter. “You could have given it back in school. Or even better, let your brother or us do it. I thought you had understood that any contact with this girl is forbidden.”

“I know you’ve said so but-“

“You should have respected that, Yeji! No excuses.” Her father almost spits out his words makes a dash cutting movement with his arm. Then he seems to realize something, and he quickly changes his direction towards Ryujin. Yeji notices how Ryujin’s face goes from relatively calm to completely crack under Dongjun’s gaze. She looks prepared to make a run for it any minute.

“Or perhaps it was you who forced yourself in here.” Donjun continues, pointing accusingly at Ryujin, as if she is some kind of witch, guilty of bewitching his innocent daughter. “Yeji has never before disobeyed our orders, you must have forced her to. Such a trashy human being is not allowed in our house and especially not in our daughter’s life.”

Trashy human being? Yeji stares in chock at her father, feeling a sudden rage crawl up from deep inside of her. How could he stand there, talking about respect, and then say something like this? He has no idea of how much Ryujin means to Yeji. She has only done good for her, made her feel safe, made her feel special.

Then it hits her, perhaps that’s the problem. He doesn’t know. What if Yeji would tell them? Yes, that might actually be the last chance for her to make this work. She must do it.

With big steps she walks the few steps up to Ryujin and stands by her side. Her dad stares at her with his intense and scary gaze, but it doesn’t break her. Rather it makes her realize how much she has to go through with this.

“You don’t understand.” She starts, swallowing hard, there is no going back now. Shakingly she grabs a hold of Ryujin’s hand, pressing it hard, as if it was her last lifeline.

“What is it that we don’t understand?” Jiheun says, sounding as if she is about to cry.

“We understand everything just fine.“ Donjun replies. “This is all just nonsense, that girl must have manipulated her.”

“That’s not true!” Yeji shouts back.

“See, that’s what I mean!”

“Stop it!” Yeji raises her voice loud enough to silence her father. “Ryujin has only done good for me. She has supported me when things have been though. She, unlike you, could listen to my struggles with my identity. She also accepted me for who I am, unlike you. Normal parents would support their daughter when she’s struggling with her sexuality.”

“That girl is destroying your sexuality, she is misleading you into unnatural territories.” Donjun states firmly.

“No, she’s not. She helps me evolve it.”

“Being with a girl is not evolving, it’s degenerating.”

“Why do you even care about my sexuality? How is that relevant to you?”

“Because you’re bringing shame upon our name by engaging in these unnatural activities.”

Yeji bites her lips, feeling the tears draw closer. Shame, bringing shame upon her family. Is that why they react like this? Do they only care about their own reputation and not their daughter’s well-being? How egoistic.

As she focuses all her energy on keeping the tears away she feels Ryujin’s hand press her own. That’s right. Ryujin supports her, every word she utters to her parents are backed up by his wonderful person. With that knowledge Yeji takes a deep breath and feels the power form Ryujin flow through her trembling body. As she leans even closer to Ryujin her father speaks up again.

“It’s time for you to choose a side.”

Jiheun stares at her husband in chock and Yeji feels her heart skip a beat. Her father’s eyes are even darker than before and his voice drips of anger and disgust.

“Either you choose us, your family, we who have raised you, we who make sure you have something to eat everyday, we who assures that you can live a comfortable life with everything you need. Or you choose her, and then you can forget about ever redeeming yourself in our eyes.” He makes a pause to catch his breath. “If you think outside of that bewitched box that she has put you in, then you know what the correct option is.”

Yeji feels it like being run over by a truck, thrown across the air and land bloody and scattered on the asphalt. How can her own father say something like this, force her to choose between her family or being her true self? Her loyalties are fighting, are having a war inside her mind, causing her emotions to flee and run around like crazy. A sudden nausea comes over her and she has to put a hand over her mouth in to prevent anything from coming up.

“So Yeji, tell us the right answer now. Chose the ones who love you.” Her father stares at her. Chose the ones who love her? That’s right. The realization could not have been any clearer. He said it himself, gave her the answer, served it on a silver plate. Chose the ones who love her.

“If that’s what you’re saying,” Yeji starts, staring intensely at her father. “Then I can’t choose you. Because you don’t love me.”

“Nonsense, of course we do.” Jiheun says desperately, as if she just now realized that she’s losing her daughter.

“No, you don’t. If you can’t even accept who I am, then how on earth can you love me?”

A thick silence expands in the room as the uttered words are slowly sinking in. It’s true though. She has made a last attempt to make them understand, but they just kept shouting at her, claiming that she was manipulated. As if she doesn’t have an agency herself. She chose to continue walking this path, no one fooled or forced her. That’s why the knife her parents planted in hear heart goes deeper and deeper the more words coming out of their mouths.

“Well, if you say so.” Donjun says in a voice suddenly calm yet dead, as if he really stopped caring. “Then we’ll leave you know, don’t except anything from us any longer.” With those words he grabs his wife by the wrist and leads them both out of the room, slamming the door shut behind him. The loud noise creates a ringing sound in Yeji’s ears. Dear, what just happened?

On trembling legs Yeji walks over to her bed and collapses on it. Ryujin follows her and sits down beside her, carefully stroking her hair. Inside, Yeji’s thoughts are caught in a storm, being pushed from side to side, turned upside down and torn apart. What will follow now? Can she unbothered spend time with Ryujin? How will her parents act to her, and how do they except her to behave around them? There are so many things to consider and it makes Yeji’s head thick and heavy.

With a hand on her warm forehead she sighs deeply.

“How are you feeling?” Ryujin asks softly, as if wanting to take baby steps in her approach.

“Chaos.” Yeji answers and looks at Ryujin. “What just happened?”

“You stood up for yourself, that’s what happened.” Ryujin smiles proudly with eyes shining like two bright stars. “It was really impressing.”

“Thanks.” Yeji smiles back at her while feeling the tears press though and slowly start dripping down her cheeks. She actually stood up for herself, she finally stood up for herself. Now she can be who she truly is. But at what cost?


	29. HELL IN HEAVEN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeji reflects on and experiences the consequenses from yesturday.

When Yeji wakes up the following day there is little light shining through her bedroom window. Outside there is a cloudy sky, coloring the world in gray nuances. When looking herself in the bathroom mirror Yeji meets a pale face. No make up in the world can cover the bleak energy radiating from her. Its almost as if yesterday sucked out all her energy, only leaving a lifeless façade for the world to meet. However, her insides are nothing but lifeless. Her thoughts are whispering a million things to her while her mind does its best to sort the words out. Will her parents really stop supporting her? They couldn’t have been fully serious? It must have been an exaggeration in the heat of the moment? Right?

The growing uncomfortable lump inside her tells Yeji that so might not be the case. However, she cannot know for sure until she faces them.

Yeji throws a quick glance at her phone, noticing the clock. It’s breakfast time for her parents, they should both be in the kitchen by now, like any other Saturday morning.

Still in pajamas and wrapped in her soft bathrobe Yeji descends the stairs. When opening the kitchen door she can confirm her theory. Both her parents are sitting around the kitchen table. Her father is looking at his phone while eating a bowl of yoghurt and müsli. On the other side of the table sits her mother and reads a book while chewing on her sandwich.

Yeji takes a deep breath and walks up to the kitchen table. Here it goes. It’s time to try them, see if their words from yesterday were actually true.

“Good morning.” With her brightest smile and most friendly voice Yeji greets her parents. She is met by complete silence. There is no trace of them taking any notice of her. Not a muscle moving any differently in their faces, no postures getting tense, nothing. Instead they keep on chewing their food. Well, perhaps they were just too focused on their reading. They will surely give her a response if she sits down to eat with them.

With tears lurking behind her eyes Yeji prepares herself a sandwich and a cup of hot tea. She sits down at her usual spot next to her mother. Then her father switches position, he puts down his phone and looks up. Yeji’s heart makes a little jump and she immediately directs her gaze towards him. She notices him staring right at her mother when he speaks up and asks her about a TV-show they are following. Jiheun lowers her book and looks at her husband before answering. Yeji closely listens to their conversation, taking in every word. She must be able to ad something. They have talked about the show numerous of times before so Yeji has knowledge about it.

Then Yeji find the perfect opportunity and strikes.

“To you think he will get to keep his job?” She asks with a loud and clear voice. It’s impossible for her parents not to have noticed her this time. However, their reactions to her words are the same as before, none existing. The dagger put into her heart is being pushed further inside and the pain is physical. If she stays here for much longer she will burst out in tears, and that is nothing she wants her parents to witness.

With hasty movements she clears her dishes, finishing the last piece of her sandwich while standing over the kitchen sink. Then she exits the room, still hearing her parents discuss the topic as if she were never there. Will they always be treating her like this? Like thin air? As if she doesn’t exist? All because she likes girls in a way they don’t want her to? It’s stupid, right out ridiculous. How can they do this to her, their own daughter? How can people do this in general? Why do they even care? Isn’t this her business only?

With her emotions dragging her further down the mud she walks up the stairs. In the hallway Yeji meets her brother. He is standing in the door opening to his bedroom, still with his hand on the door handle. With teary eyes Yeji meets his gaze, staring into his eyes and watching them get filled with compassion.

“Umm,” He starts, seemingly looking for words. “How are you doing?” A forced smile spreads over his lips and Yeji feels the same appearing over her own. She just wants to enter her room and let her tears flow freely. Still she wants her brother too know, wants him to send her comfort. Unless she tells him about what happened he won’t be able to support her.

With a slight sigh she therefor goes closer to her brother, not wanting their parents to hear the upcoming words.

“Mom and dad are ignoring me. I tried to talk with them during breakfast, but they acted like I didn’t exist.”

Hyunjin makes a troubled face but doesn’t say anything, just stands there. Well, now he knows and she can take her leave. With her tears still lingering behind her eyes she enters her bedroom and closes the door behind her. With her back leaning against the door she exhales deeply. What is she going to do now?

Then she hears a buzzing sound from her phone. It’s laying on her nightstand table and Yeji cautiously makes her way over there. She picks up the phone and looks at the bright screen. Yeji’s heart skips a beat when seeing the familiar name being displayed alongside a message. Shin Ryujin, the one person that can wipe out every energy draining thought from Yeji’s mind and replace them with a heavenly feeling. In the message Ryujin asks how Yeji’s doing. Yeji can’t hold back the urge of calling her and quickly unlocks the phone to do so. It doesn’t take more than one signal for Ryujin to pick up.

“Hi.” Ryujin says in the other end.

“Hi.” Yeji answers and feels how just the sound of Ryujin’s voice eases her tense nerves and pushes back the tears.

“How are you holding up?”

Yeji sighs as she sinks down on the side of her bed. “My parents are ignoring me. I went down to eat breakfast with them and they didn’t even look at me. I just told my brother about it, but he just looked at me in pity and didn’t say anything.”

“He feels for you, because he loves you.” Ryujin’s tone is serious. Still Yeji can’t help but to let a laugh slip over her lips, which relaxes her nerves even more. Ryujin’s words sounded so incredibly cheesy, yet Yeji genuinely believes them. She saw the honest worry that was laying behind Hyunjin’s brown eyes, and if he were in her position she would have felt for him too. Even though they don’t hang out much these days their bond is still strong and Yeji would fight for her brother if she had to.

“Are you still there?” Ryujin says in the other end of the phone and thereby brings Yeji back into reality.

“Yes, yes.”

“If you want to we can meet up after I have finished studying?”

“I would love to.” As she utters those words she feels deep in her heart how true they are. If Ryujin only knew just how much she lights up her days.

They hang up with the promise from Ryujin to call when she is finished. Smiling over the upcoming meeting Yeji starts to clean her room, because she needs some sort of distraction and then she might as well be productive. Just as she has finished vacuum cleaning her phone rings. Is it Ryujin, already? Did she give up on studying?

Yeji goes up to her phone which has been laying on her desk. It seems that she was wrong in her guess, the display says Jisu.

“Hello?” Yeji answers while sitting down on her bed once again.

“Hi, you sound out of breath, what are you doing?”

“I just finished vacuuming.”

“Right, cleaning.”

“Mhm.”

A silence embraces them, not uncomfortable or anything, more like they on both ends are thinking. Yeji is doing her best to keep the negative thoughts at a distance, but it’s hard. Thankfully the silence only remains for a few seconds, because then Jisu speaks up.

“What are you doing tonight?”

“I’m going to see Ryujin.”

“Really?” Jisu sounds surprised. “I thought you tried to be lowkey.”

Yeji takes a deep breath. Perhaps it’s time for Jisu to hear of yesterday’s event? She is after all Yeji’s oldest friend and someone who always has Yeji’s back. And so it all slips out of her mouth, everything from the sex to the choice of standing up to her parents. Jisu gasps and expresses her emotions at exactly those moments Yeji would have guessed. Yeji realizes just how well she knows Jisu, for her she is predictable, which gives Yeji a feeling of comfort. She always knows where she has Jisu, no big surprises will come and turn the tables. Jisu is someone Yeji can trust to stay by her side through good and bad.

A lump of guilt suddenly forms within Yeji. During these last weeks she has kept a lot of secrets from Jisu. She never got to take part of Yeji’s internal struggles with her sexuality or her parents’ reactions to it. It was first when Jisu caught Yeji bare handed shouting at Ryujin that Yeji was forced to tell her about the situation. It’s not fair. Jisu deserved to know, she would probably even have been able to help. Her mind is constantly full of ideas to solve all the world’s problems. But it has been hard for Yeji to open up to others, it took long enough to do it with Ryujin. Perhaps, if Hanguk wouldn’t have come to ruin it all, she would have told Jisu eventually. At least she wants to believe so.

“I’m sorry.” Yeji says when Jisu finally leaves an opening after having ranted about how unfair Yeji’s parents are.

“For what?” Jisu wonders, seemingly confused.

“For not telling you about this earlier, all of this.”

“Don’t think about that.” Jisu says in a light voice. “What’s important is that you are feeling okay right now. Are you?”

“I don’t know. There are a lot of things going on inside my head.”

“I can imagine that. If you ever need someone to talk to you can call me, do you understand that?” She suddenly sounds like a strict teacher lecturing her student and Yeji can’t help but to laugh quietly at her. When they hang up Yeji finds herself smiling. She has all these wonderful people around her. Her brother, Ryujin, Jisu. These are people who love her for who she is, not who she was or tried to be. She might have lost her parents’ love and affection, but as long as there are others to fill that void Yeji knows she can continue living her life relatively unproblematic. Of course it won’t be easy, her parents are after all a big part of her life, especially since she is still a minor and in need of their economic support. However, Yeji has made the choice of staying true to herself and hopefully, in the long run, it will end up being the right choice. As for now, Yeji doesn’t want to think any further than a couple of hours into the future, because then she will be in Shin Ryujin’s loving arms again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading all the way to the end! It means incredibly much to me. This work has been my little baby for several months now.
> 
> When I started planning this work in September 2020 it was supposed to be 1/3 of it's final length. Yet somehow the characters started to live their own lives and I had to give them the space they requiered. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed the story and if you did, then I might have a pleasent little surprise for you at the very end of this note. Flykisses to you all!
> 
> (This universe has yet to expand. There are more stories to uncover and still those to follow up. With those words said this flower has dropped a seed that I keep tending to. Hopefully that seed will start to grow and eventually end up in a blossoming flower just like this one.)


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